Well That Happened!!

[Allie21]

At my t appointment this week I told my t that there was some abuse during my childhood. She had me journal because I was having a hard time opening up and talking during session. In the journal I was trying to be as honest as I could and wrote some heavy things in there. Things I didn't want her to know about or at least not right now.

Anyway she ask if I had tried to write how I was feeling. I said yes I did and I pulled the journal out and asked if she wanted to read it or me. I didn't really know what to do or what she was wanting me to do. She took the journal and started reading it. Not even into the first page she ask me about something I had written. I kind of panicked and was really honest with her. I don't know why I handed her the journal so easily though or said anything. Why couldn't I have said I would rather not talk about it?

She handled it very well and I'm kind of glad she know so I don't have to worry that I'm going to slip up and say something about what happened. I know just can't help but be mortified that she knows and read everything. What in the world was I thinking? I don't even want to go to my next session. I either want to run away and forget that I ever said anything or go back in time and not have her read the journal. I just keep thinking what in the world did I just do?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I think you're very brave to have openly expressed your thoughts in a private journal and then shared them with your therapist. I've done that too. If she's really the type of therapist you've described, then she won't be mortified. She'll likely have more compassion and a better understanding than she did before. I'm proud of you!

 

[Changing4Best]

I just disclosed some really personal stuff about my sexual abuse to my therapist too this week, and it so far has not badly affected our relationship. I also told her that I suspected something or another kind of abuse, but could not recall anything specific to do with that kind of abuse. I told her I had the symptoms of it though, as well as my reasons for suspecting it, and she agreed that it could well have happened then as well.

I try to be as open as I can with my therapist. I figure that way she can do her best to help me then. If I hold back and don't tell her things, then I figure that only hurts me in the long run, but that is my think on it.

I think the best answer for reluctance is to say that you are not YET ready to discuss that thing, but not that you would never be willing to discuss it. That is just my opinion though.

 

[joeylittle]

I just keep thinking what in the world did I just do?

You did a very important, good thing - you participated in your therapy.

It's scary sometimes, but without disclosing these things, ultimately - you can't do what you are there to do. So I say, great work!

 

[RavenGirl]

@Allie21, it may seem really scary right now but you did a very brave and good thing. :tup:

I remember the first time I did something like that with my T, I thought I wanted to die. But I mace it through and I'm better for having dumped that poison out of my body!.

Once you process that trauma and realize that your T won't think any less of you, you'll start to release the burden of keeping the secret so long. Then you get to really start to heal and that is a beautiful thing. :inlove:

Remember, you are a beautiful human being and you didn't do anything wrong. :happy:You deserve to heal, you deserve love, you deserve compassion, you deserve respect, you deserve joy, you deserve support, you deserve to be free of shame. ;)

I wish you the best in your journey through therapy. Gentle hugs if you'll accept.. :hug: Raven

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I disclosed my own sexual abuse as well. I struggle any time anything remotely connected to it comes up in a session, but in the end, if I had kept it all to myself, I would probably never find the closure or healing I desperately need. It hasn't effected the relationship with my therapist at all. It's all handled very proffesionally and with great compassion and empathy. My feelings are validated.

Pat yourself on the back for taking such a huge step forward! You made a choice, took the initiative and the control in handing over the journal. That's big. Good for you. Proud of you!

 

[GrayOwl]

I had a similar experience quite a few years ago. It turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened.
Although it took a little time, through being honest and my T I realized that I was really ok.
I couldn't have gotten there without taking that really scary first step. I think you did great.
You don't have to rush. Just do what you can, when you can.
Thanks for sharing.

 

[Whyteferret]

That is such a huge step.
I had to smile about the "here's my journal... I don't want to talk about it." It's just so PTSD.

Three weeks ago I had a massive panic attack in my therapists office... 3rd time I saw him.
Going back was the hardest thing. I made it

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm smiling too. Yes, a very ptsd thing.

I think I'm happy to be reading these things and can laugh because finally there are people who speak and get my lingo.

Amazing!

 

[Justmehere]

@Allie21 - Great job for having the courage to share it with her! :hug: I hope things are getting a little easier.

 

[Allie21]

stp2012- I wish it felt like I did a brave thing. My stomach is in knots and I feel sick. I will be at work or out somewhere and then I panic and have to stop to take a breath. I know it's my feelings that I'm projecting on her. She did say she felt like there was a piece of the puzzle was missing. I could tell that she was trying to piece it together. Thank-you!!

SheliaKathy- that's what I was thinking, she's not a mind reader and can't help if she doesn't know what's wrong. Yea at some point I have to talk about it but right now I just don't know.

 

[Allie21]

joeylittle- It was defiantly nerve racking! Thank- you!

RavenGirl- I wish I felt brave. I really just want to run. I didn't really feel anything in her office but afterwards I was completely freaked out. I know deep down she won't judge me but I can't help but kind of feel that way. I think she was kind of blindsided or taken back. I noticed she paused twice and was trying to think of something to say.
That was so nice and something I needed to hear!! Thanks for the hugs!