General What Do I Say To That?

[xxarmywifexx]

Let me start off by saying that my husband, he is my life. He gave me 2 beautiful girls. Since he got back from Iraq...slowly he has noticed a change. After he had his appendix removed he had and still has nerve damage. I feel like we are battleing two things that are defeating us horribly. :stupid:

When things get bad at our house...he shuts down. Cries and tells me he has nothing to live for. Leaving me feel like I'm nothing... His life isn't over. We just started to live. We have yet to buy a house, see our children grow up and move out...see our grandchildren ect... What do I say to him?

-xxarmywifexx

 

[xxarmywifexx]

No answer to my post yet...

No one can give me something that has worked for them..or at least someone that can
relate? I'm just so lost when he breaks down like this. It happens to often for me to ignore and I feel helpless when I'm faced with this over and over.

 

[Cowgirl]

Sometimes, the depression that a PTSD sufferer feels is very deep. Sometimes, they even commit suicide (or attempt it). What you can do when he says such things is to remind him that he is the world to his children, and that he is your hero. Build his self-esteem a little. Because the PTSD sufferer often goes through bouts of depression such that they cannot see their own value. Remind him of all his wonderful qualities. Tell him you love him and need him.

But you can't just say it once and he'll be all better. It will happen again and again.

What you can do for YOU is to work on YOU. Remember that he is NOT your whole world. Your children are a huge part of your world. YOU are a huge part of your world. Your friendships and interests are a huge part of your world. Take care of you. Nurture you. You have to get strong and stay strong to make it in a relationship like this. You cannot fix him. NOTHING you do or say will fix him. You can only help him, love him, and be supportive. Ultimately, he is in charge of his fate.

So, love him. But love yourself and your children too. Pursue a hobby. Do things for your own mental health. Don't let him be the entire center of your universe. Let your universe expand a little to encompass more, so that you can have more joy and peace in your life.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

 

[xxarmywifexx]

That you Cowgirl. Sometimes I get so involved it's hard to step back and take a good look at what is really going on. I'm under a lot of stress and I do need a hobby of my own.

I'm so glad I found this forum, you guys seem like a family to me *smile*

-xxarmywifexx

 

[becvan]

When things get bad at our house...he shuts down. Cries and tells me he has nothing to live for. Leaving me feel like I'm nothing...

Just a quick pointer here. One of the hardest things is to realize that this isn't personal. Your taking it as personal. His whole world is upside down. HE FEELS that he has nothing to live for, not your not worth anything. This is about him, not you. I know this is very difficult to put into action, but if you can separate yourself a bit and remind yourself this is how he is feeling and not a reflection on you or your relationship it will help immensely.

bec

 

[2quilt]

Make a list or get him to help you -together- make a list of what he has to live for. Write it down, get him to write it down.

 

[FightingLily]

xxarmywifexx,

Love him, and please be strong for him. Assume the role of " logical, predictable, and reliable". He needs you to be this role. As becvan said, don't take it personal. When his world feels like it's crumbling, you have to be the rock that steadies him, anchors him, and reassures him. Good luck.
Lily

 

[nlk]

xxarmywifexx, what cowgirl says is so true.

Sometimes I get so involved in my friend's depression that it takes everything out of me and I can not function in 'my' world.

I have been told by many people that I have to take care of myself so I can be there to help her, and there are times when I have to force myself to do that instead of being available just in case she may need me.

nlk

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Wow, So much to take in. Thank you guys for the response.

I have no one in my life that understands what I go through on a day to day basis, I can't imagine how my husband feels. I sat with him last night and had a good talk with him. He is so sad on the inside. I just want to hold him until it all goes away. All I did was cry this morning before work. How do I get past this saddness I have. I want to be his stability but where do I draw this strength from, fightinglily?

UGG!

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Hi armywife,

I was holding back a bit here. My wife went through some similar things as you. There have been times when my depression, "crazy making" behaviour and physical ailments have been too much for me to handle on my own and I know she was left wanting to help me, but not knowing what to do.

Some of the things she has done to help was just be there when I needed her. She would tell me how important I was to her and our daughter. She let me know the positive stuff that I do. She made it easier for me to go to therapy by making allowances at home, like scheduling our life around it. She let me know I wasn't in it alone. All of these little things were huge ofr me all put together. Now when things get bad, and yes they sometimes still do even after years and years, we shift gears and go into the "depression mode", where there is a little more cuddling than usual. More walks as a family than usual. etc.

When it comes to finding the strength, I am not sure where she gets it from. I'll ask her tonight.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

*awe stricken*

thank you :wink:

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Hi Armywife,

I spoke with my wife last night as promised and after thinking it over for a while she said that her strength comes form a number of different areas.

1). Her faith in God.
2). Her faith in me and belief that inspite of my mental illness I am a good man.
3). Her knowledge that these episodes will pass. It will take time, but they have always passed for me.

We have been together for almost twenty years and my PTSD was with me(undiagnosed at that time) when we got together. We really had some hard times in those early years especially with my being emotionally numb and distant, and then the times when I'd get really depressed. However, somehow we made it through to today. There is much wisdom in the AA saying One day at a time. I think it really applies to so many areas like coping with PTSD.

I hope this helps.

Our prayers will be with you and your husband.