Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[krisss]

If you’re sure he’ll be back one day, then I believe you answered you question. Sounds like he left be...

Yes I know. I go back and forth with it. One minute i want to wait, the other I just want to forget him. This sucks :cry:
He has left before and returned but I dont know.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Probably beating a very dead horse with this here, but: Yes, these relationships take bionic strength and...

I completely agree with you @Hojay. For the record, I’m not saying this about my ex; just sharing some of what I read. Yes he isolated; he is now. He’s irrational at times, but a beautiful spirit. I just wanted to get some answers on how others deal with their SO who may be the sufferer or supporter.

 

[Hojay]

I just wanted to get some answers on how others deal with their SO who may be the sufferer or supporter.

Do you mean how to deal when they isolate or with irrational, erratic behavior?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Do you mean how to deal when they isolate or with irrational, erratic behavior?

Both actually.

 

[Justmehere]

@krisss - :hug: Do you have any friends you can spend time with? When I have been through an end of a relationship important to me, I found that one of the most helpful things for me to do was to be with friends, even if I didn’t want to be. It will get better and you can then invest in a relationship where someone treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

If you wouldn't forgive a healthy "normal" person for cheating, abusing drugs or alcohol, you shouldn't forgive a PTSD guy for it either.

Exactly.

Cheating, lying, and many other behaviors you refer to @B.J., are not in the diagnostic symptom set of PTSD. And if they are maladaptive ways a PTSD sufferer is engaged in to try to cope with PTSD, that does not excuse the sufferer from responsibility for their behaviors.

It is not helpful to sufferers or supporters to use PTSD as an excuse to be a jerk or just simply tolerate someone being a jerk.

Isolation because of being overwhelmed by symptoms is one thing.

A sufferer breaking up via text in a long term relationship because the sufferer doesn’t want to stop drinking and partying all night, that’s something different.

 

[krisss]

@krisss - A sufferer breaking up via text in a long term relationship because the sufferer doesn’t want to stop drinking and partying all night, that’s something different..

.

THIS!

I know there are parts that go together with his PTSD, but I also know the other part isnt a part of that either. Which quite frankly, sucks.

I know I deserve more, it's just hard because of the moment and of course everything we've endured and gone through. And the things I personally have gone through for him. I know it is how life works, but it is crazy that sometimes you put so much effort out, and get nothing in return.

I'm a great girl, knew him in and out, told him about himself, supported him, let him cry on me, supported him financially if he needed it, spoiled him, went above and beyond. He will never find someone who knew him, or love him the way I do. & in a way, thats okay.

because he'll regret treating me like this, whether it be now, or later. & by then, i would have known better and the loss would be all his.

I will find the love I try to give everyone else.

 

[krisss]

But yes I have friends! Tomorrow I took off of work, im actually going to do a yoga class, grab lunch with a friend i havent seen in a while and then spend the rest of the day with another girlfriend of mine. I can't just sit at home and mope all day, especially when I know for a fact he's not.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh good, I’m glad you’ve made plans to spend time with your friends!

I will find the love I try to give everyone else.

Exactly. Well said.

 

[krisss]

I still have my moments of being sad, and confused & conflicted. But it really helps to talk it out and just vent. Especially when so many of you guys have been through something so similar & have pushed through. You guys are inspiration in a difficult time. I can't thank you enough.

 

[Hojay]

Both actually.

Tricky to answer that in this thread, because it's also a lot about how what the OP is describing is not JUST isolation or PTSD-related erratic and irrational behavior, but something else. But this briefly.

Through horrific trial and error, SO and I have pretty strict protocols in place for both (work great some days, others not so much)

Isolation: he can have space and time, but I expect one text message a day telling me about one thing he is grateful for that day. That let's me know 3 things: 1. he's alive, 2. it's got nothing to do with me (something I need reassurance about sometimes because human,) and 3. that he was forced to think of at least one positive that day. He'll eventually come out of it.

Erratic, irrational behavior: Ongoing process, but we have now established a protocol of a safeword for MYSELF that I can use at the first sign that he's going off the deep end with me. And I don't care if he feels slighted, confused, or whatnot about me using it. That ensures that the discussion doesn't escalate to a point of triggering us BOTH to a point of no return. Protocol then is no more talking until he has calmed down, BUT we will never go to sleep without a message saying we love each other and good night. That's difficult, of course, depending on the severity of the situation, but there needs to be a sort of meta-level to these irrational times, wherein both of us know this isn't him.

Lot's more to it, but that's it in a nut's shell.

 

[Freida]

I will find the love I try to give everyone else

This is one of the most heartbreaking/happy things you have said because you finally see it! Yes. You will find the love you deserve. Because you deserve it.

Everyone has a relationship in their lives that tears their hearts out at some time or another, and you are going through that now. Set the PTSD aside for a sec and see. You have fought so hard for this idiot and he has given you nothing but grief in return. It doesn't matter if he has PTSD or he's just an asshole--- he has treated you like crap.

So what does that mean? that you have a tremendous amount of love and patience (good grief you have patience!) to give to a relationship with someone. Maybe instead of waiting for someone who refuses to do the work to keep you, you can take what you learned here about the tough relationships and setting boundries and blah blah and use it to have share that love with someone else who deserves you in the future

 

[krisss]

You have fought so hard for this idiot and he has given you nothing but grief in return. It doesn't matter if he has PTSD or he's just an asshole--- he has treated you like crap.

EXACTLY. It is heartbreaking, that he has done this. I know not all of it is his fault, but he retreats to that aspect of his life by knowing that i'll in a way accept it because of his PTSD issues he does have. But sometimes, too far is still, too far. I think he expects me to just be there waiting arms wide open, because thats how I always am. He got comfortable. That was my mistake.

I have SO much patience, and i think that is what was taken advantage of. i've been taken advantage of. Yes i have my own flaws, I can be a bit annoying and this and that - but none of that takes away from how much I love him or put my heart and soul into him and us being us.

I've done so much work too. This forum, blogging, journaling, meditating, yoga - researching articles, reading up on things. SO MUCH WORK.
& he continues to do the same thing he's always done, and is not willing to give me an inch.

Why do I keep wanting to be with someone who doesnt think im worth a fu*king inch.

Fool me once, shame on you -
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me 5x - I don't really have an ending for that one.

So stupid of me.