What is disassociating like?

[Quarantine Queen]

For years I disassociated and didn't even know what I was doing or why. I didn't not know it was abnormal or that I was doing it at all since my trauma started very young. PTSD has just been a part of my life for so long. In my 30's I finally got the diagnosis and began the process of healing. Now I am 41 and trying to write a short book about my my experience with PTSD.

What I would like to know is what you think of the following sentence that for me describes what it is like to disassociate. Is it different for you or similar?



"I could no longer hear her. I felt nothing. I was no longer there. The only way to describe it is like an inability to exist in the world around oneself as though I was sucked away and unable to feel or operate my own body."

 

[GwenDR]

I was thinking about posting a similar thread to this, because I wanted to know about other peoples experiences with it. However, since you want to use it for a book, you might need to post in the Research sub-forum instead of the Dissociation sub forum, and may need mod permission. Might make a help request and ask what the best course of action is.

 

[Quarantine Queen]

Good point. Does it make difference that I am not planning on using any responses in the book just looking for feedback?

 

[GwenDR]

It might, and I love the topic idea. Like I said, I was thinking about asking something like that, because I want to understand it better. I don't dissociate, at least I don't think so, but am curious about what it's like for others.
I can be really absent minded, and sometimes (a lot lately) feel dizzy like my brain is darting around, especially when anxious. And sometimes am bothered by existing or perceiving, like it doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Sometimes I think I feel like I don't exist, or the world around me isn't real, but I have no idea if I really think that or just think I'm thinking that. It's probably just all in my head. But I'm still curious to know what it's like for others.

 

[ramacita]

I think of dissociation as similar to a narcotic. It's like a fog that rolls in, claiming mind and body. It's like the pull of sleep when you're very, very tired. Pain and fear dissolve into it. It's the pull of sleep when you're very, very tired.
Something about it feels delicious, the relief of giving yourself over to nothingness.

 

[Quarantine Queen]

the relief of giving yourself over to nothingness.

At one point in my life it was this way for me. To be able to just shut down. I do not disassociate anymore and haven't done it for quite awhile. If I even feel that pull coming on now it scares me and I use some tools I have learned to ground me in reality.

 

[Muted]

Everything around you goes far far away, like you just keep getting smaller and more numb surrounded by fog.

 

[ramacita]

At one point in my life it was this way for me...I do not disassociate any...

that's probably good. my understanding is that dissociation is useful mainly as a relatively crude protective and coping device for times of real emotional emergency. perhaps like a much milder form of 'shock'.

something as simple as feeling my feet on the floor or wiggling my fingers, trying to be aware of breathing can help keep it from taking over. doing so can feel empowering, which in turn makes the pain less like suffering and more like an experience i can maybe learn from.

it is nice to have the option of NOT going into the fog. there are often good reasons to want to stay alert, even through painful times, triggers and so on.

 

[Quarantine Queen]

I

to want to stay alert, even through painful times, triggers and so on.

I think its important to sit with emotions even though difficult. I often use the RAIN acronym to sit with it and realize that that emotion is not me. It actually works lol. Link Removed

 

[Friday]

What I would like to know is what you think of the following sentence that for me describes what it is like to disassociate. Is it different for you or similar?

If that's the way it is for you, that's the way it is.

That's completely different from the ways I experience disassociation, but it's a huge spectrum.

 

[Suzetig]

Yep, dissociation looks different for me too - and different episodes can feel very different too. For example zoning out when I'm driving home is very different to being triggered at work, or working on something in therapy and dissociating during session. It's all dissociation but each serves a different purpose and feels different.

 

[jade53]

It was particularly terrifying when it came on while driving. I haven't had an episode for a few years but thinking about them might bring one on again. I'm almost certain that I'd be able to touch my nose with my eyes closed easier if I had too much to drink and remember how difficult it was just to get off the road without hitting something. The best I can describe is that often it was like looking through prisms. (I'm still not convinced I wasn't getting different psychodelics instead of psychotropics).