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General What are they thinking?

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As for hubby... He wants to take your pain away. What an awesome guy!! Just tell him what you need.
There is no JUST tell him. In the thick of it, even with my unfailingly supportive husband, it is impossible to ask for anything or communicate anything. I can talk after the event, but while I'm going through it speaking is dangerous, cruel and worthy of punishment. Survival requires silence.

I suppose it is the same as the difference between "normal" therapy and trauma therapy. I understand that for most people it is a relief to unload it all on a T. With PTSD just naming things is risky.

I'm rather fortunate to be with a man who is naturally silent.
 
I understand that for most people it is a relief to unload it all on a T. With PTSD just naming things is risky.

Yes! In therapy it is incrediablly hard to talk about any of it. I guess that backs up the "we don't talk about it" that was engrained hard into me. My therapist has to finish my thoughts for me or pave the way to talk about it or he gets the sort of gist and we sit in silence.

Silence is huge when going through it. The pitch black is my saftey as is silence. Communication is incrediablly hard. At least during it. I can, maybe, tell you after but during? No way!
 
I can talk after the event, but while I'm going through it speaking is dangerous, cruel and worthy of punishment. Survival requires silence.
If going through trauma, right now, yep. When the trauma is over? It can feel this way, but it’s not actually this way. Survival post trauma does not require silence anymore.
There is no JUST tell him.
True. It’s sometimes impossible to get myself to speak or move or do something I need to do, even when it’s safe-ish to do it now.
 
I was trying to explain that it isn't as simple as "just" tell your OH. I was addressing the gap in understanding between supporters and sufferers, saying that what looks like a simple act of considerate communication to a supporter is an insurmountable wall of impossibility to a symptomatic sufferer.
 
I was addressing the gap in understanding between supporters and sufferers, saying that what looks like a simple act of considerate communication to a supporter is an insurmountable wall of impossibility to a symptomatic sufferer.
I think @LuckiLee was talking about more general conversation for me and hubby on what my needs are when I'm symptomatic when I'm NOT symptomatic... if that makes sense? Having conversations ahead of time so we can get a foundation of things he can come use when I'm having a bad day. Like, sometimes I need a dark quiet room. I know this from experience,, so if I can tell him ahead of time on a day I'm not symptomatic, then it will makes sense that when I stomp in and turn off the light it's about ptsd, not him.
 
I feel, if you're in a committed relationship with someone (and you made it past the honeymoon stage) these are things that need to be worked out during good days. No?

If the words aren't there, maybe a hand signal or a certain emoji could work? After almost 7 years together, J and I have finally worked out some of the kinks. It was not easy!!

I guess I'm lucky in that my "sufferer" includes me on his journey. We're very open about our feelings and he shares alot of what is going on in his head.

Yes, these are conversations that should take place when you're not symptomatic.

P.S. if the survivor is still in the "avoidance" stage? Then that's where the problems come into play. Imho.
✌& ❤
 
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I'm glad you called his bluff. If he bails on you then he isnt the person you want him to be. Because this isnt PTSD. This is being an ass to someone who doesn't know how how valuable she is.

I think being a successful supporter means knowing your own boundaries. Because you should be the one setting them...not him. I know if hubby let me run rampant over his feelings and not truly commit to our relationship I would probably behave just like your guy.

But I don't. Why?

Because I have someone to call me out on my crap. I throw an ultimatum at hubby and he will take it. Because he isnt here to be my part time person. Hes here for a relationship....and if I won't see that then hes out. If he gives me the ability to string him along?? I will.

I think you need to reevaluate exactly what this relationship is doing for YOU. Why are you allowing him to behave like this? Take this time of no contact and ask yourself why you want to change him. Because he is who he is. It might be time to ask yourself if he is enough for you---and not the other way around
@Freida I really love what you said here.

There's been some really good conversations going on around the forum on isolation from the supporters side. It amazes me how far off the mark I am on that. That whole "I'm helping by leaving" thing.

It's rearing it's ugly head again. Today therapy was tough. Really tough. Wander the house all night because I'm afraid to sleep tough. I came home and hubby wanted to help. He wanted to hold my hand and tell me it will be ok and pet me and all that reassuring crap people do when someone is having a bad day. I can't let him and I don't know why. I just know I need to keep my distance. Maybe I'm afraid I'll contaminate him? Maybe I can't have anyone, even him, in my bubble? Maybe because if he is too nice to me I'll start screaming and not be able to stop?

He's upset. I translate that as he's mad at me for not talking, or for making a big deal of nothing or being annoyed i'm once again acting like a drama queen. I know in my head these things aren't true -- that he is just worried. But for some reason those other things make more sense to me. I'd take off so he could get some non-my-drama time but I'm too tired. So I just ignore him and I come here to vent. To tell strangers what I won't tell my husband. :(
Have you ever wrote your husband a letter? I find face to face communication so hard but I can write really well thought out letters. Or can you write him a letter when your feeling how much you love him, then when your going thru a rough time he can read his letter from you?
 
As a supporter, I would love it if a letter was written to me
I would love that as well

@Freida or you can do a shared journal between you and your husband, as long as you don't mind letting him read it. Journal your thoughts. But communication doesn't always have to be talking if your not feeling well. You can do sticky notes, shared journal, letter, keepsake letter. The only thing that matters is that you can feel safe resting, and during that period he knows he is loved and feels like your a team and even in silence your still connected. Which may ease your mind as well.
 
So. Today is a "hate my supporters" day. I know they just want to help but they cant. And they accept that. ..more or less. But they still worry and I know they worry and I'm drowning right now and can't worry about them worrying. So I have to get away from them. They want to offer comfort but I'm in a place where I don't think I deserve comfort. So how do I push them away without upsetting them even more? And why is how they feel my responsibility? If I'm in a bad place it takes all my energy just to put one foot in front of the other. I just CANNOT deal with their emotions when I can't even deal with my own. THIS is why I isolate. I just don't have the energy to try to explain to them how I'm feeling and what I'm going thru. And I can't get them to shut up! STOP talking to me --- even if it's about mundane shit. I don't care. My brain is hurting to much to keep up my end of the conversation. go.away.
 
Tell them "you and T are working on some new things and you need to deal with it alone. Thanks for the support. I'll reach out soon" A text is fine that way you won't have to talk about anything.

Or...

You could throw them a bone. Lol
They want to help. Let them. Someone can run an errand you need taken care of. Or make a shopping trip for you.

Maybe hubby can be your buffer. Let him take your calls for now. I do this alot for J. His family adds so much stress I often play middle man and keep their shit away from him. And I have no problem doing it as it makes my life easier too.

It's not your responsibility to deal with their feelings. So don't feel guilty about it. They're adults and can figure it out on their own.

XO
 
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