It's partly maybe the holding this crap in. It's terribly hard to know what to do since 'letting go' could mean spinning off into too much emotion and reaction, I know.
I'm not going to thank anyone in particular FOR the forum-that isn't liked too much and one sees why, of course. I do wish to say it's existance is very important to me. Before joining here, I'd have no doubt gone to bed, given up and started taking my migraine pills incorrectly, or just spun off into fragments of meaningless movement. This stuff sucks. The worst, I think, is probably the intrusion again of that person ( still dead but don't try to tell my head that). I've been seeing that safe house, smelling it, hearing the sad children there. I wish I could find the counselor, this young guy, who told me when I asked if any of these women go back to their abusers that they all go back. I told him to look at me, I won't. He gave me this sad look, like yes, I would.I've always, always wished to find him and tell him he didn't have to break his heart over that job everyday because I didn't go back. There's hope.They had to keep a watcher on the phone there-women with broken bones would try to call those men who made that and beg forgivness, come get them.It was a safe house-secret, secret place.Not a shelter-a SAFE house but awful awful awful. I did not think physiologically one could still do flashbacks after 2 decades but you can.Are you supposed to SMELL your flashbacks, too? Wierd.
Feeling grateful to be able to let all that out, for the forum, for good, kind friends who know this stuff.
