What A Rush!

[suzie q]

Well here I am at my parents house trying to spend a holiday week with them and family from Texas. It was really good to see them since it had been over 20 years and the cousins are grown now. Last time I saw them they were toddlers. They have grown up nicely!!

I was going along enjoying everyone's company when I realized my mother was on the phone. I asked who it was and she said my brother. I don't know why, but I grabbed the phone and said hey there. He was excited and suprised to hear my voice and tried to fill me in on where he was and what he was doing. He is presently in a sexual preditor training center in a mental hospital trying to relearn how to be a human being. He told me about the two girls he had molested (briefly) and stated that he was trying real hard to do the right things so that would never happen again. He said he had been working with cognative therapy and was taking medications for his bi-polar that were helping him think more clearly and understand his part in the misery he caused the girls and their families.

I wanted so much to believe that he was sincere and then he stated that he was really mad because he had been doing this program on the understanding that he would be released when he finished. The people were telling him that he probably won't be released any time soon, maybe never. He didn't like that at all. I told him that if he was trying to con those people he was not going to suceed. He agreed. I also said that if he would just follow the plan and take it day by day and not worry about later, he would succeed much better. I feel like he's trying to convince these professionals that he is cured or knows what to do should he be around another child. I didn't hear that or feel that at all. He sounds like the same bullshi**er he's always been and I personally think he should stay right where he is. He kept saying crap like I can't believe I'm talking to my big sister...I've waited for you for years now. I have been working on problems I've had with you, mom, and dad. The last time I talked to him he blamed me for not staying in the house to protect and raise him. I felt so guilty for so many years until I worked out my feelings.

It was a total rush after about 2 hours later. I became very sick to my stomach, anxious, and extremely sad. I knew I needed to come on line and process the events before I stuffed them and paid later. Right now I don't feel much like visiting company and all I want to do is cry. Of course, that's not happening and I feel lame. I don't know why I decided to talk to him...it was a reflex and I'm sorry that I did now. I may need to later process more feelings. I'm in my bubble as much as I can right now. I still feel really sad. I don't want to freak out so if any input on this, please help. Why is my family so f*** up?

 

[Paloma]

hey suzie q!
There's a reson they are called "nuclear" families:rofl:Let's see if I have this right: you are at your parent's going well and you are enjoying visiting with the Texas folks. You start talking to the brother you have been worrying about for past few weeks. He does his whole spin doctor thing on you and you actually hear it and don't buy into it.Right?

He sounds like a master manipulator who really is a predator and doesn't accept responsibility at all...it's always everyone else's fault. You have put yourself thru flames all week about being loyal or not for this guy. Family is about more than being from the same seed...the same litter. His is not a bloodline I would think you want to preserve. My family...maybe especially my family...has to prove worthy of my primal committment. We 3 siblings have gone to hell and back together and seperate and now we are family for real.

You just talked to the real brother...not the fantacy brother. Fantacy bro is worthy of your love and worry, etc. Real bro is where he needs to be for the good of all. Don't let him suck your heart and brains out and leave you a dissociated shell unable to enjoy the holidays with the family you like. You don't need forgiveness or to feel guilt over not making his life rosy...it's his life and HE f***ked it up. Most of us...including you...have had to shovel thru serious buzzard poop to get to our healing and we haven't become serial killers or predators ourselves. Maybe the nausea, etc is the shock of coming to grips with the loss of fantacy brother who is no more. Go ahead and puke, take a time out...throw some cold water on your face...put some ice in your palms...get grounded qnfd get back to the family that matters.:poke:

Have some fun for cryin' out loud!

 

[cragger65]

Suzie, it always blows me away what some people and families endure, yet you remain in tact as a person, as best you can. That's quite amazing. It's admirable that you have compassion for your brother, but I think "detaching with love" as they say in Al Anon is really necessary for your own health and safety. I think you know that.

It's not that you don't care, or even really whether in whatever frame of context one may think, whether or not your brother "deserves" your compassion... that's not the issue. You will care, because that is who you are (and good on you for it). It's just that it will do you ill, and that doesn't help anyone.

I wish you and your family the very best.
Dave

 

[ghost]

Hey suzie q

I don't envy your situation. It all sounds really murky and stagnant. But, I think that’s generally the case where child sexual abuse is concerned. It’s a really caliginous terrain: It’s a swamp.

I went into child protection with a vague notion of ‘busting paedophiles’ and rescuing children. I wasn’t there long before, before I realised that nothing in that world is clear-cut, and there are seldom clearly defined victims and abusers. Most perpetrators have been abused themselves as children; some to the extent that they end up intellectually disabled adults. Some of them, I think, are damaged to the point where they really don’t recognise that what they are doing is wrong. Of course, there are plenty who do know what they’re doing, and they keep doing it anyway.

It sounds as though a strong part of you is repulsed by your brother; while there is also a part of that cares about him; sympathises with him and feels a certain amount of guilt. Perhaps it was the latter that grabbed the phone of your mother.

I don’t think it’s unnatural that you’re experiencing the reaction that you are. People who sexually abuse children tend to have that affect on people. They leave you feeling as if you’ve been contaminated. I’ve experienced it myself in dealing with them. Though in your case, it’s much closer to home, because it’s family.

I think what you’re experience is just a temporary reaction; perhaps a manifestation of the conflicting attitudes that you have towards your brother (repulsion and sympathy). When it subsides you might find yourself actually glad that you did make contact with him, as you were able bring a little warmth into his otherwise dismal existence.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Susie,

Hats off to you for even going, that was a courageous thing you have done.

I love that comparison from Paloma about Fantasy brother and Real brother. My own brother has always excused his behaviour and his molestation of me on everybody else but himself. He cannot and will not accept 100 percent blame and has even said that if I wanted him to stop then I never spoke up....I see where he's going with that - he's shifting the blame on me, that little girl. I went through the same crap growing up and I've turned out okay so I hate the bullshit that shovels out. I would so love to have that Fantasy brother!

Hang in there and enjoy everybody else's company!
C.