Relationship What Am I Getting Myself Into?

[Armygf1992]

Hello Everyone,

I just recently met a guy and we connected right away.

On our first date he explained his past to me and mentioned that he has PTSD. At first I didn't know what exactly to think. My mom was in a relationship with someone who she thought had PTSD but he always denied it and said "you don't know what you're talking about!" He was a nice guy to my siblings and I, we never had a problem with him. Him and my mom started going through some issues and I figured that half of it was her fault because she is a very stubborn person and very pushy. They'd have their days where they were very loving and then they had their days where all the would do is argue. I'm not sure exactly what happened between them but it was a huge roller coaster and now they've been separated for about 4 months but she still holds onto him.

Back to my story, he told me that his dad was very sick and has done things that he doesn't forgive him for. His parents divorced after 33 years of a strong marriage because he thought his wife cheated on him so he took action and lets just say things got really bad. Before all of that he had never touched alcohol in his life and now he goes out a lot. I like to drink myself but I know my limit and I'm hoping that if I do stay in his life I want to give it up together.

I don't know whether I should get myself into this and see for myself how he will act or save myself and walk away. I also have something big that I'm dealing with that I thought no one would accept but he did. I was diagnosed with HPV about a month ago and when I told him he told me that it was okay because it is treatable (not cured) and avoidable with protection. Honestly when he told me that it's okay and that none of his feelings have changed for me it felt good because with 2 others they completely dropped me.

He is the sweetest guy and such a gentleman. Of course all guys are in the beginning and then after a while things change for some. I'm not one to tolerate emotional or physical abuse. Once someone treats me bad, I will walk away because I'm a big hearted, honest, loyal girl that would never try to hurt someone. People say if you really love someone you will fight to make it work but to me why are you going to let someone bring you down and ruin the good person you are? That's not the way it should be. I really enjoy his company and he's got great goals. He really wants to get out of the Army and continue going to school to study criminal law. I really don't know if I should give this a chance.

I'm one that likes to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually when I do that I regret it and hate myself for it. I want to be able to be there for him because I know that he really has no one. Please help.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I want to tell you to hang in there, but honestly, at this point, I can't. If you are still at a place where emotionally you can walk away, I would. If you can be friends without letting it move to more, do that. The emotional drain of PTSD is horrible. I feel guilty saying this. But it sounds like you want a healthy, equal, emotionally supportive relationship like most of us do. The problem is, in my experience, PTSD is kind of like a 3rd person in the couple. And this illness is a demanding, selfish, draining 3rd person. I do not mean to cast aspersions on the sufferers, I really don’t. I cannot imagine going through what they do on a day to day basis. The sufferer I was with for almost 3 years was a wonderful man. If the sufferer has been in therapy for a good amount of time and is good at communicating his needs (and hearing yours) and does not fear showing his private feelings, maybe.

What are his symptoms? How long has he been in therapy? Is he on medication? Does he have anger or any violence issues? What are his triggers? Does he abuse drugs or alcohol? You need to know these things.

I am no longer with my sufferer. Being in love with someone who can go through periods of time in depression where he isolates, cutting you out of his life, and hates people in general was really hard for me. It seems pretty common for a sufferer to just disappear from time to time or to push you away. Being in love with someone who when he gets stressed out can be in front of your face, but feels vacant hurts. Logically you may know it is not you, but it still hurts and tends to make most women insecure. Knowing about it and living it are two different things. And, think about it - if you were in a depression, all of your energy going to just basic functioning. How supportive could you be? It often felt like I was in it all alone. The man I was with was a wonderful man, but PTSD is … all-encompassing at times. And he needs additional therapy and thinks he cannot get any better than he is now.

You need to read as much as you can about PTSD. You need to be prepared to have a fulfilling life outside or apart from him if you have a relationship with him. He will need his space from time to time. He may not communicate for periods of time or push you away or express other issues connected with PTSD. You say you have a big heart, you will need to spend a lot of time guarding it. You cannot fix him. You cannot make it go away. I wish you only the best. Most of the supporters on this site are the strongest people you will ever come across, in my opinion. Maybe they can give you better advice.

 

[sessie]

I think that PTSD can vary GREATLY with people and over time. I've done enough therapy that my triggers are very controlled and I have about 3 weeks of severe anxiety a year (around the time of the anniversary of the event). For others, it can be an everyday struggle that precludes intimacy...there's lots of room in between... Maybe knowing more about how he suffers, what he's doing about it, and how it has affected previous relationships would help?

Also, I wanted to say that HPV is TOTALLY NO BIG DEAL. Pretty much everyone ends up exposed to HPV, whether they actually have warts/symptoms or not. If you do have a strain that has produced warts, it does NOT mean your future partners will even get it. Or they may get it 10 years later. It's not possible to predict. The few strains that are related to cervical cancer are the only ones to even stress about...and you should just get your yearly PAPs. So, get PAPs, get any warts that bug you burned off, and realize that it's just part and parcel of being a sexually active human being. I have never dated ANYONE who thought HPV was a deal-breaker, so don't fret that you'll never find another partner.

Good luck!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

FYI, 1 out of ever 2 sexually active people in the US have HPV. Just thought i'd tell you that. It is very common. A real man would not walk away from you over that.

Also, I do want to say that my opinion above only comes from my experience. I am still dealing with my own pain over it. Best of luck!

 

[a3a2]

I would be encouraged by the fact that he admitted his ptsd.

 

[Armygf1992]

That's what made me feel good, he came out and told me everything our first date and said that he's not a violent person! I honestly take his word for it and he's already introduced me to some of his family which also made me feel good.

 

[Armygf1992]

I think that PTSD can vary GREATLY with people and over time. I've done enough therapy that my triggers are very controlled and I have about 3 weeks of severe anxiety a year (around the time of the anniversary of the event). For others, it can be an everyday struggle that precludes intimacy...there's lots of room in between... Maybe knowing more about how he suffers, what he's doing about it, and how it has affected previous relationships would help?

Thank you for the response! To me HPV is a huge deal especially cause I just turned 21 and that was only my 6th time having intercourse. I'm dealing with it though and it does take someone who isn't immature to accept it because like I said 2 others walked out on me within a week after telling them. I do want to believe that it's not serious and that he can control himself. He's honestly the first real person I've come across in the past 2 years. I may be young but honestly I want something serious because I'm really mature for my age. I'm not a partier, I don't sleep around with just anyone and I have a lot going for myself. I want someone to share my life with someone else and he's that someone I wouldn't mind sharing it with. I just don't want to be caught up in something I'm going to regret but I guess I'll never know until I try.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am a sufferer but I honestly think having a relationship with someone with PTSD is possible. There are many people on this forum with good, strong relationships...myself included. It is possible. It just takes work.

Also, I do want to say that my opinion above only comes from my experience. I am still dealing with my own pain over it.

I did notice the pain in your post. I wish you the best of luck in your future relationships.

 

[Armygf1992]

I am a sufferer but I honestly think having a relationship with someone with PTSD is possible. There are many people on this forum with good, strong relationships...myself included. It is possible. It just takes work.

The thing is though, I'm so young and I don't want to have to spend my life trying to make a relationship work. If I was older or married to him, then I would probably understand better. I want to be happy and not have to worry. I know that no relationship is perfect, trust me. Everyone has their ups and downs but I want mine to be filled with more ups. I also don't want to just give up before even seeing where it goes because that's not who I am. I like taking chances. I mean no fighting has even happened yet because we just started dating. But since he told me he has PSTD that's why I'm on here. I've read stories on how people deal with it and stuff and I don't want to have to suffer. Like I said, it's only the beginning and maybe I'm over thinking it? But the fact that he did mention it to me on our first date and opened up about a lot, I respected him so much for it. He's been down here for 4 years and in those 4 years he's only dated one girl and she was apparently crazy and vandalized his home but to me it made me think "Why?" I didn't want to make him get into crazy detail but he told me that he just didn't want to be with her and that she flipped out on him. I want to let things fall into place themselves but I don't want to get caught up in something bad.[/quote]

 

[Deleted member 1860]

PTSD aside, does he have a drinking problem? If so, walk away. He needs to save himself first and a new relationship is not advisable for someone with a drinking problem.

If he is in treatment for PTSD, I would think things over quite thoroughly, weighing the pros and cons. If he is not in treatment, I advise you to walk away. An untreated person with PTSD is generally not someone to start up a new relationship with. Even if he is treated, the relationship will still have its ups and downs in navigating through the symptoms of PTSD.

I wish you the best.