What I Want

[keifer]

Yesterday and today I notices I my thumb shakes when I'm having anger and typing on a tablet.

I want to feel in control, centered and aware, safe.

Safe is a new word. I hadn't thought of it before. Yeah, I want to feel free and safe. Not ready to kill and just relax.
When I went to yoga, I was scared. I knew where the door was but I'd kill first. Why did I care where the door was?

 

[Seasounds]

It seems like the discovery of "safe" means that you are finding a new experience, inside. How very wonderful.
Easy to stay when you have what you need. Congrats!

 

[arfie]

I know I need to know where every exit is for the quick escape. To this day I check them reflexively. I am up at this hour for one of my nightly perimeter checks. Found the major threat of dog poop and am having a bit of trouble getting back to sleep. Dog survived. Was even proud of myself for the calm with which I handled it. So is the bitch. She is calmly in her kennel and the threat has been alleviated.

 

[Springer80]

Well I'm impressed your going to yoga. Oxygenating your fried muscles will take a while. All that breathing stuff does help.

 

[Dissociation]

Keifer, about your rage, I have felt like you for a lot of years.
Then I learnt to calm down using meditation and also my therapist helped me a lot.

I exactly know how you feel about control, there have been days or moments in which I was in the metro and I wanted to smash everything around me, I wanted to yell to people, etc..
I had to meditate in the metro in order to control myself.
I used yoga too.

 

[keifer]

I'm reading this again today. I've had that feeling of smashing stuff though the US military has a zero tolerance policy on it. I can control it but the feelings are there and I wonder if they will ever stop. I also feel like it will be something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

[Dissociation]

Well..I don't think that this feeling can be definitively "healed". :banghead:

You will have to deal with it when it will rise up again.

But it will be weaker and weaker with the time.

I promise ;)

 

[Woof]

My anger/RAGE is a constant companion! Patiently waiting it's chance to spring for and snap at any threat or worse, perceived threat. I haven't given "safety" much thought, at least on a conscious level. Yet, my reactions/responses my indicate that I think more of my "safety" than previously thought.

The rough and gruff persona is in and of itself, for me, a perfect defense....Cept for around my beloved, who has a tendency to see thru it, typically diffusing my angst before I get to involved with it. I was asked by my therapist, "Where would you be with out your anger/RAGE?"

LOST...

I am still stumped on that question. Would I be "safe"? I dunno. As I have always identified myself as angry or ragefull...I would be in essence, nude.

I don't really like being angry, and am not fond of the seething rage....yet, this is how I know myself. I cant envision myself differently. I am somewhat comforted by the notion that this takes time. Rather than waking a child in their sleep by turning on the blaring lights...perhaps a dimmer switch is better. I once heard that the reason for time is that so everything doesn't happen at once....which makes sense to me.

What I want? I dont know that either....It is probably best answered thru negation....by stating what I don't want. Simply, I don't want to suffer....now, what ever that means (and I am not altogether sure) I am willing to find out, I am willing to ask questions, I am will to listen to answers and I am willing to follow a few suggestions. The end goal, remains unclear. One thing is crystal clear...I don't want to suffer anymore! (especially, unnecessary suffering) So, in that I wish you...

Much Peace
Woof