What do supporters want to know?

[Sideways]

I'm trying to pull off being in a relationship, but it's overwhelming on so many levels and a big part of me is thinking this is just too hard. The guy is patient, he seems to be okay with me needing to take things slow and cancel at the last minute.

I'd like to explain things to him so he understands, but I don't know how to. I don't know which parts he needs to understand and which parts aren't as relevant. I don't know how to explain to him why I need so much space.

I don't want to launch into "Well it's because I was brainwashed and let me overwhelm you with the details of my trauma...". I'm not ready for that. But I would like him to understand that dating me means dating someone who is going to need isolation at times, and lots of company at other times. I want him to understand about triggers, and what it actually means when I say "I'm having flashbacks and I can't get this damn dead miuse out of my mouth".

So, what do you say? Where do you start? What does he need to know, and how can I possibly help him understand??

 

[dulcia]

But I would like him to understand that dating me means dating someone who is going to need isolation at times, and lots of company at other times. I want him to understand about triggers, and what it actually means when I say "I'm having flashbacks and I can't get this damn dead miuse out of my mouth"

Can you just say it like this?

Dating me means dating someone who is going to need isolation at times, and lots of company at other times. Then tell him what you mean by isolation.

Because of _______ (my past, somethings I went through when I was younger, some of my previous experiences...), I have some triggers. What that means is that ________ (loud noises, country music, being in a car....) can really upset me. What I need what that happens is __________ (space, a hug, a walk....).

If I say something like "I'm having flashbacks and I can't get this damn dead miuse out of my mouth", I need ____________ from you.

In more specific answer to your question, maybe only tell him things that he can actually help you with. Like giving him a task or a next step when scenario A or B happens, as opposed to dishing out your trauma details. The hardest thing for me as a supporter is not knowing how to help and desperately wanting to (or even making things worse when I just want to help).

The things I put in parenthesis were just fill in the blank examples.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I would think.... Honesty about what you need, what you can give, all because of your life, but without going into detail.

 

[Sideways]

Honesty about what you need,

I don't know. I honestly don't. This isn't something I've done before. It's not something I thought I would ever do. And I've been isolated for so many years that having someone else want to be in my life and want to spend time with me is completely foreign. So I have no idea what I need. I'm not even sure what I want...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Write it out if you have to. Keep rewriting it till you think you have it right. I totally get where you're coming from. I've been alone for 18 yrs. I honestly don't know how I'd cope with it either. But, honesty with yourself and them with him is the first step.

 

[EveHarrington]

I honestly have no idea.

I think I got lucky. My guy knows a LOT! Seriously. I think I hit the jackpot in finding someone who wants to understand and doesn't judge or tell me to go fix myself. (...being told to go fix myself is worse than being told to go f*ck myself.)

What did work was not saying things before I was ready, and having a sense that he was open to not only hearing what I said, but accepting without judgement.

 

[Willowtree]

Just coming from what I know would have helped me...

Just being aware of that you have this illness.
Also, i would let them know to read up on it, be knowledgeable about the effects, and what helps as opposed to what doesn't for you.

I know even knowing about it and being aware would have helped prepare me for sure!

Hope this helped.

 

[Buttercup]

I hope all of the responses here are helpful to you. They seem like the might be.

What if you point him here to research? Orbit not here other sources of reference so he can learn. Then he may have questions too. But he could start by getting a better understanding.

 

[LuckiLee]

Have him do a little research on PTSD/relationshis then address his questions. He'll want to know how the disorder affects you and your relationships.

If he asks questions about the trauma that's different. Only answer what you are comfortable with.

If he doesn't want to do the research he's not worth your time. IMO.

 

[Sideways]

I actually am assuming he doesn't know much about ptsd. It's an assumption based solely on my experience that people tend to onow what the acronym means but not much else.

And there's a trust issue in play. I've had to cancel plans at the last minute a few times now, just because I've been too overwhelmed, but when I've later tried to explain why I've had to do that, and how hard it is, he tells me (with a freakish amount of patience that I'm really not used to), "It's okay, take your time, look after yourself, we can take this as slow as you need..."

And when I think about it, it occurs to me that maybe I'm trying to freak him out. Maybe I just don't trust him (why would I? I don't trust people, that's how I roll) that he means what he says and I'm kind of expecting him to run for the hills and...Quick! Sabotage it before it gets too unsafe!!

Bleh! Then I start thinking that it's really his decision, I've told him I have ptsd, he's been warned, and if he wants to try anyway that's his decision.

And then I just start clouding over and wanting to shut down. I don't know what I need, I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I don't want to hurt him unnecessarily, but I like him. He's so incredibly respectful of me and the boundaries that I've set so far. And I kind of don't want to walk away without giving it a try because honestly, what are the friggin odds that you meet a nice person that you actually like when you're a complete hermit!? Bleh!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ragdoll Circus Thanks for filling in more info.... I understand that you're cautious. I hear that loud and clear. I think that you are overthinking everything here and freaking yourself out. How about trying to NOT do that and just go with the flow???? Do you think it's possible???

 

[Sideways]

@She Cat - the flow!?:confused::tdown::bag: Very few things about any relationships (friends, family, therapists) "flow" for me! It's always a whole lotta hard work trying to keep a lid on the panic and look out for getting overwhelmed at the same time.

I have been trying to remind myself, "This is good, it's going well", but I flip out pretty easily because, well you know - people can be monsters if you give them enough of a chance.

I am gonna put my hand up and admit that I am a pathological over-thinkerer (new word). I don't much know how to operate any other way.

Quite possibly this is just me being scared shitless, and if that's the case? Bring it. I've been through hell, how bad could this possibly get!?