What Helps You When You're Experiencing An Episode?

[Hojay]

Hi all,
I'm a supporter and mostly mingle in the supporter section of the forum. However, if you'll allow me, I'd like to pose a question to those of you who suffer from PTSD, perhaps also CPTSD.

My boyfriend experienced childhood sexual abuse by a family member for a prolonged period of time. I am the first person he has ever told, and when he did, he immediately sought treatment, wanting to tackle his symptoms head on. Since then, however, his symptoms have gotten progressively worse. Where before he "just" felt anxious and depressed, he now has very intense flashbacks, along with what I believe are body memories during which he physically relives some of the trauma. He has now even started seeing/feeling his abuser in the room with him (What could you call this? Paranoid hallucinations?) This has been the status quo, every day, for about two months now...

He says that in those moments he needs everything he has to get those images and thoughts out of his head. However, he doesn't hang up the skype call (we're long distance at the moment,) or leave the room, he goes through the entire physical experience while I'm there. What can I say, what can I do if he doesn't outright hang up, and he doesn't go along with my attempts at ending the conversation so he can focus, I'm inclined to believe there is maybe something I can do or say to get him back into the present. I tell him to breathe and breathe with him, I call his attention to his feet on the ground and his butt on the chair. I tell him it's not his fault and that what is going on in his head is very real, it happened, but it isn't happening right now. I've also tried just being silent, sitting there, thinking he just needs company (even if it's via skype,) but it just goes on and on. (Hitting himself, choking, the works.) Not much of the things I've tried seem to penetrate (though the breathing did a while back, not so much anymore.) It's easier when we're actually physically together - it helps him if I just sit there, put a hand on his arm, and do nothing. But on the phone it's a bit hard to find a way.

I'm not in this to cure or fix him, but I do wonder if there's something I could do that could make some sort of difference.

Maybe you wonderful, brave people could help a co-sufferer's girlfriend out with some of your experience?

 

[shimmerz]

He has now even started seeing/feeling his abuser in the room with him

This used to happen to me as well. I wouldn't call them anything but utter hell.

He says that in those moments he needs everything he has to get those images and thoughts out of his head.

The word he is looking for, I think, is grounding. He needs grounding.

he doesn't go along with my attempts at ending the conversation so he can focus,

He may well get lost more into the experience, which may be why he doesn't want to hang up. He may need to on some level to keep him grounded. An anchor, so to speak.

I tell him to breathe and breathe with him,

There was a time with me that breathing actually made the flashbacks worse. I am not certain this is what is happening with him, but for me it was very real.

but I do wonder if there's something I could do that could make some sort of difference.

A few thoughts. When you are on skype with him, maybe encourage him to have ice cubes nearby. I also used hot and sour candies to pop in my mouth to bring me back into my body. That will help with the somatic stuff.

Next step is getting his higher brain functioning back. Perhaps ask him his address, what his name is, what his age is.

Also, what helped me was, when I was well (not flashing) a few friends would learn how to shift my emotions. To laughter. It worked. It was just a bit challenging to learn what made me laugh. One friend would ask me what the the value of pi was (I could never remember when I was flashing and someone that cracked me up). Another called me a slug one time (I completely freeze) and for some reason it got me pissed off the first time he said it. I came out punching (in a fun way) at the nerve of him to call me that. Ever since then, when he calls me a slug it immediately has me shift gears. Switching emotion is the quickest and easiest way to get someone out - like I say it is a bit of work digging for what can be used in both states.

Not sure if this makes sense or helps at all.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you so much for this shimmerz! This is all very very helpful - the ice cube trick and/or other somatic shifts is a great idea. I'll recommend he have that at hand the next time we speak.

I've actually tried shifting the conversation, making him laugh. I tried it today actually, because I was at such a loss. He picked up the call and I saw he was sitting in complete darkness. So I said "when were you going to mention you're actually a bat? I've been wondering about your sleeping habits. Do you hang from the walls?" This is something he'd have seriously laughed about before, but he just looked at me like he thought I could actually be serious. I guess irony is out the door too. I've become careful trying to shift the mood because he has issues with feeling not believed, dismissed, or misunderstood, so I don't want to run the risk of him thinking I'm ridiculing him. I'll test the waters again though...all such great advice!

Body memories and hallucinations must be hell on earth. I've actually been worried that he's showing signs of slipping into psychosis, but maybe they are common symptoms of PTSD?

 

[Hojay]

I don't know how I just posted three times - apologies - I can't find a way to delete them!

 

[shimmerz]

"when were you going to mention you're actually a bat?

Try if you can to keep it really simple. Remember he is working with his primitive brain and you are trying to ease him up to his higher brain. Most times that humour worked with me it was when the 'joke' had been planted when I was in full fledged higher brain mode, prior to a flashback. Address and name and phone number stuff really works actually (as long as these things don't trigger him)

I am not certain if psychosis is a word I would use for processing memories. I never have acknowledged for myself that it is psychotic because it would scare the shit out of me. I like to have a more positive outlook on things.

Careful of the candies. You don't want him to choke on them. Maybe sucking a lemon? (Serious).

 

[shimmerz]

Oh, I reported your duplicate post. Happens to the best of us. Admins will take care of it.

 

[Poofycat]

Has he worked with his therapist on developing grounding techniques? I have a couple that I developed with my therapist and I've given my husband directions on what to do or say when I have an episode. For example, one of the most effective grounding techniques for me is the hand one (probably has a name, but I don't know it). I've assigned a specific example of each of the five sense to the fingers on my left hand (the smell of my favorite perfume to my thumb, the site of tall trees to my second finger, the taste of chocolate to the next finger, and so on). So when I go down the rabbit whole my husband will direct me to look at my hand, then ask me to name the thing assigned to each finger out loud. It usually brings me back fairly quickly, at least to the point where I can recognize where and when I am.

The hard part here is that I had to be comfortable enough to explain the exercise to him. I felt really crazy explaining to him what I needed him to do and how and why it worked. Like, who asks their SO to do this type of thing? So he might be reluctant to tell you what he needs or wants you to do in these situations because it might trigger feelings of shame and helplessness. Maybe start a conversation with him about grounding techniques, ask him what works, and go from there. He might feel more comfortable giving you instructions in writing rather than explaining face to face.

 

[Hojay]

I agree, my bat joke was probably a bit too complicated for him at the moment. I'm sure I'll find something simpler and easier that he can comprehend. I'll definitely test it out! I didn't mean to imply anything sinister with the word psychotic - really they're all just highly prejudicial clinical terms, no? His hallucinations are a new and quite concerning symptom, and I just hope they don't escalate further. If they are a common symptom of PTSD (in some shape or form,) I'm less concerned that it could lead to something even more out of control, so it's just good to know he's not alone there.

The only thing that concerns me with these grounding techniques is that he's got it in his mind that the only thing he should be doing when it happens is "fight" his abuser, and not let him "get him." He can't have any distractions or "he will get him." Sometimes he's said just talking is not possible for him, because he can't at the same time focus on talking and "fighting" his abuser.

I obviously don't know top from bottom when it comes to managing these flashbacks, plus, I'm not a therapist, but I have a feeling that it's actually not very helpful for him to treat the abuse like it's actually happening this moment and doing what he thinks he needs to do to stop the abuse. It seems more effective to try and ground in reality and see that it's not actually happening in the moment - as your grounding techniques imply.

This is obviously something a therapist needs to make clear to him, not me. Yes, @Poofycat (love your name,) he's worked with a therapist on grounding techniques. Mostly breathing and tension/release exercises. He's now on a break from therapy for work (terrible timing,) and I feel like the techniques are losing their effect.

I love the "hand thing"! I could see how it's very helpful. At this point, however, I'd think he'd just get very irritated with me for trying to distract him from the abuse.

All great advice though! Bless this forum...

 

[Hojay]

well, you guys are the flashback whisperers. I just manages to calm him down by asking him the most random questions, from his birthday to his first trip to the US - it worked! Even he was suprised. Thank you!! Let's hope this sticks for the future....

 

[Gs172003]

I agree, my bat joke was probably a bit too complicated for him at the moment. I'm sure I'll find somethi...

Maybe try singing him a goofy song? And for me strong tasting things help but I don't have as many symptoms as he does (though I have started feeling my ex in the room or behind me lately)

 

[Gs172003]

well, you guys are the flashback whisperers. I just manages to calm him down by asking him the most rando...

Just saw this...so glad that it worked!!