What age did you consider yourself to be a child?

[GWhizz]

I'm glad you are able to acknowledge your feelings. Of course I don't want you to be in pain. But we need to feel those feelings if we are to begin to heal. Emotional dysregulation ime is my inability to feel or know my feelings. So I would consider feeling something a step in the right direction.

Please remember that you are precious and important and to love yourself. People invest in you because you are so so worthless. I can't speak because I am not immune to self-harm and SI as a coping mechanism, but harming ourselves isn't letting others down. It's a valid strategy to getting you through at times of despair when giving up taunts us. Holding yourself through this is what you need to do. And being curious and non judgmental, open to your feelings.

Big hugs

 

[Tinyflame]

Emotional dysregulation ime is my inability to feel or know my feelings. So I would consider feeling something a step in the right direction.

Wow @GWhizz that is really an interesting thought. :wideeyed: That could be very true, in the way that a couple of close calls with suicide I didn't feel anything at all. Yes it is an eye-opener to even remotely connect, or accept, the gravity of the impact during childhood. It shouldn't be a surprise for any of us, as they say most actual wounds are pre-7 years old. Not so much too just recognizing it but actually tracing it back, or acknowledging it? Or rather, connecting the dots AND feeling it.

What I did yesterday & last night was just to try to say (in my mind) anything & everything I was thankful for, tbh. In lieu of 'thinkng'.

SI as a coping mechanism, but harming ourselves isn't letting others down. It's a valid strategy to getting you through

I really appreciate your kind words. I must say, except for I think once or twice I haven't self-harmed for over 20 years, though I was surprised by the re-occurence. I suppose the difficulty with ever having had a suicide attempt is the mind goes over and 'corrects' what went wrong (why I survived), unfortunately, so it's a one-way strategy. However, you got me thinking, I guess I do covertly self-harm, never called it that- not eat, abuse OTC stuff, etc. Which temporarily can be a strategy however. Thank you for saying it's not failing others. :hug:

People invest in you because you are so so worthless.

Hee! I had to quote this because it made me laugh- I went out on a limb to think you meant 'so not worthless' ;), and perhaps you didn't. But it actually felt great to think 'so so..' i.e. 'despite it'(!) Which is a level of bar I can relate to. :laugh::) It really made my night, a good giggle and perhaps a lovely thought to think '(even) despite it'. :):hug: Thank you.

three-headed

Three heads are better than one, I say. :);):hug::hug::hug::inlove:

Ps, and thanks to you @GWhizz I bought a journal, covered in hearts outlined- only one like that, 18 hearts plus x4 1/2 hearts's on there, lol. And lots of fudgicles disappearing, let me tell you. And the revels are already gone.. ;):hungry:

Thank you, and all, deeply from my heart. :inlove::hug::hug::hug:

 

[GWhizz]

Omg I'm so sorry - bloody autotype! I meant so so worth it x

 

[Tinyflame]

No worries @GWhizz that's why I hesitated to say it. But you know how it is- hard to believe good words, and hey, if the caveat in being worthless is still worth investing in, that kind of made me laugh.

Don't feel badly. I had one phone every time I typed 'ha(ve)" it auto corrected to haemorroids (which I didn't even know had an 'a' :p:rolleyes: .)

:hug:

 

[GWhizz]

It does in the UK version! Like we spell paediatrician whereas the US version is pediatrician and so on.. I had to Google fudgicles btw!

 

[Tinyflame]

Must have been an Irish phone @GWhizz :) Makes sense, great phone worked in all conditions. ;):):rolleyes:

Yes and Revels are white ice cream coated in hardened chocolate on a stick.

They just need to do that with Bailey's. :)

:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[GWhizz]

Dead Link Removed

Dunno if you can see this but revels here are chocolate covered toffee/nut etc. I love them.so assumed that was what you meant lol

 

[GWhizz]

I know we've totally taken this thread off topic lol sorry

 

[Tinyflame]

Since I'm the thread starter I'm ok with the diversion.. kind of prefer it @GWhizz :p

Good thing we don't have Revels like that or I could put many bags in my purse.. :barefoot::woot::hungry: Bad enough I ate the last 3 fudgicles tonight. And really feel like a banana flavored or red-white-and-blue popsicle- frozen flavored water on a stick. I just say I'm doing my part producing shimms- thin wood used for props/ tightening,. :whistling:

:hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

This came to me, is what I find hugely important and disturbing: as children (whatever we define it, though I'm speaking young onward) I know of times adults were sexually assaultive/ etc. When an individual is 'good', and referencing the 'wife thing', what if I either 'asked for it', or it's just me making something out of nothing or misreading it and not assuming my own fault? (All of these being the epitome of 'crazy'? :( )

I actually went to go/ have to confess it but I chickened out. :(

Hope this makes sense can't find the words. :(

 

[GWhizz]

This came to me, is what I find hugely important and disturbing: as children (whatever we define it, tho...

Well I think the clear distinction has to be that you may have fallen into an adult role. But by no means were you of adult mind/maturity/mentality. Saying you asked for it is typical self blame and shame behaviour. That's a symptom not a fact. No matter how mature we felt or how much role responsibility was throw onto us, we did not and could not have, had the maturity of an adult aged 18+ or whatever legal age defining adulthood. Even an 18yo does not have the mental maturity of a 25yo although both adults. I felt mature at 5. I look at my 27yo self now, when I first became a mother myself. I felt so wise and mature. My 31yo self now looks back and laughs considering how I've matured since. I definitely lacked psychological growth until I acknowledged that being that grown up so young wasn't right. Missing typical development actually sets true maturity back a lot imo. I am more childish than I should be in many ways. Because I never learned to express it naturally as a child a move onwards growing. Now I tend to act that out inappropriately, eg in therapy or around my partner where I feel safest. I would have preferred reverse it if that makes sense - ie be the mature adult now and silly giddy foolish child then. It just doesn't work that way. So don't try making sense of it like that because you cannot expect that or yourself. You have to give that child part so much credit and compassion for surviving the adult/wife role she was thrown into. But key is remembering her actual mental age and ability.

 

[Tinyflame]

I felt mature at 5.

Yes, me too. I did/ thought/ was aware/ acted/ reacted in ways then I see 20 and 30 year old don't (yet).

. So don't try making sense of it like that because you cannot expect that or yourself. You have to give that child part so much credit and compassion for surviving the adult/wife role she was thrown into. But key is remembering her actual mental age and ability.

I suppose why life feels so impossible/ feel incapable, partly?

Thank you very much, xox. :hug::hug::hug: