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After a long time of thinking about it- I finally went to my accident site today. Sat in the car for an hour. Frozen.
Then finally woke up and got out of the car. Didn't dare walk right near it, just looked from a distance.
Then stood near it for about an hour. Not really much of a reaction besides standing and staring in fear for a long time.
Thing is . Why was I finding it so hard to resist throwing myself in front of a car? I've felt good for the last few weeks. But why do I now want to kill myself? It's like I want to relive the whole thing again. Sorry for posting this in Success stories bit. I think it should be a success story. But also should be in the suicidal forum aswel..
I vote that it belongs in the accomplishment and success forum. Confronting it is HUGE in my book. Too big to understand in a single thought sequence. Your confusion convinces me you are paying attention. Over-simplifications and quick summaries do not give credit to the depth and breadth of the accomplishment.
Give it time to unravel, blue. It be a tangled can of worms. Ya done good.
Well I was supposed to be doing exposure therapy where you speak about it every day. But lost faith with my therapist a bit-after he didnt turn up last week. So decided to take matters into my own hands. Also have never had any kind of emotional reaction to it when at home- but cant talk about it with him. So I thought I would just do it today and see what happened. I suppose wanting to kill myself is an emotional reaction. Maybe that is good? It really terrifies me but a few ambulances and police drove past. Although I hated seeing them I wanted them to stop and see if I was ok. That just makes me feel awful. It's just attention seeking. Why would I want that? I feel really quite unhinged. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying to be positive.
This is a shot in the dark, but maybe by returning to the site something in you knew that you need to release the emotional energy that never was released as it should have been post trauma.
I guess talking about the trauma helps some people, but it did next to nothing for me. I had to (and still do) get rid of the emotional energy that was buried or repressed at the time. It's a human reflex that was never allowed completion.
I say I still have to do it because my trauma was daily sustained over a long period when a kid. It takes time.
But whether it is a single trauma or multiple, the energy has to come out. Or - if you are like me - you kind of feel dead a lot inside.
Culturally, we are not comfortable with mortality of any kind. Distinguishing between suicidal ideation and the processing a life threat is not every day small talk we get to practice on a variety of audiences and polish to clever reparteés.
Be gentle with yourself and compassionate with your reactions. It is tough stuff.
Distinguishing between suicidal ideation and the processing a life threat is not every day small talk we get to practice on a variety of audiences and polish to clever reparteés.
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Can you just explain this in laymans terms? I find it hard to understand stuff.
I am trying to be nice to myself. I went for coffee afterwards as a treat. I just feel really really down and alone now. I guess I am just really disappointed that I don't feel better. I am in impatient and cross that I am traumatised by this in the first place.
I do not think you were ready to return to the site. You were trying to heal yourself which is a good thing but it was too much for you. You are more damaged than you realized and needing intervention NOW. I started to have more intense symptoms when I went back to scene of where I witnessed police brutality and where I was confined for an hour with a group. I am doing better now but I am eally concerned about you and VERY concerned about your suicidal thoughts. I think you should go to an ER right away and tell someone there that even though you do not really want to end your life that you are having a lot of thoughts about it. It is better for you to stay in a safe place until you no longer have this idea. It is too risky for you to ride this out alone. If you can't get to a hospital can you stay with a friend? Get help!!! Please let us know how you are doing tomorrow.
sorry @bluedressinggown Those are my layman's terms. When I have tried to discuss similar confusions when processing my own life threatening encounters I always received extreme reactions. I get the morbidity aversions every time I try to enunciate it.
But after decades of quite meditation, I do not believe my visualizations were suicidal at all. I was simply coming to terms with a terrifying reminder of my own mortality. Guess I am still not finding the words to say it.
Hi @bluedressinggown. I admire your strength in tackling the task of returning to the site. However, it is worrisome that you are also now having some suicidal thoughts.
I know you were very hurt by your therapist not showing up and leaving you waiting for so long. But, I think it might be time now, to either make a reconnection with him, or if that trust has been broken beyond repair, (which I would COMPLETELY understand), reach out to a new therapist. I think this kind of healing is difficult to achieve without a little guidance. :)
@sarafina thanks for your concern. I'm not actively suicidal. I do have the means to do it but I would not do it. These are thoughts which plagued me a few weeks ago. Out of desperation I went on fluoxetine. I've amazingly felt better. However- was a bit paranoid that I was being duped because I was worried the good feelings were like a placebo effect. Then felt pretty bad after therapist didn't turn up.
@arfie. You explain it very well and you are very good with words. I wish I could articulate like you! I just can't understand easily. My brain doesn't seem to work. I left out a probably important detail- that my trauma was being knocked over. So maybe that is why I want to throw myself in front of a car. It's a very strong urge. It's a bit like when you are on a sea front, or on a cliff edge- you get a really strong urge to jump. Isn't that a normal thing?
@TimeToHeal thanks. I don't know if they are suicidal or like @arfie says it is something else. I just have a strong longing to re-experience the trauma, which is traumatic in itself. I still have an appointment this week with the therapist. I guess I will see what happens. Even thinking about it does make me feel pretty hopeless though. I wouldn't want to get a new therapist- what if the therapist genuinly DID tell me about his holiday? THat it is my problem not his? Just the thought that you only have an hour with the therapist- it is such a short time. I feel like I need help all the time. When you realise you are all alone with your problems it is very lonely sad feeling. Like, once he is finished with me he goes home and has a nice time with his life and never gives me a moments thought. BUt you trick yourself into thinking that actually he does care and that I am important... then realise actually you probably aren't very important at all and that noone is going to help you except yourself. I guess that's why I went to accident site because I am desperate to improve my life and don't want to depend on my therapist to do it. I only have a few sessions left as well.
@bluedressinggown, I'm glad you have an appointment with your therapist. Perhaps it really was some sort of misunderstanding and you'll be relieved and able to start feeling a bit more positive about therapy, and things in general.
I do understand your feelings and your questioning of your therapists care and concern for you and his interest in helping you. I think it's probably a little different for each therapist, but I think many of them genuinely care about their patients. And I do think that they think of us from time to time when we're not sitting in their office. My therapist has actually told me as much. I'm sure they don't think of us constantly, as that would be rather unhealthy!
I also think, like any other relationship, it probably depends on how long patient and therapist have been seeing each other and how well they've gotten to know one another. (Of course therapist knows much more about the patient, but I think patients learn things about their therapists too).
Sorry to ramble on. I'm glad you'll be seeing your therapist again. Do tell him about the feelings and difficulties you've had since he was on vacation.
