Well I Was Doing Good..... Until

[ok4a56]

As I have said in my prior post, my PTSD is from accumulative incidents that I have heard over the phone, radio and seen in person being in Law Enforcement.

For the 1st time in some time, I have started to feel like I was getting a grip on this monster, until last Saturday night.


I took a 9-1-1 call from someone on a cell phone, lady was telling me people had broken into her house and has her husband and 4 month old at gun point while they rob them. Few minutes into the call, trying to figure out where they are located, I heard the people that broke in shoot the callers husband. She started to scream, giving up her location in the house. The people found her, I heard them tell her that because she was talking to me on the phone, she would not make it out alive. The shot her several times while the line was open and I could hear them talking about how the "bitch was dead"

This event has tossed me back into a crappy mood, I have seen how the PTSD monster has come back out in me. My wife has commented about how nasty I have been to her and the kids.

I hope I can get pulled out of this. I do love my job, but it has cost me dearly.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to let it out.

 

[pebbels]

Hi oka56, how horrible for you, but it is good to get it out and this is the best place to do that, best wishes to you and your family while you get back on top of things and in contriol again, you can do it. Take care:)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like you're dancing with the devil. I know you love your job, but at what point do you say enough is enough? This damn disorder isn't something to be trifled with. You're even taking it out on your wife and kids...where do you draw the line?

 

[Marine0311]

Ok how much time do you have left on the force ? I know seeking help can be a career ender, but they have some kind of pension for having a disability? Maybe a different career. Family comes first. Take Care!

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek some private counseling==away from the force.

That might be a help for you and keep your position safe.

I admire anyone in this kind of work and thank you for it.

 

[TLight]

I ditto........being re-traumatized while you are trying to heal from PTSD is definately dealing with the devil.

 

[Blues in NYC]

ok4a56,

Take care of yourself. That's an awful lot for anyone to have to listen to... ever. Much less repeated incidents. And the nastiness I know. I never hurt my wife or anyone else physically when the PTSD makes me numb, but I do get really mean and dismissive verbally when I go into the deepest corners of not feeling stuff anymore.

I think Marine0311 has some very good points about reevaluating some of your options regarding your job. I'm doing the same with a career in the arts that I fought tooth and nail for to play in the "big leagues." The background stress and backstabbing at my level of the game may be too intense for me to continue in the vein with my vocation. I don't know enough about law enforcement to know if there are potential lateral career moves regularly available, but I know that for my own health I'm needing to put together a fairly different role for myself in my own career as I put the pieces of my life back together.

Regardless, hang in there and keep getting help. And just like all our brothers and sisters in the military, all of you in public service and emergency response do a great service to all the civilized world. Thank you for all you do. Even when us civvies forget to say it: Thank you for all you have sacrificed in your vocation and line of work.

 

[SGT Bilko]

I had to get out of the military because I couldn't take seeing or doing those things to people any more. It was hard because i was making upward of 45K a year and was throwing money around like crazy. So when I got out at least I had my GI bill and a little disability to fall back on. So If you just can't be a cop anymore because its hurting your family and not healthy for you, maybe you should get out too. If there are bennifits in place to help you transition to a new line of work I would use them. Take the time to get some training at your local community college! Some of your acadamey stuff knocks out a couple General Education credits and just go from there. It worked pretty good for me and in the long run I will be happier that i didn't go back for a third tour and will get healthier. So it may work for you too. Just know that there are always options.

 

[ok4a56]

It sounds like you're dancing with the devil. I know you love your job, but at what point do you say enough is enough? This damn disorder isn't something to be trifled with. You're even taking it out on your wife and kids...where do you draw the line?

I could not agree more with what you said, I was told a couple weeks ago by my therapist to find a new job. I am trying, trying to figure out what to do. I am the sole provider for the house, until my wife is done with school and gets her education degree.

Ok how much time do you have left on the force ? I know seeking help can be a career end-er, but they have some kind of pension for having a disability? Maybe a different career. Family comes first. Take Care!

I am 38 and have 11 years until full retirement. You know, I never thought about the disability thing. I will have to check into that.

I am wondering if it is possible for you to seek some private counseling==away from the force.

That might be a help for you and keep your position safe.

I admire anyone in this kind of work and thank you for it.

Yes, I do do private counseling. I would never try to get the department to do it, because it would be a nightmare.


Thank you all, for your responses. I have never had any other job than this, so you can imagine what it is going to be like finding another job.

 

[Marine0311]

Good to go Ok!

 

[ok4a56]

Wow, I contacted a collage to go back to school, and I even went out and kinda looked around for another job, and I can't believe how much better I feel just by doing that and getting that running through my head. That tells me, it is time to step back and find a path to a new career.

 

[Blues in NYC]

Only one thing to say to that:

:thumbs-up