I am feeling brave, courageous and heartful, wistful, happy and confident.
So I am focussing on the positives. I made B and Papa Bear pancakes this morning for breakfast. The carer that came and showered Papa Bear said to him that he was really spoilt and Papa Bear agreed and they have a happy conversation about that. I felt happy about this - that he appreciates and notices what is being done for him.
I told B last night that he does a wonderful job with his father and that he has to give himself a break. I went through a mental list of all the things that he does so well, and I told him that I am so proud of him for being so amazingly dedicated. He said he couldn't do it without me, I said we are lucky to have the relationship and life together that we have. (Girlfriend grumbling rights not ceded, by the way.) I gave him lots of love and affection yesterday as he is so tired. I am working on my attitudes and my being present in this now. I feel pleased about how I did this.
Papa Bear is someone that has been so much nicer to me than my own mother and father. I feel a little bit wistful about not ever having a nice parent He is someone who really appreciates the food he gets, the company he has and what life has on offer as well. (Okay he complains and obsesses but that is the age group and also the disease!)
He comes out in the morning and says things like "Hello Cutepie!" or "Hello Sweetiepie!" These are the moments to focus on and not the overwhelm. I feel special when he says this.
I have to tend to the overwhelm as otherwise I dissociate, space out, become not real or the world becomes not real or I eat or watch TV series obsessively - which also can be relaxation as well - so it is tricky. I feel not impressed that this is the legacy of Complex Trauma that I live with, but I feel so pleased I am not ruminating on that today.
Papa Bear has gone to day respite for the day - and he kissed me and hugged me and I kissed him and hugged him and I wished him a good day and he said sincerely "I wish you have a REALLY good day!" I felt happy when he left to go and hang out with his friends. He was so resistant at first to having in home help and going to respite but not he gets upset if he thinks we might run late! I feel so lucky to have such good skills in caretaking and organisation.