Melody coates
Silver Member
Just curious to know some of the things people have said to justify abuse towards you and others. i've always got "she gave you a roof over your head and food in your belly. you should be thankful!"
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What Are Some Of The Excuses People Use To Justify Abuse?
- Post starter Melody coates
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SwordsPandaGirl
Silver Member
Mine:
"You like this"
"If you tell they will blame you and you will be the reason why the family breaks"
"You enticed him"
"You could have just asked him to stop" - which I did..
"he's a man"
"You like this"
"If you tell they will blame you and you will be the reason why the family breaks"
"You enticed him"
"You could have just asked him to stop" - which I did..
"he's a man"
Justmehere
Sponsor
"You are such a (various insults)"
"This will help you"
"You will like it"
"I love you"
"I did (xyz) for you"
"I paid for (xyz) for you"
"You will never learn"
"You deserve it"
"You make me so mad"
"You are always such a problem"
... abusers have said these things and bystanders (family and non-family members) have agreed and they have justified not doing anything about it by saying:
"You need to just make him happy"
"He is so stressed anyhow"
"He is having a bad day and you need I learn to stay out of the way"
"Don't you see what you do to people?"
"You have it better than I did" (sometimes true but doesn't justify abuse!)
"I can't do anything about it"
"(Another family member or community member) is helping (the abuser) and you need to give them time."
"What is wrong with you?"
or in the case of other abusers
"You shouldn't have been in that location anyhow"
"You shouldn't have said no so strongly" (seriously)
"You are crazy"
The most common thing said to me:
"You provoked him/her."
"This will help you"
"You will like it"
"I love you"
"I did (xyz) for you"
"I paid for (xyz) for you"
"You will never learn"
"You deserve it"
"You make me so mad"
"You are always such a problem"
... abusers have said these things and bystanders (family and non-family members) have agreed and they have justified not doing anything about it by saying:
"You need to just make him happy"
"He is so stressed anyhow"
"He is having a bad day and you need I learn to stay out of the way"
"Don't you see what you do to people?"
"You have it better than I did" (sometimes true but doesn't justify abuse!)
"I can't do anything about it"
"(Another family member or community member) is helping (the abuser) and you need to give them time."
"What is wrong with you?"
or in the case of other abusers
"You shouldn't have been in that location anyhow"
"You shouldn't have said no so strongly" (seriously)
"You are crazy"
The most common thing said to me:
"You provoked him/her."
- Post starter
- #4
Melody coates
Silver Member
i also got "you should've behaved better and not been so much trouble". really huh? I was never suspended or expelled, never talked back to teachers, didn't get in fights, i have a SQUEAKY clean record, didn't sleep around, didn't party or smoke or drink anything till i was 18, adults loved me and always complimented me for being well behaved. Yeah i was the devil all right!
My abuse was intended to save my everlasting soul from the lake of fire.
Even today, with an increased awareness of child abuse and with teachers and public officials sworn to act on anything that even remotely looks like abuse, you don't often hear of religious parents being charged with abuse or neglect until some poor child dies or is starved or beaten to the point of hospitalization or reaches adulthood and brings charges against a parent or church leader.
I talked to lots of people about my abusive parents and was pretty much left to survive it alone until I got a work permit and left home. I was told that they meant well, that I should just "knuckle under" until I was an adult, that they were nice people and honored members of their church so no one would consider my complaints as anything more than being a rebellious child, and of course, the oldest reason in the book, that it was for my own good.
I believe that religious parents that are taught by the church how to systematically break down the will and spirit of children to make them more accepting of a religion are creating easy prey for the molesters, both in the churches and out. Maybe the worst damage of all is the planting of the idea that the kids are somehow bad and need fixing when they are in many cases just cynical of the religious ideas being forced on them or, as in my case, just one hell of a lot smarter than their parents,
Even today, with an increased awareness of child abuse and with teachers and public officials sworn to act on anything that even remotely looks like abuse, you don't often hear of religious parents being charged with abuse or neglect until some poor child dies or is starved or beaten to the point of hospitalization or reaches adulthood and brings charges against a parent or church leader.
I talked to lots of people about my abusive parents and was pretty much left to survive it alone until I got a work permit and left home. I was told that they meant well, that I should just "knuckle under" until I was an adult, that they were nice people and honored members of their church so no one would consider my complaints as anything more than being a rebellious child, and of course, the oldest reason in the book, that it was for my own good.
I believe that religious parents that are taught by the church how to systematically break down the will and spirit of children to make them more accepting of a religion are creating easy prey for the molesters, both in the churches and out. Maybe the worst damage of all is the planting of the idea that the kids are somehow bad and need fixing when they are in many cases just cynical of the religious ideas being forced on them or, as in my case, just one hell of a lot smarter than their parents,
illusionist
Diamond Member
" you were born a bastard, you deserve nothing more"
" you never listen! ( I'm hard of hearing) , said on a daily basis after beatings for not listening.
" your mother was a whore! I will beat it out of you" ????? Said by foster mother often from a young age.
" you like it".....sexual abuse by foster dad.
" think yourself lucky....even your own mum gave you up, didn't want you"
" you can't do anything right"
" you don't deserve food, it's wasted on you"......school dinners was my godsend.
Worst one of all was " your mum and dad died to get away from you" adopted mum and dad died when I was three and four. This one really worked in pulling me down and believing that somehow I was a worthless being and deserved what had become of my life.
" you never listen! ( I'm hard of hearing) , said on a daily basis after beatings for not listening.
" your mother was a whore! I will beat it out of you" ????? Said by foster mother often from a young age.
" you like it".....sexual abuse by foster dad.
" think yourself lucky....even your own mum gave you up, didn't want you"
" you can't do anything right"
" you don't deserve food, it's wasted on you"......school dinners was my godsend.
Worst one of all was " your mum and dad died to get away from you" adopted mum and dad died when I was three and four. This one really worked in pulling me down and believing that somehow I was a worthless being and deserved what had become of my life.
Last edited:
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Melody coates
Silver Member
@illusionist i was an adopted child so i know how it feels to be told that even your own real parents didn't want you.
illusionist
Diamond Member
Yes Melody, it takes a hell of a lot of undoing to understand that it's not the reason why people give up their kids. Total, total nastiness.
illusionist
Diamond Member
Oh no Kailani, mine was long term and by the time I and my brothers were out of the house he would never have passed as a foster parent ......he was an alcoholic and too far gone by the time I was 16 to be able to cover up his problem.
I take consolation in that I can remember my adopted dad, a very loving, caring man....least I had that for a couple of years, unlike Melody who probably never had that experience in her life.
I take consolation in that I can remember my adopted dad, a very loving, caring man....least I had that for a couple of years, unlike Melody who probably never had that experience in her life.
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