The secrets revealed
Shit where do I start?
How about laughing when my step mom got punched in the face, and when my dad put a gun to her head and then clicked that thing that allows one to pull the trigger. I hate that fu@@en Biiiitch and I still take joy in those memories since she has caused so many bad ones for me.
I drank nightly and played head games with everyone who I came in contact with. I left my son with who ever agreed to watch him.
I pretended to like some one so they would give me drugs or alcohol.
I got men excited and then withheld sex from them because I can't stand sex. I felt I was getting even with all men for the abuse I suffered, and it was their fault I didn't like sex. However this backfired once, and the guy took it anyway.
I was a thief and did this so I didn't have to work because work has been such a stressor for me.
I picked fights with bullies because I can't stand those assholes who prey on the weak. Took joy in kicking their ass while only weighing 120 lbs. Had my ass kicked quite a few times though, and loved it because it toughened me up (but hurt my pride). (Can't stand pain now and wouldn't conceive of fighting a bully unless some one was being hurt badly)
Got even with a boyfriend for cheating on me by calling my ex husband up and having sex with him, and then running back to my b/f telling him about it so I could watch him cry. Took great joy in watching his break down.
Pretty much got even with anyone who wronged me. If I couldn't out wit them I would kick their ass. I can't think of every time I did it because the list would be too long. About 12 years of head games and physical fighting.
On the week of final exams my father was murdered and I didn't take the exams for 3 months (cheated on them because I had forgot what I learned), then got my Associate Degree and went numb and started stripping.
(The whole 5 years I stripped I only drank 5 times and never fought with one girl in the place because I was so numb from Prozac. Prior to this murder I thought I had it together and became a good mother, did legal work, stopped shop lifting and fighting and playing head games).
Forged and altered prescriptions and almost got caught so decided to quit (Dear old dad taught me this one)
Stole a bottle of liquid Demerol from my doctor after my car accident, and dear old dad supplied the needles because he was diabetic. I love my dad and forgave him of all his faults and neglect.
Went back and stole a bottle of liquid Valium and sold it to my dad's friend. It was out dated so I had to refund the money. I did these things after my car accident and had major brain damage and don't think I would have done it under normal situations because I had gotten over the whole stealing and illegal activities. Once my brain stopped hemorrhaging I quit doing the illegal things again.
I don't think stripping is a bad thing under the right circumstances. I think dancing for some one who is single and knows what they are doing, and there is no taking advantage of, or misleading, I see nothing wrong with it. But what I do find wrong, is taking money from men who have a wife and kids at home clueless, who could use the money for bills or food etc.
The last thing I did was head butt this girl in the face and broke her nose because she bad mouthed me for two years. I was arrested, tried and convicted. That was 8 years ago.
I suppose I've done some minor head games without realizing it, but nothing serious. I catch myself manipulating some times out of habit, but continue to try and catch myself.
Oh, I trade Valium for Vicodin with a friend so I don't have to pay to go to the doctor because I'm poor. This is my current issue that needs to be fixed. Doctor visits and prescription medications are so expensive.
I love myself..... Ho Hum De Dum. Wouldn't change a thing (except neglecting my son) because this is what makes me what I am today.......... A SURVIVOR, not a victim.
Peace
Tammy
