Kind of mixed up. This holiday stuff is hardcore this year. I think a lot of filters have been removed and I'm really kind of feeling stuff; definitely thinking about it. My thinking is differently and including my emotions. I've also had to do a lot for my mom, so that's sent me a little sideways. I feel the knots welling up in my stomach, plus I've had the cold from hell to contend with. I think I'm also feeling rather contemplative, questing a lot about my thinking and my behaviors; about my present and my future..
I chose to call my mom yesterday, fearing the talons would sink in again, but they didn't it. She was actually in a rather calm mood as they'd upped her Depakote to sooth her paranoia. I found myself comforting her and talking to her like a small child, reassuring her. It seems along as she has breath in her body, I'll be taking care of her as I always have growing up. Then again, I'm trustee and Executor so I guess I'll still be taking care of her once she's passed.
I guess I couldn't put it into one word, but that's kind of what I'm feeling if you can read between the lines.