What If I'm Not To Blame.

[seekingstability]

I've been seeing my therapist for two and a half years, the last 3 months we've been going through individual memories of the assaults on me by my Uncle when I was 16 (I'm 32 now). This is the first time I've talked about it. Managing to get through, by the skin of my teeth, but getting through.

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And my life hasn't been easy. Somehow all this time, believing that I am to blame, I engaged, I contributed, I did things to make sure we weren't caught... all these things I've told myself that I did because I'm disgusting, hideous and there is something VERY wrong with me - telling myself these things have in fact gotten me through.

Last night during a particularly intense self hating rant, my therapist asked me how I would think differently about that time if I wasn't to blame. How I would think about myself now. She knows my soft spot. Asking me in the context of the children and teens that I counsel. 'How would you reflect with a young person if they came to you and shared their experience, going on to describe the self hate and internalised rage'... I can do that. I can apply the logic to others easily. And I know it's right. Scientifically - it's factual.

I'm stuck. I don't seem to be able to apply that concept to my experience. I feel like I'm split. Right now there's an intellectual side of me that understands - I was 16, he was in a position of authority, there's nothing I could have done or not done that would cause any blame to be laid on me. Then when I try to think about what happened I head straight into self hate, blame, regret, shame.

It's like I'm split in two. How can I integrate what I KNOW intellectually now, with what I remember and how that makes me FEEL.

I hope I'm making sense. ANY advice/personal experience - would be incredibly helpful.

 

[City Slicker]

This is the first time I've talked about it.

Wow, listen to your words - what you wrote. This is really huge that you were able to talk about it. You are well on your way.

I haven't worked with a therapist on this stuff so I have no advice to offer (my therapist caused a lot of what you are describing with your uncle) but you are not alone.

Lately I have been able to 'talk' to that part of me that takes responsibility for what happened. I know it's a process and it's not going to be any worse than what I lived through. I know that the abuse is over and that I had a right to expect to be a 16 year old without having to have dealt with any of that.

So I 'talk' to 'her' about that - the healing feelings come. You are working on it. Bridging that gap between logic and emotions will come.

 

[joeylittle]

It's like I'm split in two. How can I integrate what I KNOW intellectually now, with what I remember and how that makes me FEEL.

No advice - just going through something very, very similar right now and wanted to let you know you are not alone in this.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Give yourself some time. You just now opened up about this and it can take awhile to get ready of that horrible it's all my fault feeling. I've lost sleep over that thought. It gets easier but in the meantime try to remember to be gentle to yourself.

 

[seekingstability]

Thanks @City Slicker. I get what you're saying - I'm in a hurry though - feeling quite desperate to be honest. I feel like I've lost so much time living in a PTSD induced haze. I'm so super keen to live the life I was supposed to - present and authentic.

Like I said - 2 years I've been in therapy which I know from reading on here - isn't 'too long', but for me - it feels like a very long time.

@joeylittle. Thank you. I hope all the best for you.