What do you call this?

[mylunareclipse]

What would you call this?

My day:
Morning; life sucks. Do I have to shower? Fine I will. Maybe even put make up on.
Afternoon: oh I feel so light. I love this music. I am connecting easily to some people and being fun.
Later afternoon: triggering coworker shows up. Says something in passing to someone else, I don't even exactly remember. Heart starts beating too fast. I just want to hide in the corner. I don't belong here. I should just go away. I can barely breathe. Too much anxiety. Tears in my eyes. I am a failure. I should just die.
Evening: no more anxiety. Still feel like a burden. Wish I could die one of these days. No one will ever understand. Drink a beer. Forget everything.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Sounds like a familiar place for me in my past. Right now I am not experiencing that much discomfort but for me I was hardly making it through my days and drinking a beer at night.(or more) sorry to hear you are having such a challenging time- no doubt it is really hard. Are you working with a therapist?

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you crying.inside.

I am working with a therapist. We have been working together for almost two years.

I have been doing a lot better overall. This used to be every night for me. And much worse mood wise. Crying. Suicide attempts etc. now instead I just have these weird moods or triggers. So I just suffer in silence and don't tell anyone. I don't think anyone would understand. I just don't know what I would call this? Depression? Anxiety? PTSD? Borderline? I am just tired.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Well put. I have no idea what to call it either. That was important to me but I couldn't bring myself to ask my T.

I think she has shared with me her thinking. I have denied being depressed - (even though I am on an antidepressant). From time to time my T will referred to some of my behavior as being depressed because of xx. She will also point out that my anxiety is explainable and understandable because of other factors. My T has given me grounding excercises for PTSD and references my disassociation during difficult topics. Maybe your T also gives you clues.

When I stop fooling myself. I think when I don't want to get going- don't want to shower or don't care enough to make up myself - it is depression talking.

When I am triggered by something in my day or someone - it is a flashback reminding me I have to pay attention to my past so I can move on.

When it keeps coming up and interfering with how I function I think that is my PTSD.

When I want to hide and run away and feel like a failure it is because I am avoiding something and I am afraid and that is my anxiety at it's finest.

When I try to escape whether it be a suicidal thought or drinking beer, I am trying numb away my pain.

What I am realizing is that while this is a really hard day everything changes and if we can get through the episode and we always have then we can move in a direction to heal ourselves.

I can't say what you would call your experiences but I can really relate.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much for your response. Just having a tough nigh I guessed crying and all. And adding more alcohol. It's so lonely to feel in such an abnormal way.

It gives me a little comfort to know I'm not alone.

I have tried discussing with my therapist about what to call all of these, but she seems more focused on making me feel better than focusing on diagnosis. We have discussed depression and triggers, but sometimes I really wish I knew what is wrong with me. I often have body memories of things I have repressed as well. Sometimes I think I a being triggered to emotional states I don't remember.

Hope things will continue getting better for you as well. Thank you for your support.

 

[NewBeginnings]

Thank you so much for your response. Just having a tough nigh I guessed crying and all. And addin...

You are not alone! There is a lot of support here and sometimes the more hurt we are the more important it is to post and connect and realize we have experienced tough stuff and we can be strong.

The diagnosis is important for billing and insurance companies but our underlying experiences for what is happening is different. Therefore how we resolve it will likely be different.

 

[mylunareclipse]

It helps to post here. Thank you again.

 

[Twilight]

Your emotions just sound like they are very labile. This is true for me when I am in a crisis of some type, and/or being triggered. Labile just means that they are all over the map. Happy one minute, then feeling defeated the next. Are you stressed more than usual? That is a trigger for me. Its not really a diagnosis, but can be described as "labile emotions" I think.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for you answer Overcomer. Yes, I am in a more stressed time than usual. I tend to compartamentalize my feelings and life a lot, which might also explain why my mood is as you said labile.