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Deleted member 20280
As many of you will know I have become very active in the last couple of weeks. Mainly venting at massive triggers and then the DWP and RBL letting me down. But managing to keep a relatively cool head whilst under massive trigger (spasmodic Jaw Clamping making my teeth chatter constantly).
Now I know when I broke down I hurt a lot of people in the wake of it all and none least than my own family (wife and six children). Seeing their Dad literally "KICK OFF" right in front of them and subsequently get arrested in the front porch will take a lot of time to put to bed and come back from. I lost my entire family to this pile of S*1T they call PTSD, BUT I will not let it beat me and I will not let anyone ever beat me down again. If they think I am taking this "laying down" like I had to when I was being abused as a very small boy (in age and stature I may add as I was small framed). Oh no I will not let anyone ever again beat me into a corner.
When they did that to me I was a weak scared little child who was abandoned by even those who were meant to be the ones caring for him. Some of those "carers" would even beat and abuse me themselves.
I know what happened last year and I regret my actions and wish I could have done things a lot differently. I make no excuses for my behavior those three months as I ended up being dragged again into the police cells time after time. I regret every single drop of every single bottle I literally poured down my throat as I tried in desperation to put what I had unlocked in therapy away. I saw things even I had not remembered, I felt emotions welling up inside me that literally took over my every waking moment.
Bottom line like aI have said so many times on so many threads recently "I cannot change the past" I can regret my actions and how it paned out. I will not wallow in shame and hide in the pile of crap I made for myself. I know making up for all the hurt I put them through will take time, lots of time. I also know that recovery and therapy will be a drawn out process. Quote my T " This is a severe case of multiple trauma, my conservative estimation is 20-30 sessions of EMDR" This compared to the average 8-10 sessions.
I am sick and tired of people asking "are you ok you look a little stressed" my reply should be "yes I f&&&king well ummmm it called PT(STRESS)D".
When I am quiet and contemplating the meaning of life I would like to be given a wide berth. That is why I set very strict boundaries so please get out of my f&&&king face before I literally explode again. I do not want to go down that road ever again and as the NHS and the "Professional Psych Team" have declared that I am safe to be looked after by GP care alone, I am doing a great deal of therapy on my own.
Rant over.......... until next time.
Now I know when I broke down I hurt a lot of people in the wake of it all and none least than my own family (wife and six children). Seeing their Dad literally "KICK OFF" right in front of them and subsequently get arrested in the front porch will take a lot of time to put to bed and come back from. I lost my entire family to this pile of S*1T they call PTSD, BUT I will not let it beat me and I will not let anyone ever beat me down again. If they think I am taking this "laying down" like I had to when I was being abused as a very small boy (in age and stature I may add as I was small framed). Oh no I will not let anyone ever again beat me into a corner.
When they did that to me I was a weak scared little child who was abandoned by even those who were meant to be the ones caring for him. Some of those "carers" would even beat and abuse me themselves.
I know what happened last year and I regret my actions and wish I could have done things a lot differently. I make no excuses for my behavior those three months as I ended up being dragged again into the police cells time after time. I regret every single drop of every single bottle I literally poured down my throat as I tried in desperation to put what I had unlocked in therapy away. I saw things even I had not remembered, I felt emotions welling up inside me that literally took over my every waking moment.
Bottom line like aI have said so many times on so many threads recently "I cannot change the past" I can regret my actions and how it paned out. I will not wallow in shame and hide in the pile of crap I made for myself. I know making up for all the hurt I put them through will take time, lots of time. I also know that recovery and therapy will be a drawn out process. Quote my T " This is a severe case of multiple trauma, my conservative estimation is 20-30 sessions of EMDR" This compared to the average 8-10 sessions.
I am sick and tired of people asking "are you ok you look a little stressed" my reply should be "yes I f&&&king well ummmm it called PT(STRESS)D".
When I am quiet and contemplating the meaning of life I would like to be given a wide berth. That is why I set very strict boundaries so please get out of my f&&&king face before I literally explode again. I do not want to go down that road ever again and as the NHS and the "Professional Psych Team" have declared that I am safe to be looked after by GP care alone, I am doing a great deal of therapy on my own.
Rant over.......... until next time.
