GoatBoston
New Here
I have a veteran in my life...well, sort of.... We dated for a while but he pulled the plug swiftly and suddenly on me a few months ago...he started reaching out again but would still be distant.
Last week we finally met to talk things out. In the last couple weeks he shared with me the depths of the PTSD he is struggling with, talked about the things he did and saw that led to the PTSD, and how it impacts his life. He was clear that right now he can't be in a relationship because he needs to focus on getting better...but he had been hoping that if we can stay in each other's lives then maybe as things get better for him down the line then maybe one day be back together...
I was clear that I can't halfway be there for someone, and for me I'm either in something or I'm not...and that if he wanted me there for him then I would be 100% there, that I wasn't scared of the PTSD and that it didn't alter how I felt....but that I need a commitment and without one I have to move on with my life because I want certain things and I can't hold on for a "maybe one day" situation.
We were understanding of each other and it was really sad and painful for us to both agree that we were at an impasse and had to part ways. It was emotional and difficult and I told him that should things change he can be in touch, but I will have to move on in the mean time. It was emotional, we hugged, we kissed goodbye, we told each other that we loved the other and that we deeply cared for the other....and then we parted ways.
Since then I can't turn on the news and hear about what's happening in Mosul without thinking of him. Since he opened up in the last couple weeks about his symptoms, and the causes of his PTSD, I feel like I see these things on TV and it just makes me wonder how he's hanging in there. What's happening in Mosul makes me think about him, and it makes my heart ache. It makes me want to reach out to him to see how he's doing and to be there for him....but I don't think that's my place and he was clear that getting better is something he wants to do alone, so there's no place for me anyways....and I want a relationship, which is something he was clear isn't on the table for him right now....hence the impasse.
It breaks my heart that we can't be together...and it breaks my heart that I can't be there for him while he is going through all of this. I keep trying to remind myself that even when we were together, we weren't really integrated into each other's lives because he kept me out of these things and it's just recently he let me know what was happening inside of him, and he's still not ready to really build a life with someone, and I am ready for that.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to share. I've decided to stop talking to my friends and family about this. Their advice is well meaning, and I know they're probably right...but casting him in a poor light like they have been isn't helpful to me. He's not a bad person, he's just a person going through a bad time...I'm not afraid of bad times, but he wants to do this on his own, and I only know how to be involved when I'm with someone....so we're just at odds and hearing people bash him and call him f*cked up doesn't feel good or nor is it helpful to me....so I guess this is the only place where it feels safe to just say how f*cking sad I am about all of this without anyone putting him down....or for making me feel like a silly girl for being upset about this.
Last week we finally met to talk things out. In the last couple weeks he shared with me the depths of the PTSD he is struggling with, talked about the things he did and saw that led to the PTSD, and how it impacts his life. He was clear that right now he can't be in a relationship because he needs to focus on getting better...but he had been hoping that if we can stay in each other's lives then maybe as things get better for him down the line then maybe one day be back together...
I was clear that I can't halfway be there for someone, and for me I'm either in something or I'm not...and that if he wanted me there for him then I would be 100% there, that I wasn't scared of the PTSD and that it didn't alter how I felt....but that I need a commitment and without one I have to move on with my life because I want certain things and I can't hold on for a "maybe one day" situation.
We were understanding of each other and it was really sad and painful for us to both agree that we were at an impasse and had to part ways. It was emotional and difficult and I told him that should things change he can be in touch, but I will have to move on in the mean time. It was emotional, we hugged, we kissed goodbye, we told each other that we loved the other and that we deeply cared for the other....and then we parted ways.
Since then I can't turn on the news and hear about what's happening in Mosul without thinking of him. Since he opened up in the last couple weeks about his symptoms, and the causes of his PTSD, I feel like I see these things on TV and it just makes me wonder how he's hanging in there. What's happening in Mosul makes me think about him, and it makes my heart ache. It makes me want to reach out to him to see how he's doing and to be there for him....but I don't think that's my place and he was clear that getting better is something he wants to do alone, so there's no place for me anyways....and I want a relationship, which is something he was clear isn't on the table for him right now....hence the impasse.
It breaks my heart that we can't be together...and it breaks my heart that I can't be there for him while he is going through all of this. I keep trying to remind myself that even when we were together, we weren't really integrated into each other's lives because he kept me out of these things and it's just recently he let me know what was happening inside of him, and he's still not ready to really build a life with someone, and I am ready for that.
I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I guess I just needed to share. I've decided to stop talking to my friends and family about this. Their advice is well meaning, and I know they're probably right...but casting him in a poor light like they have been isn't helpful to me. He's not a bad person, he's just a person going through a bad time...I'm not afraid of bad times, but he wants to do this on his own, and I only know how to be involved when I'm with someone....so we're just at odds and hearing people bash him and call him f*cked up doesn't feel good or nor is it helpful to me....so I guess this is the only place where it feels safe to just say how f*cking sad I am about all of this without anyone putting him down....or for making me feel like a silly girl for being upset about this.
