What do you do with jokers and degraders?

[ladee]

When I suggested you ask him when he is being nice, and it's just the two of you, you also have the opportunity to let him know how him picking on you makes you feel and would he please stop.... you don't KNOW that he won't listen... you can't get away from him, but that doesn't mean he won't hear you if you speak to him like a grown woman setting a boundary....

You haven't tried talking to him adult to adult... I have a feeling he is insecure and anxious and overcompensates with silliness... he just sounds nervous.... maybe if he had a friend, or at least someone who approached him like an adult... you never know... and since compassion is the what we show those we don't understand.... even if he doesn't quit.... there is something he is nervous about.... he might not quit.... but you can tell him to.... or ask, what ever feels comfortable.

 

[Friday]

Tell him to knock it off the next time he does this in front of others and then disconnect from him and avoid him

^^^
This.

cannot disconnect from him. There is no getting away from him. We take the same bus, we live in the same building, we go to the same Senior Center, disconnecting from someone who is uncontrollable is impossible. He will continue to do what he does, I think, no matter what I do!

Black & White thinking, hon. There are a whole host of different ways to do each these things, which will work to different degrees. It's not impossible.

Brainstorm out possibilities from the "I would never" to "Okay, that's actually pretty reasonable," to "Pie in the sky."

Ex)

Kill him.
Take a different bus.
Become best friends.

That middle route? May seem pointless when locked in black and white thinking. But it actually gives you a whole lot of different options. Once you start adding those options together? You end up with a solution that actually works for you. You're (probably) not going to kill him or become best friends, but you can certainly take a different bus, change rooms, not talk to him when you run across him in your building, etc. With 100 different ways to disconnect & avoid him? You'll almost always have the upper hand // it won't matter one iota if he's there or not. Because you don't have to deal with him. If you've not done that before? It will probably be difficult/challenging. It's a worthwhile skill to learn, though. :)

 

[Nessa7]

A favorite tactic of mine is to be too busy to deal with their nonsense. I'd conveniently have some phone calls to make while on the bus. Headphones are also great. If you don't have any kind of device that you can use to listen to music or audiobooks, they are getting to be pretty inexpensive. A lot of libraries have a selection of digital audiobooks that you can check out, and many larger libraries also allow seniors from outside their service area to sign up to access their digital collections for free or for a very small fee. He probably will try to get your attention the first few times, so you will need to stick with it for a little while until he accepts that you are not going to give him attention.

I would not be friendly towards him when he is being pleasant. If he had any respect for you, he would treat you the same no matter who he is with.

 

[Changing4Best]

Kill him.
Take a different bus.
Become best friends.

I wish I could take a different bus. However, there is no other bus to take, since we live way out in the country and buses go door to door, and there is only ONE bus that goes to the Senior Center each day. Also, since I work at the Senior Center, I cannot chose NOT to go there.

Killing him is complicated (LOL) and not my cup of tea!

Becoming best friends has potential. I am already friendly with him, but it is an under pressure type of friendship, where I am at best thought of by him as probably less than a friend and equally someone who is an easy target since I am so available to him.

I'm starting my new job at the Senior Center this morning though, so that will take me away from the table he sits at and focus my attention elsewhere. I will only have to deal with him while waiting for the bus and riding the bus now, not so much at the Senior Center any more (I hope and pray!!)!

A favorite tactic of mine is to be too busy to deal with their nonsense. I'd conveniently have some pho...

I like those ideas, but I am low on funds right now, what with all that is happening in Washington and not knowing what "domestic programs" I depend upon are to be cut or abolished altogether. None the less, maybe there might be something at a Thrift Store I could afford. I will look into it, thanks.

I did think of one other important factor in all of this. My father was a joker and degrader sometimes. He often told off color jokes and said degrading things about some people he didn't like.

One time, he had me learn a little song he had picked up in the Navy:

"Oh! They don't wear pants
on the southern side of France,
and they do the hoochie coochie,
and they do the hoochie coochie..."

And when I was about 6 years old, he had me sing it to my mother!

He also used to often mention the strip tease places he would frequent when he was on Libs from the Navy. I suppose at a too young age I was taught to put up with all this kind of deranged thinking.

 

[CT_Girl]

This person sounds extremely rude, I would ignore him as much as possible. Even when he is being nice to you, I would not try to be friends with him. If he asks why you are avoiding him, maybe make up some excuses like "I have a lot on my plate right now", "I'm not feeling good", "I have a headache", "I'm busy today" etc.

 

[Deleted member 541]

He sounds like that kid in school that would sit behind you and pull on your braids, and call you names. Is there any chance that he likes you, but doesn't know how to act? He sounds childish in many ways.

 

[Changing4Best]

He knows now that I have a boyfriend, but he did make a kind of pass at me before he found out that I do, so yes, he likes me. He may be frustrated that I am with another man even, I don't know. I'm not the only one that he mistreats though, he is rude to others and even prides himself on being so! He wears a shirt that says "BEST OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR" and tells everyone it should read "PERSON" instead of "PLAYER."

He is hard to ignore, and he brings out the worst in me! I said a few things I should not have today in response to his jokes and things. The words just slip out of my mouth before I have a chance to censor them! I feel like I am acting like I would have 20 or even 40 years ago, in response to his wisecracks. I thought I had outgrown all that, but I guess I haven't. SIGH.....

 

[Justmehere]

I'd suggest writing him a letter and telling his actions in front of others are unacceptable and hurtful. You could then notify him that as long as he continues to publically humiliate you, you will not engage with him one on one or around others in any way.

Until his behavior changes, don't accept his newspapers or attempts at small talk. Cut off the relational connection. Reward him for treating you kindly in front of others.

And don't let him see that he gets a rise out of you. Act SO BORED with his nonsense, even if you don't feel that way. He's acting like a childish bully. A troll. They feed off people's reactions.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You know what I have been doing to my own father & step mom? I ignore them and don't talk back to them. They end up talking to themselves for a minute and when they don't get the rise they are after they stop. Its hard. SUPER hard. Especially since I don't have the emotional regulation skills down pat yet or even a little bit. But I will, without fail, sit there all nice and quiet and will, sometimes say "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. What was that again?" But I only do that to not hurt their feelings too much. Even if my step mom knows I heard her, me not reacting makes her stop reacting sooo much faster. The minute I react we sort or snowball each other. Yes, her stopping since she starts her shit would be ideal but I can't control her. Only my reaction to her. So though I am not advocating to "grin and bear" it, I am advocating to learn how to not allow what others do to put you in a bad mood. Though I am SUPER suprised I see this now, you can indeed not allow what people do or say to affect how you react or respond. You do indeed control that.

So though its super hard, thats my advice.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well! He behaved himself today, thankfully. Also, no one wanted to sit with him at lunch time at all. So the Senior Center Director sat with him, but he did say loudly enough to everyone that he was used to being treated like that (that no one would want to sit with him) back up north where he came from a few months ago. I'm not surprised! Nobody wants to be treated the way he treats people. I was surprised that he behaved himself today, but then maybe he might have gotten "the message." Probably not though, SIGH....

 

[Changing4Best]

He wasn't as "good" today as he was yesterday, and I find it really hard to ignore him, though I have been trying. His jokes and barbs were not as far off the mark today as they have been in the past, but I also noticed him widening his circle of just WHO he picks on, because he picked on someone today that he has not picked on before, and I am a bit surprised that her boyfriend did not come to her rescue, as he is normally very protective of her. The boyfriend ignored the off-color comment. Maybe he is taking the advice many of you have given me here, even though I am finding it hard to do. I was even annoyed at what he said to my friends, not to mention the stupid things he said to me.

Is there such a thing as being too sensitive? Because if there is, I probably am!

 

[The Albatross]

Maybe a heightened awareness of the risk he represents. His declaration the other day would indicate that it' not really likely to be sensitivity but more a consensus.