What Is 'big' Enough To Leave For Good?

[Philippa]

I don't think that you have to turn off your empathy at all. It's completely okay to acknowledge that these people have reasons and problems and their own suffering and that they might actually be suffering more because you cut them off.

True. I'm just not good with causing suffering to other people...even those who treat me badly. I know they are acting from their own defective patterns that were inflicted onto them, when they were young, and grew up doing the same to others...normalizing it.

I've mostly been ok with allowing them to feel whatever they feel, and not do anything about it...but when she says crap like this to me, it's like all my adult faculties to argue against it fall away and I'm just a 5 year old wanting to make it all better and make "mommy" happy again.

I hate it.

What you need to turn off is the idea that it is your job to do something about the way they feel.

Yes.

I know it's not up to me to meet their needs, or make them happy, but it does plug into the conditioning I received, which was to "be a good girl" and all that crap. Even though I know it's crap, it still gets me at an emotional level.

It doesn't matter what reasons they had. There are no good reasons for abusing and neglecting the child that you are responsible for.

Yes, true.

Remember what I said about the consequences of how you spend your time? Well, they get to taste the consequences of spending their time behaving terribly towards you.

I like this way of thinking a lot. It makes perfect sense. On my stronger days I would have no problem reminding myself of this. When I'm ill and feeling crappy though, I find it harder to remember basic truths like this.

It's not your job to protect them from the consequences of their behaviours. It's your job to protect yourself from them.

Right. At least I'll have this thread to look back on if I ever get this way again.

What you are trying to do is akin to going to prison for the person who beat you to a pulp because you know they would have a hard time in prison.

Yeah, that makes no sense.:laugh:

 

[freakofnurture]

it does plug into the conditioning I received, which was to "be a good girl" and all that crap. Even though I know it's crap, it still gets me at an emotional level.

Oh but Philippa! Don't you realise you are being a Good Girl? First rule of Good Girls: "Don't get acquainted with dishonest, manipulative, sleazy people; you'll just pick up bad habits from them." ;)

 

[Philippa]

:laugh: haha...true. haahahahaha

Guess she taught me well eh?

 

[Spiderallis]

It doesn't have to be for good, if you want to change your mind later on that's an option. For now, if it hurts more than helps, you've got plenty of reason to do what's good for you.

The tricky part about advice and opinions is that other people can only speak from their experiences. I'm glad that most people don't understand how bad it hurts to look their father in the eye and know that's the man who stomped on their self-worth. Personally, anyone who tells me 'it's in the past' has no clue what they're talking about and isn't a friend I'd want to have.