What Happens When We Stand Up For Ourselves

[heather q]

I am just discovering that I have a right to stand up for myself, I have been told that, I've heard that it's a self esteem issue and go read up about it.

The cruxt of the matter is that I do not have that inner core belief that gives me the right to a life of my own. I understand the words but there is no meaning that follows.

I know I do have rights, it's that I cannot relate to 'what that means.' I think it got blown out of my thinking process when I was young and I'm having a difficult time understanding it, if it's not in my belief system then how can I protect myself. It's difficult to stand up against anything when you don't believe in yourself.

When I stand up for myself I feel alienated and wrong, even if it was the correct thing to do, but I can't tell if it's correct or not, it's as if I have no reference point to work from. I believe when I stand up for myself I dissociate and I'm cut-off from the gains that I could have made.

Heather

 

[fin]

Hey heather...
I so really want to go for this heather, so I am really going to try to chill on this because I know I can go off on one - sorry!

I am just discovering that I have a right to stand up for myself, I have been told that, I've heard that it's a self esteem issue and go read up about it.

OK...here's the thing ok.?..who told you... you have rights?

ok not so scarey.. .And so again, I am going to ask you: Who told you; you have rights?

And... Who told you about self esteem?




And I am going to say to you...I understand completely where you are coming from on this point that I am quoting of yours here;

The cruxt of the matter is that I do not have that inner core belief that gives me the right to a life of my own. I understand the words but there is no meaning that follows.

OK so coupled with the other two questions, I am again going to say something in relation to what you have written next:

I know I do have rights,

and that is; How do you know?...ok?




Take this easy heather...I am not asking you to go look anything up in a book ok..I am just very simply asking you to explain to me where you may have got these beliefs from....or sorry, your beliefs from...ok

Think about it...I will be really interested to read what you write here. There are no right or wrong answers and it doesn't need to become really complicated ok....trying to keep it simple ok...

(and that wasn't meant to sound patronising either ok--sorry if it might have come across that way)


Think really carefully and just write it out here...and I don't think I will be the only one that will be interested in your answer either, if you can maybe try to do this...maybe some things will become clearer for you..ok

But please try ok....you might find it very worth doing...so please maybe give it a go -yes?

(and if it helps..but only if you want to...you can go and read anything you want...I just dont think you will need to -ok?)


your friend
~fin

I hope this does help and doesn't seem like I am pushing you ok, there is no right or wrong answer here , just what you believe and what you know and how you came by this information-I'm curious...sorry but ok...?
*smile

WOW!!! I really hope you are ok with this...it isn't meant to offend you -I promise.

 

[teejaye]

You know that saying, "If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for anything"? Or, "Act like a doormat and you'll get walked on"? I've heard those a lot.
Sometimes a good start is to concentrate on people who nourish you and make you feel strong and cut out completely those people who deplete you and cut down your self-esteem.
Easier said than done, I know!

 

[heather q]

"If you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for anything"? Or, "Act like a doormat and you'll get walked on

No comment.

 

[heather q]

sound patronising ~fin

no comment

 

[fin]

no comment huh??...you take 2 words out of a sentence...MY sentence and add "no comment"...humph!!

hey I promise you- I am soo not patronising you...I hope, I really hope you can believe me on that...ok?

~me, fin

 

[Tinyflame]

...I do not have that inner core belief that gives me the right to a life of my own. ...I know I do have rights, it's that I cannot relate to 'what that means.' I think it got blown out of my thinking process when I was young and I'm having a difficult time understanding it, if it's not in my belief system then how can I protect myself. It's difficult to stand up against anything when you don't believe in yourself.

When I stand up for myself I feel alienated and wrong, even if it was the correct thing to do, but I can't tell if it's correct or not, it's as if I have no reference point to work from. I believe when I stand up for myself I dissociate and I'm cut-off from the gains that I could have made.

Dear Heather, -you could be me. I think that as you said, "if it's not in (my) belief system then how can I protect myself"? I think that this may have much to do with the core. If we have been conditioned to accept (or are familiar and therefore "comfortable" with) accepting behaviour/ treatment that we otherwise shouldn't, it will seem foreign to stand up for ourselves.

-And not just a right "to" a life, I think, but a right to a life of our own choosing. I think I am realizing that because I have lost energy to keep up masks and to be someone I'm not, especially if it makes me depressed or leaves me totally exhausted.

I have had the same difficulty but because I have always found it easier to stand up for others, I am trying to think "what would/ "should" I feel like, if this were about someone else", and use that as my reference point.
Lately (and I SURE hope this is progress) I am trying to admit to myself what I need to live (to avoid toxic people and situations, recognize my triggers, to "try hard" but also admit and accept my limitations- and that those limitations may fluctuate on a daily basis, even within the day, perhaps.)

I know it is very difficult, but I, too, have to do a lot of work on self-esteem and self-worth issues. Also I think sometimes I am so worried that I am "causing extra problems because of the way I view things or react with PTSD", I don't feel entitled to "ask for/ expect" more, but this isn't accurate or healthy, I don't think. I think I throw the baby out with the bath water (-yikes-)

Hope this helps a bit and good luck. I think it gets easier the more you (we) practise it.

 

[fin]

. It's difficult to stand up against anything when you don't believe in yourself.

I absolutely, totally get where you are coming from here...I really do...more than you may know or even believe.

Yes...right now....this first part of your sentence I am totally relating to;

. When I stand up for myself I feel alienated and wrong, even if it was the correct thing to do, but I can't tell if it's correct or not, it's as if I have no reference point to work from.

and also this second part here.


You have helped me enormously with your "no comment" bits. And I am not being sarcastic or patronising ..I promise...YOU.

I am honestly sincere...and this is NO WORD of a lie I promise. And I am really relating to this thread of yours. It is one the hardest things in the world to do ...if you don't know how to do it, and maybe fear creeps in and wrecks any trust or confidence in anyone or anything.

Please try to trust yourself now on this....you know where these things are coming from. I know you do. Please, please know this ...you are not alone in any of this heather...please believe that. PLease...

~fin

I hope this helps also, it does get easier it really does...it just feels really hard to keep trying and working through ...I know...I promise you I understand. I can only give you my word here, I can't make you believe me....ok

 

[heather q]

alienated and wrong

This felt like a mistake but was not a mistake afterall. But I have to wonder what it was I wrote that brought all that on. Talk about stepping in your own mess.

All I was asking for was back and forth communication, not sets of instructions.
Be that as it may, these are the questions I would ask myself because clearly this task is quite large, and the only way I get to sort it out is to break it down once the dissociation has drifted off into never never land and then change the questions into statements, or facts as appropriate.

So how did that happen, questions are answered

How do I recover, write it out, think it out.

What happened, I had expectations and the results were different from what I thought I wanted.

What in the past is this like, being told what to do.

Control issues, being told what to do.

This is a good thing there is more to learn.

The learning curve is a bit harsher than I wanted or expected.

It's inconvenient right now, it's late and I've had a full day.

It is just what it is and nothing more

Fear that this is not a safe place, probably ok, have to see

Fear that I gave away too much information earlier, probably, will see doesn't feel safe

Fear that it will be used against me, probably not

Guilt that I've contributed to the problem rather than the solution

Grateful that people are still communication despite that I wrote No Comment

Glad that I had the guts to stick through it and write No Comment

Now my physical reactions are returning to normal

And I'm just tired, but over the hurdle of beginning to have a core belief that I am worthy of choosing to exist and have a right to react how I react without dissociating no matter who says what.
Thanks everybody, :occasion:
Heather

 

[Tinyflame]

Heather- if you don't mind I'm keeping your "list" you just wrote to go over next time after I stand up for myself or ask for help. Know you wrote that for "now" for you, but wow, I can really use that!

Thank you! :smile:

 

[fin]

Junebug; I am too.

Heather, this is a cool "list"...you done good girl. Well done.

It does get better I promise you. It is a lot of hard work and it can get to feeling really bad sometimes, but it works, I really believe it works. You have written that you have had a long day...maybe sleep now perhaps might feel good. I have thrown my sleep out tonight..with the bathwater Junebug!! hah!! But I am sure going to be getting some here after my meeting, this afternoon now....yikes its 20 to 6 in the morning here??? *oops

Night guys...And Thankyou Heather, it does get better...

~fin

 

[heather q]

List--stand up for myself or ask for help---wow, I can really use that! Thank you! :smile:

This is how I do this stuff, I normally go through it in my mind, or talk into the tape recorder so that I can feed it back, I just happened to be on the laptop so I wrote it. It always works for me because there is a set pattern, I can always rely on it, after dissociation of course, got to allow that to happen or it will fight me and get worse. That is the way it is.

I've got to get some sleep, thanks for your input, I'll re-read it tomorrow,
:smile: the happy faces are back, they were missing earlier, when I needed a sad face, but that is another story.
good night all,
Heather