What If I Don't Want To Know?

[yoshixvx]

Just wondering if anyone out there has gone through therapy and realized it was unhelpful?

I've completely the first stage and am able to ground myself, think dialectally, and be mindful of my emotions. I still have flashbacks of memories I do have, but I am missing the majority of my childhood due to dissociative amnesia. What if I don't want to know what I have forgotten? Is this a reasonable option or am I just kidding myself (it always finds a way out somehow)?

I haven't had a successful rapport with therapists and my last round of therapy almost destroyed my life (and did assist in destroying my previous relationship). I know that I need time to get over this. I'm even less inclined to trust someone now that the damage has been done on a therapeutic level.

I don't want to run from my past, or ignore it, but I feel if I continue at this point, it's going to be too overwhelming and I'm going to backslide into depression and PTSD hell.

 

[arfie]

I share your general mistrust of therapists. As a group, I find them to be about as consistent as preachers and shamans. Over the 42 years I have dealt with the after effects of my childhood traumas, the diagnosis and treatments have changed more often than an over aged fashion diva has changed names and wedding styles. At similar price tags... Divorce settlement included...

However... Those after effects remain too real and over-whelming to ignore. Those repressed memories really do just keep on finding their way to the surface, however much I might prefer to leave them buried. The nebulous nature of the disorder keeps me from feeling safe from sliding back into that PTSD hell. Depression is not so much a problem for me, personally, as the fight and flight. Rage, reject and run is my MO. In the absence of a magic wand, I gotta work with what is available. Either that or give in to my urge to disappear into what little wilderness is left.

My current compromise is to maintain a support group network, both live and on-line. I get by with a little help from my friends. I keep my mind open to a pro network but that tends to be an all or nothing gig. At present it is at the nothing extreme, but my mind is open to evolutions and workshops.

guess I got all rambly on you. Sorry. Gentle encouragement while you sort through your own.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Can you take a break and work on maintaining your healing thus far? I think therapy is helpful, but if you don't have all those memories, what would you process? Perhaps just let it be and if the need arises, return to therapy in the future.

I met someone on another site who dug in too deep and regretted it. She had DID, so I think that played a big part in it as well. But, I think that proper therapy is invaluable. It just sucks that it can take a long time to find the right kind of therapy!

 

[Sandstone]

What if I don't want to know what I have forgotten? Is this a reasonable option or am I just kidding myself (it always finds a way out somehow)?

I'm pretty sure that once it's on its way out, that's the way it's going to carry on.

Even now, with a therapist I trust more than anyone I've ever dealt with, I'm fighting to keep so much in. It's a pointless battle, there are too many ways for things to escape - dreams, literature, TV, music, sights, smells, news articles, family events. They are all there waiting to prise a little bit more out, however hard I try to box it, encase it in steel, bury the box, plant brambles over it and put razor wire round the site.

My only suggestion to you is to keep doing the (harmless) things that keep you safe and stable, and at the same time look around for a therapist who you can relate to.

 

[HelenB]

My personal experience is that I got to a stage where I just couldn't shut that screaming out any more, no matter how hard I tried. I survived for many years and still if I am honest have a massive part of me which just does not want to remember and face it, but I know for me it just isn't an option any more.

I think everyone is in different stages. I know for me I had a period where things were easier and the things were not coming up anywhere near as much, though they were definitely still there, but it got to the stage where that just was not possible any more. I believe that only you can know how much you can hold and cope with and what you are ready to deal with at this time, and think you do have to trust your instincts, but know for me a lot of shutting it down, was also going totally self destruct when things did try and come up, and really hope that you are able to find a way to find compassion on all the parts of yourself, even if you are not ready to deal with it and find some sense of peace and safety within it all.

I am also very fortunate that I do have a very good therapist and know that they are around, and also have very good ministry at a Christian ministry centre too, but do know that it can be very mixed, and do not think I would have been able to survive it all if it had come up before and I hadn't had that level of support around me.

I am very tired tonight after a pretty hard day, so hope that makes some sense, but just read your post and wanted to share with you and hope it is of help.

God bless
Helen

 

[yoshixvx]

Depression is not so much a problem for me, personally, as the fight and flight. Rage, reject and run is my MO. In the absence of a magic wand, I gotta work with what is available. Either that or give in to my urge to disappear into what little wilderness is left.

This describes me so accurately. I get triggered, RRR + then isolate until depression sets in. Then decide to reach out and maybe give life another go, and make a poor decision. Rinse and repeat. The cycle is so hard to break when I feel like bolting for the Himalayas and/or never dating or socializing again :/

Can you take a break and work on maintaining your healing thus far?

Yes, I am definitely taking a break from everything (therapy, relationships, commitments that cause me anxiety) to try to enjoy life in the present and see where it takes me. I have a habit of obsessively (and hyper-vigilantly) overthinking and problem solving everything, so I need to give myself a breather from that because no good ever comes of pushing myself.

I know for me I had a period where things were easier and the things were not coming up anywhere near as much, though they were definitely still there, but it got to the stage where that just was not possible any more.

The flashbacks have slowed down considerably since I left therapy (and the relationship), which is a relief. This is probably equally as due to dissociation as it is to not being in a triggering environment. Still, there is an ominous and unsettling feeling inside of me, which I think is causing a lot of fear.. like something is lurking and waiting for the most inopportune time to destroy my life - like it always does. I call it the "monster". I try not to think about it or give it any basis in reality, but it's difficult to discredit completely because the very nature of the condition is what I've been diagnosed with: fragmented and compartmentalized trauma from a very violent and destructive home.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Does therapy have to mean remembering everything?

Therapy is to help you deal with your present and potential life in a healthy way. From what I understand, the reason for looking at trauma is to accept it happened and to accept the emotional effect on you. Also to discover the link between trauma and thinking styles/esteem issues/ dissociation/ inner beliefs about yourself and the world etc that are unhelpful to you now, and to begin to consider a other possible ways of viewing things.

It took me a long time to accept that I wouldn't find detailed memories of everything that's happened. Partly because my age and ability to comprehend what was happening at that time and partly because I dissociate during trauma.

So, I'm trying to say that successful therapy doesn't depend on you remembering everything that happened. It seems more to do with accepting what you do remember.

I'm curious about whether the thought that you could remember everything has come from you or from your therapist?

 

[yoshixvx]

@Meadowsweet I've been pushed by therapists in the past to recollect and process everything that has happened to me. Frankly, that is damn near impossible - I've been through so many things that it would take lifetimes to confront everything.

I feel at peace with myself in this moment - I am not running around like a headless chicken 24/7 anymore. I am even considering going back to school, and eventually back to work. But the issues are still coming up, particularly in relationships, where the abandonment trauma (couple with fragmented voices of abuse) cause me to start questioning everything. I know why they are there, that they are not real (flashbacks), and try to be compassionate towards them - and myself. Still, yelling "STOP" 500x at them doesn't actually make them go away.. they just retreat into the shadows and wait for the next opportunity to challenge me again. Not sure what that is about or if it is even related to PTSD?

 

[Meadowsweet]

feel at peace with myself in this moment - I am not running around like a headless chicken 24/7 anymore. I am even considering going back to school, and eventually back to work.

So this is the positive to focus on.

But the issues are still coming up, particularly in relationships, where the abandonment trauma (couple with fragmented voices of abuse) cause me to start questioning everything. I know why they are there, that they are not real (flashbacks), and try to be compassionate towards them - and myself. Still, yelling "STOP" 500x at them doesn't actually make them go away.. they just retreat into the shadows and wait for the next opportunity to challenge me again.

And this is the bit that therapy could help with. I'm not a therapist of course. But the way I see it, is that you explore the past as far as what comes up naturally. So if those voices and feeling from the past come up, then you deal with them. But those are parts of the memory that are there. So you can deal with the. That is different from looking for memories that aren't there.

Also, you can learn ways of managing the symptoms that can't be eliminated. Shouting at them or finding compassion towards them is maybe not the way to manage those critical voices. And again, learning to manage what comes up is something that might be a better goal for therapy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

For me having amnesia blocks is natures way of protecting me. I agree about therapists, but I am also on medication to get stable from a psychiatrist that sees and hears me.

I have dealt and dealt with so much of my past.

The best choice I made was to get EMDR which changed my life for the better. I think I was ready for it, it is not for everyone.

I will always have PTSD but now it is more about managing symptoms and taking good care of myself. My husband died ten months ago and I was his care giver twenty four seven for three years.

I am healing and enjoying life in ways I never did before. I have such a appreciation for all of the good things life has to offer.

I realized one day that if I did not learn how to think for myself I would be in therapy the rest of my life so I quit therapy, and began to really live my life.

I had so many really rough years in therapy but it was not helping me with every day life things. I have had a lot of bad therapists and I got rid of them.

One therapist said she could not help me anymore. So I quit again.

If buried memories surface, then I will deal with them and still manage to live the happiest life I can. I now feel free of the rough years that I called wasted years.

I wish you the very best in making your choice to go or not to go.

 

[NovemberStar]

Can you talk to your T and slow down the pace?

I'm really lucky, my T NEVER pushes me and we are going very very slowly.

Another thing I wonder is how helpful (or not) do you find 'grounding' and 'mindfulness'? I ask because those approaches make me so much worse I cannot even tolerate the words! Turns out, it's because I am actually TOO traumatized to do them (yet). Having that explanation helped me so much - I no longer feel 'a freak' because it seems 'everyone else' uses those techniques and it helps them, but for me, it only ever made things worse.

I'm just thinking if you can try another form of therapy, maybe it will be different?

Are you able to articulate WHY you din't gel with previous Ts? If you can write out what it was about them / their approach, it would give you more of an idea of what MIUGHT work (if only by process of elimination as to what hasn't).

 

[yoshixvx]

I don't currently have a T, due to financial issues and 3-5 year waiting lists offered by the trauma programs here.

I do practice mindfulness and meditate every day.. so I'm familiar with grounding, but I think the issue is that I don't trust myself in certain situations. Like I am usually not strong enough to hold back the anger in the moment, especially if triggered in a relationship. It has destroyed many good things, maybe things that were not meant to be.. but good opportunities nonetheless. I try not to live in regret and "what if"s because it's counterproductive, but still there is a hint of sadness when I remember the times I was not in control. I don't blame myself - I was raised to be a violent person - but I am hard on myself when I feel I am not healing fast enough. Not sure who or what pressures me to hurry up and become a better person.. maybe it's just knowing that I can. So overall, a lot of frustration around current circumstances and what the future holds. But I guess that's what meditation is for ;)