Bad stuff today, facing that stony wall in me that doesnt allow me to say things and talk because im a guy and your not supposed to talk about things,have feelings and all the rest of that junk, and the fact that i hate that thing society stuck in me, thats a bad one for a start,but more seriously,
I remembered some things today from a period in my life when i was without hope and a drink/drug addled shell of a person, when down at the bottom of society i saw and did a lot of things, and they just got pushed away to the do not open cupboard so i could get by and survive,
I remembered someone i used to know called dee, which then made me remember how i knew them, dee helped me more than a few times and probably kept me alive, i dont know what happened to her, some say she moved up north, i doubt she will ever know how much she meant to me then or what she did to save me from myself.
When you have nothing and your at the bottom of the pile finding food enough drink and stuff to keep you going is a daily challenge, we used to spend time at the same place looking for tricks to get some money to get by, what i remembered was what i used to do to get food, a bottle of drink, maybe score some gear, and thats whats got me at the moment, turning tricks to get by and meeting some seriously unpleasent people, it aint the sort of thing that sits well with me remembering those times, remebering shutting out what i was thinking and just going with whatever was happening.
Bad things i have done, does learning how to survive when you have nowhere and nothing but pain count as bad, forgetting who you are, shutting out your own disgust with yourself and the way you are so you dont have to think, doing things just so you can get by have another drink get high and forget about the world for another few hours, sometimes i wonder which part of me screwed up the most, but bad things i have done, selling my self for money drink and drugs ranks fairly high on the list.
I remembered some things today from a period in my life when i was without hope and a drink/drug addled shell of a person, when down at the bottom of society i saw and did a lot of things, and they just got pushed away to the do not open cupboard so i could get by and survive,
I remembered someone i used to know called dee, which then made me remember how i knew them, dee helped me more than a few times and probably kept me alive, i dont know what happened to her, some say she moved up north, i doubt she will ever know how much she meant to me then or what she did to save me from myself.
When you have nothing and your at the bottom of the pile finding food enough drink and stuff to keep you going is a daily challenge, we used to spend time at the same place looking for tricks to get some money to get by, what i remembered was what i used to do to get food, a bottle of drink, maybe score some gear, and thats whats got me at the moment, turning tricks to get by and meeting some seriously unpleasent people, it aint the sort of thing that sits well with me remembering those times, remebering shutting out what i was thinking and just going with whatever was happening.
Bad things i have done, does learning how to survive when you have nowhere and nothing but pain count as bad, forgetting who you are, shutting out your own disgust with yourself and the way you are so you dont have to think, doing things just so you can get by have another drink get high and forget about the world for another few hours, sometimes i wonder which part of me screwed up the most, but bad things i have done, selling my self for money drink and drugs ranks fairly high on the list.
