Painful feelings, that I'll never finish growing up before I die and that I can never redeem myself in the eyes of so many people. Gratitude for making friends easily and for learning from everyone. Grateful to be evolving in my understanding of death and less and less scared of the future. Grateful that when everyone turned away or is elsewhere tonight, in all spheres, I found myself not freaking out but instead taking care of some things, okay in solitude. Sadness and shame, feeling like I am not allowed to do anything wrong while everyone else is allowed to bury their sins as long as they agree I'm the bad guy. Grateful my manic energy has broken and I feel very heavy. Sad that I have so few peers but learning how to be the gutter mutt I am. Eyes to the stars. Lonely and overflowing with abundance at the same time. Glad there's always dead folks to hang out with when the living aren't feeling me. Sad for my friends struggling with so many similar things. Sorry for being misunderstood, I mean no one any harm. Worried for one I can't reach, trying to be patient. Shame for being me. Shame for causing pain to ones I love. Shame for being so present. Some unnamed feeling I can't seem to access.