What Am I Suppose To Do With My Freaking Life?

[Hopeless wanderer]

Hello, I am a new user here and it is my very first post and of course, my first thread. So, my apologies if I violate a rule. If I do, please let me know. And I am not a native English speaker as well, so again, please ignore my bad English.

I just don't know what am I suppose to do with my life anymore.

I used to live in a different city back when I was a child. After I was 12, my parents sent me to another city where my uncle's family lives and so, I moved in to their house, since they were insisting my parents to do that for a long time.

At first, when I moved in here, I thought they all love me and truly care about me. Why else would they ask someone to move in to their place, if they didn't really care?

Unfortunately, I was wrong. They all literally hated me, used to make very snarky comments behind my back. They never ever appreciated anything I did. Whether I got an A or A+, all I used to hear was that I suck at studies and that I don't work hard enough. Not to mention, they used to tell my entire family that I am a knucklehead moron etc.

For 6 long years, from the ago of 12 to 18, I never EVER got any decent appreciation and used to get constantly taunted from every single one of my family member. Everyone used to laugh at me, whether it's my home, school, or relatives. My cousins used to say a lot of crappy things about me.

Therefore, I felt like a piece of ###t when I grew up. Soon it turned into more than just a 'feeling'. I started to hate myself, never trusted myself with anything, lack of confidence, my academic records started to decline, and I stopped caring about myself. Self-loathing was the only thing I was good at. And the days just went by... Hell! My mind was so messed up that I didn't know what my favorite color was. A damn color. For God's sake, I was 20 and i didn't know that simple thing.

People used to just throw stuff at me and I used to just do the job without saying a single word since I didn't have any guts. I didn't even realize what I was missing out and stopped caring for what I liked.

Now, I am 21 and I am about to enter in the final year of my university life. But all I can think about is killing myself, and that I can't do anything. I can't even focus on my studies. Whenever I try to study, after a few mins, the troubling thoughts start bothering me again. And I just quit the task that I was doing. My exams are near, I have already failed once in my University, which is the first time I have ever failed in a class in my entire 15-year academic career.

I should also mention that since last few months, I started to have high-bloodpressure problem. I was on medication for a while but when my coarse was over, the bp went off charts once again. So, I have to keep taking my medication on time. If I just miss its one coarse, it starts get very high.

I just feel like no one cares about me, my friends sometime ask me to hangout but I just feel like a third wheel, feel like I am bothering them and I'm just in their 'way'. So, I stopped visiting people. My best friend still tries to cheer me up whenever he gets a chance but after a few mins, I go back to my gloomy-mode. Even he has started to ignore me now, the person whom I care a lot and he cares about me.

I don't know what the hell am I suppose to do with myself anymore. My exams are in one week and I still haven't studied anything. I am going just nuts. It is my last year of university and I don't even know what I am going to pursue after that. Masters or a job. Even if I go with either one of them, I don't know which particular field am I interested in.

PS: Sorry for the rent, but I just couldn't held it in any longer.

 

[Hopeless wanderer]

I am sorry if I am not allowed to double post but I forgot to mention a few more things:

When I was 4 years old, one of my own uncles sexually abused me. I had absolutely no idea at that time, of course I was a little kid. I was confused and didn't know what's going on.
He continued to do it for a few years. Then he started to tell one of his other pals, so I was like a sex toy for them. As I grew up, a lot of my relatives started to sexually harrasse me and force me to do extremely nasty things.

After I moved to my uncle's place, which is located in an other town, it stopped but as mentioned in my above post, I had to face the "emotional abuse" over there. But the past sexual abuse was not over, unlike what I was thinking.
It continued for a really really long time and I couldn't neither tell anyone nor stop it myself. People started to call me on my cell phones and used to threaten me. Some of them even came to my house.

Recently, a few days ago, one of them saw that my relatives are going out of town so he came in to my place for a glass of water. After he was done with it, he asked me to sit in the chair in front of him but thank God, I finally had the courage to say that get the **** out of here if you are done with your water and he actually left.

So, it is also one of the main cause of my ptsd.

 

[Artfulone]

Welcome to the forum Hopeless Wanderer. It takes courage to speak about abuse and to enter the process of working through trauma. You are brave and strong, although it may not always feel that way. Have faith in yourself and your path.

May you be grounded like a tree and embrace reaching out unto the skies to be free.....Best wishes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome to the forum....

I don't have much advice, but I'm sending you warm hugs, if that's ok.

Are you able to seek out professional treatment at this time?

 

[Hopeless wanderer]

Are you able to seek out professional treatment at this time?

No. I have tried to look a lot, but there are no professional therapists or psychiatrist available here, unfortunately. Which makes it even harder, so self-healing is the only way I can think of.

 

[MomOfTwo]

It takes a lot of courage to say your 'truth'. I think you need to give yourself so much credit to getting to your last year of university. I would talk to perhaps a student advisor or counsellor about an extension on exams or something for medical reasons. I am sorry you were abused by the people who were supposed to take care of you. Glad you had the courage to stand up to your relative. I wish you the best in your healing journey.