Devastated and crushed for the umpteenth time. There is nothing worse then regularly being forced to witness mind-rape, being mind-raped yourself, right there and then, and just begged, pleaded and antagonized, practically demanded to join the hostiles. It's like the thinking and motivation goes something like: "Laughing turns to tears", and if it doesn't, I'll make damn sure it does.
Feeling hurt, betrayed and impotent.