sun seeker
Diamond Member
It's late, and I've had a couple of horrendous days, but there is a thought I want to share and hope I can be articulate about it.
Trauma is exacerbated for most of us by isolation and shame when those around us don't understand and expect us to be the same as before the trauma or, in the case of developmental trauma where there is no "before" to act normal and "just get over it". These expectations retraumatize us as often as not, even if they may be well intended but naive on the part of supporters (and not-so-supportive people) who just don't get it.
What happens though, when two or more traumatized people accept each other for who and where they are? What if instead of trying to change each other and make each other more normal, we just accepted what was happening as what the person needed to be doing at the time?
This is sort of my philosophy of life, anyway. I have long sympathized with a method for working with autistic children that instead of trying to eliminate the autistic behaviours, assumes there is a good reason for them and has a team of supporters join the child in these behaviours in an atmosphere of unconditional love and support. The result is that the child feels supported and has a reason to want to join the "normal" world, and autism is in some cases completely reversed. This is oversimplifying of course, but it encapsulates much about my way of looking at life. Why must everyone be the same to be acceptable? Can there be room for diversity? Could we expand this to help each other?
I live with a good friend who also suffers from PTSD. We support each other and learn much in the process. Usually one of us is okay and able to support the other through crises, but recently we were both seriously triggered at the same time and unable to come out of what was going on inside ourselves enough to help each other. It was a rough time to say the least. But then...
After a long day where I mostly slept, my friend was going up to bed in a state of exhaustion. Unfortunately, a thunderstorm chose that moment to unleash itself. I am afraid of thunderstorms, as my friend knows well. I screamed, bolted without any plan but to get away, and ended up crumpled on the floor just inside the front door. My friend found me and made a brief attempt to get me up, but I wasn't moving. She was, as I said, exhausted. "Okay then," she shrugged, and proceeded to drop to the floor beside me and fall asleep. If I couldn't or wouldn't get up and back to the couch, she'd keep me company where I was, and if that was the front door, so be it.
I lay there listening to the storm pass and feeling my fear pass. The nonjudgemental company made all the difference. I lay and thought. Thought about my fear of storms and rain, about where it comes from. About the times I was stuck for days very much alone because the one person who would come to see me, wouldn't come because of the rain. When the electricity going out meant danger because I couldn't boil drinking water. And I was aware of my friend sleeping beside me, philosophically doing what needed to be done, because that was what I needed. Because what I need matters. Huhh???
And I thought about each of the situations in the past when storms were truly dangerous, and imagined: what if I'd had a friend with me at those times? What if, as I lay frozen on the floor for days, I'd had someone supportive to lie there with me?
And then I expanded that. Thought about the times I was made to feel ashamed of my trauma reactions. What if, instead of my sister being embarrassed because I hid under her desk at work, she had made my needs the priority and climbed under the desk with me? What if, each time I ran and hid, some loving, nonjudgemental person had found me and sat in my hiding place with me, commending me on what a great hiding place I'd found and wondering how long we needed to stay and whether it was safe to come out now?
And so on. What if more of us did this for each other? What if next time you felt the need to dive under a table or whatever you do to feel safe, someone joined you down there, not trying to talk you out of it, just being there until the need passed?
What if we could process trauma without any shame?
(The storm passed. I woke up my friend, we talked a bit, and she went to bed. But she would have stayed there all night had there been the need. I am so very lucky.)
Trauma is exacerbated for most of us by isolation and shame when those around us don't understand and expect us to be the same as before the trauma or, in the case of developmental trauma where there is no "before" to act normal and "just get over it". These expectations retraumatize us as often as not, even if they may be well intended but naive on the part of supporters (and not-so-supportive people) who just don't get it.
What happens though, when two or more traumatized people accept each other for who and where they are? What if instead of trying to change each other and make each other more normal, we just accepted what was happening as what the person needed to be doing at the time?
This is sort of my philosophy of life, anyway. I have long sympathized with a method for working with autistic children that instead of trying to eliminate the autistic behaviours, assumes there is a good reason for them and has a team of supporters join the child in these behaviours in an atmosphere of unconditional love and support. The result is that the child feels supported and has a reason to want to join the "normal" world, and autism is in some cases completely reversed. This is oversimplifying of course, but it encapsulates much about my way of looking at life. Why must everyone be the same to be acceptable? Can there be room for diversity? Could we expand this to help each other?
I live with a good friend who also suffers from PTSD. We support each other and learn much in the process. Usually one of us is okay and able to support the other through crises, but recently we were both seriously triggered at the same time and unable to come out of what was going on inside ourselves enough to help each other. It was a rough time to say the least. But then...
After a long day where I mostly slept, my friend was going up to bed in a state of exhaustion. Unfortunately, a thunderstorm chose that moment to unleash itself. I am afraid of thunderstorms, as my friend knows well. I screamed, bolted without any plan but to get away, and ended up crumpled on the floor just inside the front door. My friend found me and made a brief attempt to get me up, but I wasn't moving. She was, as I said, exhausted. "Okay then," she shrugged, and proceeded to drop to the floor beside me and fall asleep. If I couldn't or wouldn't get up and back to the couch, she'd keep me company where I was, and if that was the front door, so be it.
I lay there listening to the storm pass and feeling my fear pass. The nonjudgemental company made all the difference. I lay and thought. Thought about my fear of storms and rain, about where it comes from. About the times I was stuck for days very much alone because the one person who would come to see me, wouldn't come because of the rain. When the electricity going out meant danger because I couldn't boil drinking water. And I was aware of my friend sleeping beside me, philosophically doing what needed to be done, because that was what I needed. Because what I need matters. Huhh???
And I thought about each of the situations in the past when storms were truly dangerous, and imagined: what if I'd had a friend with me at those times? What if, as I lay frozen on the floor for days, I'd had someone supportive to lie there with me?
And then I expanded that. Thought about the times I was made to feel ashamed of my trauma reactions. What if, instead of my sister being embarrassed because I hid under her desk at work, she had made my needs the priority and climbed under the desk with me? What if, each time I ran and hid, some loving, nonjudgemental person had found me and sat in my hiding place with me, commending me on what a great hiding place I'd found and wondering how long we needed to stay and whether it was safe to come out now?
And so on. What if more of us did this for each other? What if next time you felt the need to dive under a table or whatever you do to feel safe, someone joined you down there, not trying to talk you out of it, just being there until the need passed?
What if we could process trauma without any shame?
(The storm passed. I woke up my friend, we talked a bit, and she went to bed. But she would have stayed there all night had there been the need. I am so very lucky.)
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