What Am I Doing Wrong?

[Mammo]

@itsKismet - I do "feel" some things. Like the constant thinking in my head that is literally like a bad film on "repeat" for months; that I flinch when someone touches me; that I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of having a heart-attack and cannot breathe; that I jump and gasp when a noise surprises me. These feelings are there, and have been there since last year, and getting progressively worse. This (whatever it is) is literally driving me insane. But - when asked to identify "feelings" like anger, or to describe what I am feeling and where when discussing a particular thing or event...nothing...

@ihateusernames - (p.s. I love the username) - I am a woman...hahaha. Yeh, I would really like to hope that it's not a case of T's seeking to reinforce gender stereotypes of how they think women (or men) should react. That would be extremely depressing.

@Viosinger - Thanks for your note. I think I've read most of the books out there, Peter Levine; Bessel van der Kolk; Judith Herman; Christine Courtois; John Briere etc etc ad nauseam. I'm reading these things, and I can see that some parts of the way I behave/feel are reflected there...some of it sounds somewhat new-fangled and a bit "fad-like" (I'm very cynical, as multiple people in these professions always provide equally dogmatic assessments of what is wrong, though they all contradict each other).

I just don't think I'm a candidate for this "physical feeling" stuff...as I said above, I didn't start seeing this guy with a view to being treated for something, so maybe I'm not at the stage where this will do anything other than frustrate me. Might just take a break.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies and advice.

 

[Chava]

I do say "i feel nothing" or "I don't know"...but he is pushing, and seems to indicate that as long as I maintain this "wall" between him and me, there's not going to be any progress.

Can you tell him you feel pressured, stuck, and/or frustrated? I close down further when I feel like I'm being pushed. I've spent entire sessions staring silently at the floor, feeling that my therapist was seething with irritation. I don't get that now with my current therapist...feels like she is willing to let my own process unfold...which makes it easier to trust her. I have very thick walls and I only chip off like a thin layer of plaster, test that out, then put it back up for a while just to contain myself so not overwhelmed. Slow process.

 

[Mammo]

Hey @Chava - thanks for your note. I've told him that, I explained that when he keeps pushing me to answer something that I don't know the answer to, I just feel like an idiot and that it makes me panic because I'm "getting it wrong" and "don't know".

One of the things that prompted me to send him that "book" - was the session prior to that, he was trying to get me to feel "anger" and "feel it" in my body...and the conversation literally went in a loop for a good twenty minutes:
- What do you feel?
- Nothing
- Don't put up a wall, focus
- What did it feel like? to be screamed at? to be told that you're worthless, what did it feel like to see him hit your mother? What did it feel like to see him hitting your brother? What did it feel like to be told that you're stupid?
(The above questions seemed like him trying to 'bait' me in a sense, trying to provoke me into re-living/feeling such moments...which just led to me panicking inside, did not find that helpful).

 

[Chava]

One more thought...it's really hard to "think" your way into feeling...and I'm sorry this is how pressured you feel. Please talk to your therapist about all of this.

I don't cry. I spilled a few tears after about 1-2 years in therapy. I shut off feelings and senses around others and that vulnerability seems heightened in therapy. Either I or my therapist will disappear. It helps to find some sort of middle thing that I can connect to, like a soothing sound or stuffed animal or a kind of posture or movement...something that "feels" safe...and then even trying to explain how that feels different. But I'd say that took me quite a while to get to that point too. Anyway, I really relate to the no feelings and walls and hope you can respect that they are there for a reason. But I know it's frustrating, especially when they feel challenged when I don't understand any other option to having my walls and numbness.

 

[Chava]

Don't put up a wall, focus

:(:banghead:

Sorry. Ugh.

(we're cross-posting!)

 

[Mammo]

@Chava - yeah sorry, was typing too fast back...funny you're somewhere in America, and I'm in Sydney...

I think I'll take a break from seeing this T for a bit, see how I "feel" (hahah) about that. Maybe this stuff just isn't for me. Or maybe I'll try to find someone else who is less focussed on "physical sensation"?

 

[ghotiff]

I was going to post, but it felt too negative (and I'm not in the best place). If my T did this, I would leave her.

In reality my T (who I really like) keeps bringing up that I feel a need to present the "right" things. I get a sense that you are similar, you don't know how to anwser this question, so are searching for the "right" anwser, but my brilliant T reminds me regularly that there is no "right" answer....only how I actually feel.

 

[Chava]

I think I'll take a break from seeing this T for a bit, see how I "feel" (hahah) about that. Maybe this stuff just isn't for me. Or maybe I'll try to find someone else who is less focussed on "physical sensation"?

I'm not telling you what to do since I don't really know your situation, but it's obvious you are frustrated and not feeling okay (and I understand how hard it is to trust a therapist when its like this...and then just get stuck and feel like you screwed up, when that is not at all the case). But ditto @ghotiff about wanting the "right" answer...ask yourself if you are trying to do that at all, which certainly blocks us from noticing what simply is there.

Earlier on my therapist gave me some ideas, without giving me answers, partly because she probably knew I had no idea what we were even looking for...so, ideas like do I feel anything like warm, heavy, slow, pain...examples. Then sometimes I could say, "my arms are cold." Anything is a start. It's about not disconnecting from ourselves and our bodies. But it has to be managed in a non-threatening way.

I think the physical sensation stuff is actually very helpful...learning how to come back to our bodies, work on awareness of sensations and feelings and be able to slowly change how we self regulate. But your therapist is likely pushing it too much, which would understandably have the total opposite effect. Maybe don't rule out the physical sensation stuff, but consider a different therapist (and tell them right away how hard feeling is for you...if they have a good understanding of trauma they won't force you to feel anything).

I'm reading a book about developmental trauma and there is a lot of info on this...why the physical stuff is important but also can't be shoved upon someone without likely backfiring:

"Their ability to sense their body can be slow and initially difficult, because feeling the body initially brings a greater sense of threat than the non-feeling state." ... "Because it s frightening to come out of dissociation and to feel again, the process of returning to feeling and to the body must be carefully titrated." --Laurence Heller, Ph.D ("Healing Developmental Trauma")

A few years ago I could not even sense hunger, thirst, tiredness. My body sensations started coming back "online" because I absolutely had to gain some weight (some negative heart consequences and lots of near blackouts at the time). Then I was just flooded with pain...and that's all I could really feel. Dread, pain, and panic. I switched therapists to one who could help me with the body sensations...I didn't actually intend to go into trauma stuff. But it has not been overwhelming because the process has been tailored to MY need for slowness and caution. Not the therapist's need to push me forward. It's been a few years and I feel like I'm just starting to be okay with a range of feelings...I can even feel a little sadness (as a sensation and an emotion)...just a tiny bit and know some ways to not get flooded or shutdown and numb.

This isn't a process that happens over the course of a few sessions. I did not have any body sensations for a long time...then being able to name them or describe them at all was a whole other challenge. If I had felt my therapist was at all impatient I would have shutdown. Shutting down is my default...she knew that before I did. I sort of suspect your therapist is oblivious to your own defaults and self-protection, and ultimately that would seem pretty unhelpful.

Not sure if any of this helps. But keep taking care of you....if it feels more empowering to consider a different therapist, do some research. And if you can, tell your therapist you can not feel and it feels like you are being forced into places you simply can't access or go. That's not your fault.

p.s. sorry my posts are so effing long

 

[Rumors]

Mammo,
That would be tough... Not sure I could do it either. I was wondering though, when your therapist was asking you about how you felt when he hit your mom or brother or called you stupid, what does run through your mind? Does it anger you, do you just feel blank, or does it make your head hurt, or maybe make you nauseated?
I have struggled with emotional feeling forever. I suck at it. However, I have figured out that my anger manifests itself in a stomach ache or a headache. My anger isn't verbal. Perhaps yours may manifest itself into something physical instead as well. If so, I think it might be pertinent to go back to that therapist and tell him that your anger is a headache and it isn't anything verbal you can express. I still can't verbalize anger, but I damn well feel it in other ways. It is kind of weird how the body works. If someone were to ask me, "how does that make you FEEL" I really can't verbalize it other than it makes my stomach hurt. I think that is the beginning of the process and maybe I will never go any further, but if not at least I can identify now that I have a reaction and I am just not dead.
It has taken me a while to get to this point. Don't give up!!! Good luck!