First, I have to say that while my therapy has been effective it also has been disturbing, on many levels. It has forced me to examine my childhood and to explore a long series of traumas that unknown to me shaped my life.
So based on what I have learned, here are some of the effects and distortions I have lived with. My goal is to learn how to deal with them to the best of my ability so I can move forward although that seems almost impossible
Throughout my childhood I never told anyone about my struggles or asked for help, which was desperately needed. I was making decisions that as a child I was totally ill equipped to handle
My next task is to learn how to deal with all this new knowledge and awareness. At the same time, I am desperately holding on with my fingernails as I explore.
Example – My wife and I visited our daughter and grandkids this past weekend. My daughter had found an old photo album of my dads in her storage and we all flipped through. My wife began crying at seeing me as a little boy and teenager (she is aware of my situation the kids are not). She was grieving for the little boy in the pictures, something I am unable to do. Seeing her cry literally tore me apart and I had to excuse myself and leave the room before I broke down. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was so bad and as usual I shut it down before it escaped. I do not know how to handle emotion and maybe never will.
So based on what I have learned, here are some of the effects and distortions I have lived with. My goal is to learn how to deal with them to the best of my ability so I can move forward although that seems almost impossible
- I blame myself for the traumas from my CSA at 10 to my heavy drug use from 13-19 to my lack of effort or success in school and never attending college
- I am unable to grieve or cry, I will not let myself. Having protected myself from emotional pain for 50 years it is hard to let it in
- I disassociate from memories of traumatic events
- I carry deep scars caused by these traumas but having disassociated all my life I have never addressed them
- I am very hard on myself for anything I do that does not turnout the way I expected
- I have created a compartmentalized life with things bottled up and forgotten
- I have lived my life with the expectation that it will end, soon. As a child I full expected to be dead by 20
- I have taken most of my anger and turned it inward
Throughout my childhood I never told anyone about my struggles or asked for help, which was desperately needed. I was making decisions that as a child I was totally ill equipped to handle
My next task is to learn how to deal with all this new knowledge and awareness. At the same time, I am desperately holding on with my fingernails as I explore.
Example – My wife and I visited our daughter and grandkids this past weekend. My daughter had found an old photo album of my dads in her storage and we all flipped through. My wife began crying at seeing me as a little boy and teenager (she is aware of my situation the kids are not). She was grieving for the little boy in the pictures, something I am unable to do. Seeing her cry literally tore me apart and I had to excuse myself and leave the room before I broke down. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was so bad and as usual I shut it down before it escaped. I do not know how to handle emotion and maybe never will.