What are your requirements in a therapist?

[Movingforward10]

My requirements were:
Female
Gay (which really reduces the pool)
That I felt they were kind from their photo (which again really reduced the pool).
Cost (as I was paying)
Location (as it was in person to start with, but now this wouldn't be a criteria for me as online works too)
Age (my age or older, but I think I am prob more flexible on this now)
That they say they work with trauma and sexual abuse.


For me, qualifications aren't important. I don't hold education in too high esteem. For me, someone being able to relate, be self aware, be a successful therapist is about personal skills not a particular level of qualification.

Having had a successful therapeutic relationship based on that criteria. It's made me think I could be more flexible in some of the criteria but not all.

So, are there things you can be flexible on or something things that are absolutely necessary for you to feel they can work with you/you can work with them?

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

@Movingforward10 I think it's a good idea to sort what is necessary versus what is potentially negotiable. And I am in a good position right now in that I am pretty stable, so I don't need to take the first therapist that trips in front of me. I want therapy, but this stability is fortunate because it gives me the space to be picky.

Gay (which really reduces the pool)
That I felt they were kind from their photo (which again really reduced the pool).

Ideally I would work with a queer female or nonbinary person. But I think I am potentially open to anyone who isn't a cis-gendered man. And I think I am also judging folks on their photos, too, which maybe is a point I need to be more flexible on. But I just can't with anyone who looks like they spend hours in front of the mirror/it feels like a total and complete clash with my own ideals/I would worry that they would spend the entire session judging me for my decision to age naturally. But that might be a bit more of my own issues than anything about the potential therapist. It's a good thing to think on.

I do think I can potentially be flexible on training and certifications. Ideally I would be with someone who has completed continuing education in DID (such as the ISSTD advanced training course) but I can let that go as long as the person truly understands and knows DID. That is not flexible, as the DID underscores everything and nothing is ever successful when my multiplicity isn't taken into account.

 

[sidptitala]

For me, the first priority at the moment is cost. Which has meant all other factors slip away. If I get into a more stable position these are things I would go searching for in a therapist:

• A woman older than me who has compassion and has personally experienced some adversity and overcome it in therapy (doesn't really matter what type of adversity). Genuine warmth would be key.
• Is not going to be awkward about same sex relationships (not easy to find)
• Has experience working with dissociation, abuse generally and sexual abuse in particular
• Uses EMDR
• Someone who is openly opposed to the oppression of any group of people and believes that it's important to oppose that

I've seen a few therapists that I didn't get to choose in a short term way- most of them don't meet these criteria. Men rather than women, think the issue is me being unlucky or too intellectual rather than being oppressed etc. I have also seen 2 women and I feel from that that gender will be a really important factor to me if I end up able to choose.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

I spent today SCOURING the internet and I think I came up with one that actually fits my criteria. She’s full, but I’m on a wait list and that is a relief.

However, I did do a very unscientific study on psychology.com between the place I live now and the city I used to live in. Despite this city being bigger, there are, indeed, far fewer therapists here than there. I am not crazy on that front, but frustrated. 500+ results for therapist that work with PTSD/DID in my old state, less than a hundred in my new region (that has more cities and millions more people than the old home). Sigh. I really am thinking about moving countries eventually just so I can have access to better health care options.

 

[One step at a time]

I think I came up with one that actually fits my criteria. She’s full, but I’m on a wait list and that is a relief.

I meant to respond to this a bit ago! From my experience, your mileage may vary:

I've gone looking for a therapist by scouring the internet twice. Once for a personal therapist - I found someone who sounded truly excellent and like a good cultural fit on paper, who turned out to be pretty useless for me, in practice. (Nice, friendly human who got impressively defensive the minute I respectfully and gently said that one of her suggestions wasn't working for me. She couldn't get past that.) Once for a couples therapist - I found several options who sounded reasonable on paper, scheduled free 15-minute phone calls with each prior to scheduling a session, and they mostly turned out to be somewhere between unsuitable and actively bizarre. In both cases, I ultimately got a good therapist via referrals from trustworthy people.

All of which is to say: if you need therapy, and you need a therapist who is both skilled and a good fit.... personally, I would see if you can talk to this person that you found on the phone. If you can, you may get a better sense for whether you want to be on their wait list.

And in any case, but especially if you can't talk to this person on the phone before getting off their wait list... I might suggest casting a wider net, and asking for referrals from the ones who seem like good-humans-but-unqualified. They may know who the good-humans-who-are-qualified are. Or you may get successively closer to a decent referral, by asking for better referrals from those referrals.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

Thanks @One step at a time

personally, I would see if you can talk to this person that you found on the phone.

This doesn't seem to be the common practice here. I'm also a mess on the phone. Phone calls are literally my worst nightmare, so I'd rather just wait and meet them in person.

asking for referrals from the ones who seem like good-humans-but-unqualified.

Another very, very baffling thing here. I asked a few people for referalls and they just outright refused. Perhaps something in the work culture that I just don't understand as an outsider? Also, if there are no free phone consultations, then it means I have to go in for a session. And my insurance doesn't cover mental health, so I'm paying full price (sliding scales also don't seem to really exist?) and I can't afford (literally) to just try people out. I definitely feel a little trapped by all of this.

I figured that getting on the wait list is a sort of no-harm, no-foul approach. It doesn't commit me to anything if I find something or someone else. And right now I want therapy, but I'm not in a place where I feel like I HAVE to have it, so waiting for the right person is probably best for me. I'm still looking, however ....

 

[hypervigilant]

When I have paid for therapy it's been trust that was utmost for me. Secondly being able to connect. I've had Hypnotherapy, inner child work and crisis help that were outside of the normal therapy system but really helped.
I'm in the UK so mental health is a postcode lottery and getting help from a trauma therapist seems to be nearly impossible it's all CBT or DBT talking therapies. I've just had 12 weeks of shallow counselling and it's my last appointment next week but I'm lined up for DBT in the new year for more intensive ( hopefully) counselling. I'm not a great fan of talking therapies as I feel constantly rehashing it keeps it at the forefront of your mind. Think manifesting.
I've had therapists that have been shocked or upset by what I've revealed which is in the least distracting. I had one that was so disinterested that I got nothing from it and left me feeling unimportant. The system just sends you around and around so when you have finished your 6-12 week session you can just book back in to do it again. It took 3 sessions to get moved on to the next level which again you can resit up to 3 times so it's pretty long and drawn out to get any real help. Like you I feel any help is better than no help as at least I'm clocking in with somebody but it is also really frustrating.

 

[Calmdown]

-Empathy (harder to find than expected)
-Trauma knowledge and experience in that field

And the therapist should be able to convey a feeling of safety in a sense that he/she isn't intimidated by dangerous people.
I think even just these three points are nearly impossible to find in one therapist.

 

[Friday]

Just realized, on reread, I never answered the OP on what MY requirements are.

- Trauma Therapist (when addressing trauma / PTSD)
- Masters or higher.
- Knows more than me.
- Experience in one or more areas of my hardest traumas.
- I get on with them / personality click.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

- Knows more than me.

I've been reading the book Intensive Psychotherapy for Persistent Dissociative Processes by Richard Chefetz and at one point he quips that clinicians should be aware of the literature around dissociation so that they at least know as much as their patients. I thought it was so, so funny. But also true -- and why I can't seem to handle working with trainees. I know faaaaar too much about all this after these many years of therapy, and the thought of working with someone who isn't familiar with at least what I know is horrifying at best.

I really recommend the book. An academic read, but so very funny, in that sort of academic book kinda way.

 

[One step at a time]

Intensive Psychotherapy for Persistent Dissociative Processes by Richard Chefetz

Thanks for bringing it up. Just read a sample, am appreciating the perspective and the way he writes.