What Bad Shit You Haven't Done

[Kintsugi]

I have not been honest. Like, ever. Honesty is elusive to me. I have trouble accessing where and what it is, and when I know, I find it impossible to bring it to bear anywhere in reality.

I have lived a whole life of deceit, using manipulation instead of assertion to get what I want from others.

Instead of telling people how I feel, what I need or want, I just leave when I cannot suppress my own needs and feelings any longer.

I am sick of lying, but it's like the truth wriggles free of my grasp when I catch it. It is so enormous, so slippery, so intimidating in its demands, so despicable in its heartfelt yearnings. I simply let it go.

And in doing so, I destroy everything and everyone, my Self included.

I am nothing but a vessel of lies, attempting to coerce others into fulfilling what I desire without fully understanding why or how I do it.

I'm sorry, B. You were right when you told me I was never able to be honest with you. I'm still not there. I wish I had been, all the years I could have. I wish I were there now.

 

[Ronin]

@Simply Simon, you're being honest in your heart whole time long, and you're being honest here, and now.

& in so many covers to keep? You had to be darned creative, damned honest about what you can do, and not, and then also pull it in reality. That's a lot of good qualities, right there.

 

[Marie E.]

I haven't acted on my fantasies of karate chopping my children's father a second time for getting away with everything literally and shaming me with having my children with what he did to my older one!!

I haven't gone ptsd postal acting out in a full blown panic attack with flashbacks in public.

I haven't ever been in jail.

 

[Heather]

I haven't bought a gun to kill my daughter's abuser and her mother.
I haven't egged their car or house.
I haven't shouted out, "f*ck you both!" as I drive by their house.
I haven't written molester on their front lawn.
I haven't smashed their car windows.
I haven't laughed out loud when the backend of their car got smashed.
I haven't hired someone to do a drive by shooting.
I haven't hired a hit man to knock both of them off.

 

[Heather]

@Cashew I like this thread A LOT. Helps get the anger out. And boy is it coming out.

 

[Heather]

When I saw Tina walking down the street (abuser's mother) today I DIDN'T run her over with my car.
I didn't roll down the window and scream at her.
I didn't drive my car into a tree or telephone pole (although I did spend quite awhile trying decide which would do more damage)

 

[Ocean5]

**hug** @Heather if you accept

 

[Heather]

I DIDN'T shoplift.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I haven´t taken my upstairs neighbour yet, slit his throat and made him into a meatpie, á la Sweeney Todd.
I really should. He would be of much more delight to the world in a pie-kind of way.

One can always dream.
(FYI: he´s a loud asshole that knows loud noises are triggers for me, I asked him politely to consider his neighbours, but he´s so cool he doesn´t care).

 

[ladee]

I have not killed any of my ex husbands or any of my own family members.

 

[Heather]

I didn't tell the DCF lady to go f*ck herself today. Even though I probably should have.

 

[Neverthesame]

I didn't go off on my boss for being a useless petty neckbeard.

I didn't quit my job. As I really can't afford to. Even though I f*cking hate it.