What Am I Doing Wrong?

[ihateusernames]

I went through this little exercise with my previous therapist and I couldn't come up with anything. I don't understand the question. I don't know whether I feel emotions in my body. I don't know how to talk about them. I barely even know what to call them. It is frustrating and I felt like a weirdo and a failure. Talking about feelings always makes me feel that way. You are clearly not alone in this. I don't know why your therapist would find it unusual or be confused by it.

Edit to add: even what I just wrote "It is frustrating" is a brand new thing I learned about in the last few months!

 

[Chava]

It's pretty typical to feel disconnected from our bodies and numb. So the questions can help bring awareness to our bodies (which over a period and the right kind of awareness and practice is largely how we can develop new and less extreme patterns of self regulation....simple example for me would be how I'm decreased panic attacks through noticing what is going on in my body a little better). I really relate to feeling nothing at all. Just tell your therapist you feel nothing. If that doesn't feel like the "right" answer, can you admit you feel frustrated and need more guidance with this? Also, feeling nothing is a sort of numb or shutdown response...so if things are going too fast it could be an indication of that and pushing harder to feel does not help me. Sometimes I can name or notice sensations though, like what I'm hearing or seeing, which at least connects me back to my present experience...not sure if that feels like an option for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am learning that this is not so lucky as one might think.

I said that as someone who experiences emotions physically, sometimes in an extreme way. When there are days that I don't want to get out of bed, it's not because I'm mentally experiencing anxiety, it's because I'm physically experiencing it. It's pretty crazy......but, I totally get that many people don't have this physical side to their anxiety. I know I didn't pre-diagnosis. I do think that's where a lot of the disconnect lies with other people and trying to explain what I experience to them. (IRL). To them, emotions are all in the head, because after all this is a mental issue and I have a mental disorder, right? I think it's why people give advice like "just don't think about it" or "just don't worry". They don't know what they don't know, I suppose. Ok, I'll stop my tangent here, lol.

 

[Friday]

How is your therapist in other ways & areas?

I have a difficult time finding a therapist who is a good fit... In part personality & in part because my trauma schtuff lends itself to certain things... And locally, most therapists deal with very different paradigms.

It doesn't mean either of us, as therapist or client, are wrong for being who we are, or that either of us are "doing it wrong". It just means that we don't fit. And if we don't fit? I might be able to get something useful from them, but probably not, simply because I won't be able to hear what they're saying.

I want very much to do what he wants, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do? He asks questions and my mind goes blank and I literally "feel" nothing...?

What does he say when you tell him this / have you told him this?

 

[Biz]

@Mammo, I really identify with all your points about this struggle with body stuff. Reading over your post, it even gives off that same wtf vibe that I get when my therapist or reiki practitioner asks me that question. Because it's helpful for me to have small pieces, maybe it'll be helpful for you, I want to point out there's two parts to your post and both are huge. There's the where are you feeling things part and then there's the sharing that with someone part (ugh! so hard).

When I work with my reiki practitioner and she asks where I'm feeling she helps me figure that question. Sometimes she'll follow up with things like: does your feeling have a color or shape or is it hot or cold or does it have an element associated with it? And while that sounds kinda strange, I generally can get those senses before I can find what I'm feeling. But those questions help slow things down and once I'm more aware, I can sometimes find it better. She also will sometimes ask about an area, "Do you notice what your shoulders are doing?" That I can generally answer. But then there's that second part.... She expects me to respond. And it took a while to start doing that and then probably 6 months in she was like, "Okay, you have to start sharing your internal experiences now." I thought answering the questions was doing that! Now I'm trying to share and it's even more challenging, but in a way that I leave feeling amazing. I seriously think knowing where you're feeling something is a high level skill. I also just realized the other day that sometimes my feeling moves through so quickly to dissociation that unless I get a physical cue of distress (like teary eyes or my breath catching), it's gone before I can find it. I hope your therapist is pressuring you or judging you for you still learning.

 

[Mammo]

Hi everyone

Sorry for the delay in replying, timezone of Australia really doesn't help...

@sun seeker - I was paraphrasing - he's not phrasing the questions in a mean or nasty way...his point seems to be that I don't express or "feel" things because I'm too defensive to take my "wall" down between him and myself. "Why won't you express your emotions to me, in this room, it's a safe environment...".

This was pretty much the exclusive focus of our meeting. Which was really frustrating, as I just don't know how to respond. It is helpful to know that other people feel similarly, it would be nice if he can "tell me what to do"...or maybe it's just not that simple.

@Chava and @FridayJones yeah, I do say "i feel nothing" or "I don't know"...but he is pushing, and seems to indicate that as long as I maintain this "wall" between him and me, there's not going to be any progress. This is frustrating, as I had literally sent him a book I had written earlier this year, which explained everything. "Physical" feelings I can't do...but words, and pictures...now that's a different ballgame. I sent him the book to try and help him a. See where I've been; and b. Understand that I do have "feelings" and "emotions" but I'm not good at expressing things in person...one question I asked was, "So what does everyone else do here? Just sit in the chair and cry???" (am not being facetious here, I really want to know!). We just left the meeting on the basis that I'll go away and spend some time thinking about what I can "do" to, "feel" things, and uh, remove said wall...? (Hence I am here annoying you guys with my questions!)

@Biz - yeah..."whisky tango foxtrot"
Part of the broader picture here is:
1. I started speaking to this guy for answers to a specific question, not "therapy" per se, "why would I need treatment? there's nothing wrong with me!!"
2. Despite reading as many books as I can find...on everything...part of me is still somewhat circumspect about the whole thing...(yes, I'm bitter, jaded, cynical etc)...some of the sweeping generalisations that get made..."oh well, you know you've probably developed this way since birth..." - uh, really? How would he know that? I don't even know such things, and that's most likely not the case.

Is this SE stuff really it? In the initial meeting with my T his view was that the "physical" stuff would be best because I'm somewhat "overly-cognitive" already...is there something else I can suggest?

He also seems very focussed on the transference stuff..."what do you feel towards me?"..."how does me saying this make you feel?" I find this a bit strange...I know this guy is doing his job; he's not vindictive or trying to be mean; but at the end of the day, this is a professional relationship, he's not my "mate" or partner...or am I just being a cold-hearted b*tch and not emotionally bonding with the guy?

 

[Mammo]

Bah, sorry, rude of me, I meant to also include in the above, a thank you to everyone who replied, and I really appreciate the message of this not being unique to me...

thank you.

 

[Suzetig]

I think taking that wall down is an incredibly challenging thing and if he's any good he'll understand that. It's right that he keeps checking out and talking it through with you and it's ok that you struggle with it - that's part of the work of therapy rather than you doing anything wrong. I find it very difficult to connect by thoughts, emotions and physical feelings and still after 18 months with a very attuned, skilled therapist find myself lost for words. It's fine as long as he's not showing frustration or annoyance.

 

[intothelight]

I had to shut off my feelings in order to survive. I learned to disconnect from the pain, emotional and physical, just to function. The problem I found with that is as time went on, is I had a hard time reconnecting. It took a few years just to be able to identify and to permit myself to feel emotion and physical sensations.

You're not doing anything wrong, it is a matter of reconnecting again. First I had to identify the emotion and that was a challenge. I also had to develop an awareness of my own body and the physical sensations of just "being". I found yoga helpful for the physical aspect and just doing a routine check in a few times a day helpful for the emotional.

Once you start to make the connections again, it does get easier.

 

[ihateusernames]

one question I asked was, "So what does everyone else do here? Just sit in the chair and cry???"

He also seems very focussed on the transference stuff..."what do you feel towards me?"..."how does me saying this make you feel?" I find this a bit strange...I know this guy is doing his job; he's not vindictive or trying to be mean; but at the end of the day, this is a professional relationship, he's not my "mate" or partner

This is all so me! I do wish I had something more to offer than just understanding. :( I have asked my husband if any of the therapists he's seen do this to him. And he says no. What?? Then I start wondering if they try to turn us into a weepy puddle of emotions because we're female (I'm only assuming you are, correct me if I'm wrong.) *Sigh* Either way, it is hard.

 

[Viosinger]

My therapist asked me a lot about how I was feeling physically when I started with her as well. I was frustrated, confused by the question, I didn't feel anything physically. As I struggled with it, she suggested a book: In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine, all about trauma and the body's reactions to it. Reading and going through a breakdown of the question and some background on the idea really helped me. I've since discovered that I have a twitch in my left hand when I'm highly anxious or stressed, which I had either stopped myself from allowing or hadn't noticed previously.

 

[Friday]

Is this SE stuff really it? In the initial meeting with my T his view was that the "physical" stuff would be best because I'm somewhat "overly-cognitive" already...is there something else I can suggest?

To date... This is what actually worked in my life 10-15 years ago (didn't know it was exposure therapy), and it got me about 92% symptom free for apx 10 years. Now that I'm back to square 1, I'm doing the whole thing on purpose this time, including trying to get a grip on my trauma stuff & not just my symptoms from the trauma stuff. 2 sides of the same coin.

Exposure Therapy ... Link Removed