Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[krisss]

I completely understand how you feel. I’m also an emotional person who completely loves his sufferer. Un...

I think I remember you mentioning that, no updates for you?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I think I remember you mentioning that, no updates for you?

The only update is he feels that I outed him and therefore he can’t speak to me right now. My intentions were definitely honorable and for his protection. He said he forgave me, but it’s gonna be a while which I don’t understand.

 

[Freida]

DEFINITELY not something I want him thinking, that just makes him get more distant right? But i'm still mad, i'm trying to work on letting it go. I think coming here and writing it and actually GETTING IT OUT, is helping.

hmmmm..... I have mixed responses to this. From the sufferer side your anger would be something I'd want to run away from. But - at the same time I think you have the right to your feelings. If you are upset you shouldn't have to hide that just because he is on edge.
The idea that you are holding in all this anger because it will push him away is unsettling. There should be some point where you and he can sit down and have a real discussion about what is going on. Blowing up = running away. Having a conversation about how upset you are? That is part of any relationship and PTSD doesn't give you a permanent pass from arguments about how your supporter feels.

I'm a bit concerned about how badly he is treating you and it seems to be escalating - especially the whole not coming home thing. Some of these things don't quite seem like part of PTSD relationships. Is it possible he is using that as an excuse? Would you tolerate this behavior if he didn't have ptsd? It might be time to take the PTSD off the table and see if he is just being an asshole. For one of these relationships to work BOTH people have to be willing to work and it is starting to seem like he is taking advantage of you letting things go because of his diagnosis..

 

[Justmehere]

My personal opinion is perhaps a little harsher on him than others. As a sufferer, it’s painful to see any supporter strung along this way. We need more good supporters in the world.

What you describe him doing doesn’t seem PTSD related. Even if it is PTSD related, he’s not interested in treatment and he’s advancing in his drinking. Frankly the behaviors you describe sound more like what alcoholics do. I’d suggest reading up on that a lot more. It might make a lot of this make more sense.

He’ll hold out hope he’ll say what you want to hear when wants to kiss up or is afraid of losing you entirely. That’s not a PTSD behavior. That’s a manipulative behavior more like what an addict would do. (I do recognize there is a huge link between alcoholism and PTSD.)

You want more. He clearly knows you want more. He’ll dangle the hope of more because it keeps you in this dance with him.

The up and down and on and off - that can come with alcoholism too. It turbo charges all lot of this stuff.

When someone holds on too long hoping for a the other person to change in a relationship.... both parties can end up resenting each other.

He isn’t doing the work of recovery. You can’t do it for him with all the patience and space and lack of pressure in the world for someone self medicating themselves isn’t going to lead to change. Boundaries can help someone else reach their “rock bottom” and finally have the motivation to get help.

Right now, this situation is totally working for him. He’s got no reason to deal with his stuff and change. He never faces any consequence for it.

Of course, you know him the best, and I could be TOTALLY off course. As we say a lot around here, please take only what’s helpful (which could be nothing of my post) and disregard the rest.

Whatever is driving this behavior, my heart goes out to you. You deserve big kudos for trying as hard as you are to navigate this well. Damn, he should be more grateful to have you in his life. I’m sorry he doesn’t recognize that more and get his butt into treatment to help him make it work with you better.

 

[LuckiLee]

Ok, I'm gonna do what @Freida said and take PTSD off the table. Now you have a typical 22 yo (so very young) guy. Who sounds to me like he doesn't really want a serious relationship. And that's ok. But he has to be honest about it.

I was 22 once ;) and I dated. Alot. I definitely wasn't ready for a "real" relationship. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from my Grandma. She said "date em all leehalf". Lol. And this coming from someone who married the first man she dated. And loved. It doesn't sound like he's able to meet your needs. You want a serious, exclusive, fiancé type of relationship. Yes?

I have a question if you don't mind...
What symptoms is he showing? I don't recall you mentioning any.

(J's home gotta go) :)

Just one more thing. Date em all, @krisss.
ZO

Ha! Oops. XO

 

[krisss]

Honestly I saw these yesterday and could not even reply because I got so emotional.

Everything is just so weird, he is not the same person he was two months ago. Or maybe he is, and he's just now showing the real him.

I'm losing grip of this. I cried so much last night, i'm just so sad.

His PTSD symptoms - nightmares, shaking, staring blankly into space, says things and forgets he says them or will fight to the death with me that he said something when he really didnt, drinking all the time, not being able to sleep well, hot & cold. These are all things that have just progressed.

& what bothers me the most, is the kind of relationship i want, like you described, is what we had! Then we broke up, he started acting really weird, his symptoms started to get worse, and now it's like im trying to break down some barrier that was built. I'm not used to this part of him at all, so I don't know what to do. I also have control issues, I dont like not knowing, i do not like uncertainty, i need to know all details at all times, and the fact that i don't know anything, is making me panic.

His sister has told me to kind of relax because him going out and staying out late is something he has always done, that's just him -she said. & i feel like before we broke up he was more conscious of not doing that and now hes getting more comfortable with it. I did express to him that he has never done that and I don't like that and he did say he knows he hasnt gone out like that, he doesnt know why he is and then said he wouldnt stay out late like that anymore. So I guess i have to wait and see for that to see if he actually wont.

I'm just not happy right now. I know everyone goes through things, and rough patches, & that I shouldn't have expectations or put a time limit on something when its something and someone you want to last forever, but damn.

& you see sometimes i ask out of reassurance for myself, about him still wanting to be with me, or wanting to eventually marry me and have a family and stuff like that. & he always says yes, and that he wouldn't be with me all the time if he didn't. so he reassures me when I ask.

I vent to his sister sometimes, who is my friend and shes how I met him - and she tells me I need to stop trying to control the situation, and him and let him come to me on his own, on his own terms. because look how he opened up to me on new years and posted me on Snapchat for his friends to see etc. & i'm like okay I get that, but what about me?

This is honestly the most challenging relationship i've ever been involved in. I know it is changing me in a good way, because it is teaching me not to have control and stuff like that - so like do I just keep going with it?

I go back and forth just cause I am so confused. Things are so different, and i know when you break up and try to get back together, that old relationship is gone and you have to focus on the new one. Start over, fresh. & I do not know how to stop comparing it to what it was before, and how he was before. I dont know how to get used to this.

I am so sorry I am rambling now, :(

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I would suggest to let go of the old relationship; it’s done and over. Since you are working on a new one, let that be your focus. Sounds like you have to just relax and let things happen naturally without any expectations so that you’re not so tense.

 

[krisss]

I would suggest to let go of the old relationship; it’s done and over. Since you are working on a new on...

Oh my goodness am I always tense now! & i'm telling you, i was completely fine with how things were going (because they were getting better as I updated y'all) and then he did that GF thing and ever since i've been on complete edge.

I'm not fully aware of how to just relax, and stop having expectations.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Oh my goodness am I always tense now! & i'm telling you, i was completely fine with how things were goin...

Put it this way if it helps, I believe my ex is seeing someone else. I don’t know why I feel this, but I do. He’s not wanting to speak to me or even text which makes me feel like someone else is on the picture. We had (what I would call) an amazing relationship until August when I was laid off from my job; he was gone a week later into the arms of his ex. WTF! Since then, he found out that wasn’t a good idea, so we became closer. So then there’s November where he started acting weird right before Thanksgiving, then shut down w/ no contact, and it’s been that way ever since. He says it’s due to my violating trust, which I accept, but he’s forgiven me for other things as I did him in the past. So now, I just hope and pray for him to at least return to the friendship, however at this point if he doesn’t there’s nothing I can do; he said it would be a while before he could speak to me (huh?). I’m just relaxing and not expecting anything and I’m a different person then I was before any of this happened. Some supporters can endure any and all a sufferer gives them; I’m losing momentum and resiliency because I don’t feel what I once felt.

 

[krisss]

I am currently having a mental breakdown, someone please talk to me. He just ended things out of nowhere.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I am currently having a mental breakdown, someone please talk to me. He just ended things out of nowhere...

I’m sorry you’re going through this; unfortunately it happens. You should just focus on you for a while and leave him to work things out for himself. Ending a relationship without any explanation is extremely disrespectful IMO. Sounds like he may be overwhelmed and stressed, so now is not a good time for him to focus on the relationship. Give him some time.

 

[krisss]

I’m sorry you’re going through this; unfortunately it happens. You should just focus on you for a whil...

Last night, he took off without any explanation really, just said that he needed to go to his friends etc leaving me anxious and panicky with no answers. Then last night he told me that there are things he is doing that arent my business and he hasnt lied to me and would not keep things from me and would tell me when he could but right now is not the time. At that point, I was not even mad I was hurt that he could not tell me whatever it is.

He just texted me and said " honestly there isnt an easy way to put this but we're going to stop seeing eachother cause ive tried to rekindle what we used to have and make myself get those feelings back and its not working and i feel overwhelmed cause the fact of the matter is that I just wanna be alone now, so when I get off work today im gonna get my stuff and im gonna go. I understand we have plans to go places but i really cant go and cant do this anymore and I need you to understand that"

i responded if this was because I was asking what he has been doing, and why cant he talk to me in person, and you say you dont have feelings for me anymore? im so confused

He then said "its not that at all i just told you the reason, i wanna be alone now. Thats it just respect that"

So I said - "i feel like you got overwhelmed when i started asking you where you were going and what you were doing because before you even told me you wanted me to be your gf again and i dont think you were faking that or any of it or telling me you loved me, youre doing this again. Can you wait for me to get home so we can talk, if you want to go thats fine i wont stop you, but i think i deserve some kind of an actual conversation"

To which he responded " no thats literally not what it is, i just told you what it is. I want to be alone now. Theres no conversation to be had between us"

I am literally heartbroken, WTF. All of a sudden? And hes being so unbelievably cold to me after I literally just said I think i deserve some kind of conversation?????????