What If The There Is No More Help?

[Smallhold]

CPTSD is a nasty one. As many here can confirm.

Been in treatment and through a misunderstanding of the PTSD center, I was written out as a client. Therapist wanted to write me back in but couldn't be done. Procedures must be followed as does the waiting list.

Things have piled up. To the point where I had to admit to my son I was ready to go. He took me to the regular mental health crisis point last friday night (not specific PTSD experienced) and they send me away with Seroquel. Which was not a good idea because it knocked me out and enforced suicidal thoughts.

All week I've been trying to get help. The regular mental healthcare here knows not enough about CPTSD. The center I used to go offered me initially a new intake or inpatient. The inpatient only to adjust meds, no treatment. Sadly I'm one of many who react paradoxal to meds. We tried every group of meds available.

My former therapist called today she couldn't get hold of a psychiatrist over the week. She'll try again monday but told me they are very busy. So probably wouldn't have an answer by then either. It may take a while she said and we both know I am actively planning.

Possibilities from their side are:
Inpatient to adjust to meds from which is in my file I do not tolerate them. Take it that's a no.
In January a course for sexually abused women while my CPTSD is that plus neglect plus abusive ex plus war trauma. Therapist told me honestly those two options might not apply to me.

Which leaves nothing in the form of help for a person who has been honest about being planning the darkest. I try to hang on for my son but for two year already, it has been the thing in front of my mind. It has been in mind but at the back all my life.

Much happened and I understand getting help in a small country is not likely if the expertise center already gave up on me. In their defence, they are good and tried. Just too bureaucratic and spend more time in meetings than treating clients. So now I am without help, only friend left can't talk about it as it reminds her of her brother who left life early.

At an age where over half a century of fighting has left me worn out. When is enough really enough if there is no help?

 

[Spiderallis]

I'm sorry you're running into so many roadblocks and hassles in seeking help. Would it be any easier to break it down into smaller spans of time? Saying "For the next hour, I will hold on" works for me. I know it's exhausting to keep fighting, but you can win this- just don't give up.

 

[Smallhold]

Spiderallis, thank you for your reply. That is what I try to do. Not hours but ten minutes.

So far it is not working very good. The feeling remains.

As an example, I try to stick to the forum rules about punctuation and space between lines. English is not my first language but I try cos I agreed to the rules. I thought the post above was written according to the rules. It was not and again I got my post edited. A PM about that is enough to tip the scale right now.

It is scary how open and raw the nerve endings are. Too full of darkness to even understand what was not right in my post cos I looked it over and over before posting.

So 10 minutes if my maximum. It's been that way for nearly two year now. There comes an end to 10 minute goals.

 

[keifer]

Finding the right resource can be hard. I wasn't at my last straw. I seen a lot of different people, who all had good intentions, but none addressed me. It wasn't PTSD or we'll do this treatment. I felt forced to do this or that. Keeping hanging on, and trying different resources.

 

[arfie]

Yes, cPTSD is a nasty one. I am one of the ones here who can testify to that. A suicide attempt got me into my first therapy session in 1972, just before my 18th birthday. Still dealing 41 years later.

Gentle hugs, Smallhold. I do not know when enough will be enough. I also do not know when the next breakthrough will happen. Hope the breakthrough reaches you first.

 

[Smallhold]

Kiefer, in this small country the possibilities are limited. I have tried them all.

In fairness, the limitations of not tolerating meds is the main issue. That is not the fault of therapists. Nor is it my fault. Just being unlucky.

Thank you Arfie for the hugs.

 

[Britt.f7]

One thing that kept me hanging on was finding out that children of suicide victims are more likely to commit suicide themselves. Don't remember where I heard it, but I know that I do not want that for my children. I have two teens.

I'm sorry you can't get back into the clinic that specialized in what you needed. Please do not give up. There has to be something. I just wish I knew, like you, what it was. Keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[macca]

Smallhold, things are really tough right now, but keep hanging on, minute by minute if you have to. Keep trying, I know you're exhausted from trying so hard, but you are a survivor. You've survived so much, you are stronger than you know. I hope very much that you can get the help you need.

 

[new gamma rays]

Good luck Smallhold. I don't have advice, but I am hoping you get better as you hold on.

 

[Luigi]

You have to hang on. I know it seems like you can't, and I know it seems hopeless, bu tyou have to hang on.There is no way that you are abandoned, and alone in that space, I know help is coming for you.

 

[Smallhold]

Apparently my understanding of English is not good enough.

No matter how hard I try, I get a slap on the wrist again. Seeing mistakes others make in spelling and style, I cannot understand why.

Only that I'm again not at the right place here.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding.

I will now delete my account because this is not exactly helping me. The probably " necessary" correcting is getting on my nerves because I cannot understand what I do wrong.

Which brings me closer to the ten minute period saying:" It's not worth it".