General What I Learned Today - I Finally Understood Some PTSD Behavior

[Nicolette]

My son, god love him, has been a right pain with stuffing up appointments and loosing his wallet all with a "don't give a sh*t type of attitude" but then wants me to fix everything for him. He is a typical 18 year old and a good kid compared to most I know.

Unfortunately it has been one thing after another after another to the point my stress levels have gone beyond me being able to feel like I can cope. He, despite me expressing my concerns for my health to him from stress (as my levels are already high due to work pressures), just plods on and doesn't really care.

Today I think I came close to understanding why a PTSD Sufferer takes off and isolates from their loved ones as I just don't want to deal with my son as I can only associate him with overloading my stress levels. Admittedly he is not the main cause of my stress but in PTSD terms he is "overloading my cup". He has now gone to a friend's place for dinner and I feel such relief as I couldn't even stand being in the room with him for fear of him adding to my stress.

This has been a very insightful experience for me as all the things I have read that some Sufferers have done to Carers now makes more sense to me now. Not right, and I still love my son to bits, but I get it....the stress overload and the getting away. Those "I love you but can't be with you" statements now have a slightly different meaning for me after today.

 

[amethist]

Teenagers in a normal world are hard work Nicolette, but throw in ptsd on top and volcanic eruption imminent.

I can understand how it impacts on your stress levels, thank goodness I don't have to deal with any of that on top of my husband. It is my poor grandchildren who loose out though, If I have had a rough time dealing with hubby's ptsd issues, then I cannot cope with the added stress of 2 small children, good and sweet as they are, I just can't do it.

It's not that they don't care at that age Nicolette, just the teenage vaccum that they live in. When he gets older, you may find him coming back and saying "Sorry mum, I understand now why you did that and why you said that". My 2 girls have done it a few times, so most of what I did and said did sink in eventually.

Hang in there, it will ge easier with him, eventually. You could always make him fix a mistake, see how he reacts to that, might help him see what you do for him. Like ptsd issues, his mess he fixes it.


:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:


Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Well I just carried through a threat...all his dirty clothes and rubbish on the floor are in garbage bags outside his door....will go in the bin if not sorted when he gets home. I also left him at the train station to sort out his lost pass including making him get the bus home as I wasn't taking him in the car with me. Enough! I told him the rest of his lost items was his problem and my help finished there and then....argh!

Thanks for the hugs Amethist :Hug_emoticon:

 

[amethist]

I will not describe how my daughter's bedroom looked. In the end door was closed and she was told if clothes not in wash basket they don't get washed. It came to a head when she needed something one day and found it under her bed, humming.

That was just one issue, would terrify you about the mugs found.

It is hard to stick to your guns sometimes, but you have to, it is the only way to make them see you are not a slave to them.

You could always charge him Hotel fee's, I did threaten both my girls with that one. They soon got their act together when I told them how much it would cost them each week. Scared the life out of them, but it worked. As well as telling them that I would stay home and do all for them. BUT we would have to sell up and move to a crappy area and rent a shed, they moved up another gear then. Not top gear, but moved up and started moving.

Just telling you this, so you know you are not alone at all with this. There are ways and means to get then to take notice, some nice some tough.

Amethist.

 

[Marlene]

My oldest daughter's actions and attitudes can and do trigger me. We've had a much better relationship for the past two years since she moved out. It sounds terrible, I know...but it's so true. I've also had to teach her that all of her dramas (self-induced!) and all of her friend's dramas are not my business, I don't need to know them and stop telling me. It's much less stress for me this way.

As they grow up and understand the, GASP!!!!, the world does NOT revolve around them, they do get easier to live with and around. If you think he can handle it, tell him the truth. Tell him that your stress levels go way down when he's not home. That you love him, but his actions, attitude and mouth are just too much to handle some days. Complete honestly might get you a better response than you expect.

Lisa

 

[anni]

The thing that will make the top of your head pop off is that 10 years down the road, his own place is going to be as neat as a pin! My son and his muck heap moved out after college ( and all the same fights and show-downs which you've described ) while I did breathe a huge sigh of relief. You really will find all your wonderful parenting sunk in somewhere along the line. When you're invited for dinner some Sunday you'll be served on mostly-clean plates in a tidy apartment with a made-up bed which wouldn't shame Mary Poppins. He tells me he even can generally find his wallet within 15 minutes or so these days and almost never walks to work for lack of car keys.

It's awfully hard, I know, but boy do I have respect for your efforts. They'll pay off for both of you, too, in the end.

Breathe, and take care Mom,

Anni

 

[Deleted member 541]

I know it's your house and your rules...He has a choice, your way or the highway!!!!!! I hated the messes, the clothes, the crap when my daughter lived at home. I just didn't tolerate it. I have to tell you though, I see homes today, where there are kids, and their rooms look like an atomic bomb went off in them.....

I honestly don't know how they tell the difference between the clean or dirty clothes, or why their rooms aren't full of bugs from all of the half eaten things, half empty glasses of whatevers, and the garbage over flowing.

I am so glad that those days are over!!!!! You have my empathy, sympathy, and condolences!!!!!! I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for love nor money!!!!!!

 

[Cin]

Well I just carried through a threat...all his dirty clothes and rubbish on the floor are in garbage bags outside his door....will go in the bin if not sorted when he gets home. I also left him at the train station to sort out his lost pass including making him get the bus home as I wasn't taking him in the car with me. Enough! I told him the rest of his lost items was his problem and my help finished there and then....argh!

Thanks for the hugs Amethist :Hug_emoticon:

Has the guilt kicked in yet? I did the whole in the garbage thing with my kids toys after threatening it. That was the easy bit, I then found myself feeling bloody guilty! Whatever you do, stick to your guns. I knew once I had made the threat that I couldn't back down.

As much as we love our kids, they can be so selfish, especially teenagers.

Good luck!

 

[anni]

Nicolette,

I wanted to share something my ex-messy 18 year old teenage did for me yesterday. He's 30 now. We went through some tough times, and he blamed me for an awful lot of things in his life for a long time. Some of it was justified, but I'd done the whole tough love thing on the end because boy was he getting out of hand. It ruptured things further for awhile and then he slowly just seemed to grow up.

I don't know how he even heard about it because I haven't been in touch with anyone but I've been rather a mess the last day or so. It's just been a PTSD carnival ride. I got a text from him yesterday evening that just said 'Love you Mom! Call me if I can help!'. Whew. It was awfully nice.

I was just looking at old posts, and thought I'd add this, in case you were also looking.

Take care,

Anni