What Is Dissociation?

[katz]

I think that dissociation is different for everyone. All of my memories of my "times" are from the 3rd person. I'm floating up in the corner of the ceiling looking down. That is why I know what happened--I watched it all from up there. I think that everyone escapes differently. I have very clear memories from one very violent stranger when "it" happened. I remember realizing that I could not stop this and my eyes quickly looking around the room for something to "concentrate on" or to "escape too." I remember choosing the corner of the ceiling--cobwebs and all-- to stare at. After that, all the memory is from the 3rd person. I can even see what happened to me after it was all over. ( I think that I was passed out...when my friends dad carried me back to the other bedroom ) It is a weird memory. I have often read about a person actually choosing to pass out -- as a survival tactic. A lot of animals to it. So, don't be hard on yourself if you did "choose" to dissociate.

I can always remember the corners of the different bedrooms in the house that I grew up in. So I know that I learned to do this when I was very young. Sadly, I don't know if I can ever "unlearn" this habit. I know that as our brains develop when we are young, our minds/thoughts "learn" how to work and what memories to store where. The brain can actually physically be different due to a traumatic incident when we are young and still developing. If you want to learn more about the physical effects of child abuse, there are lots of articles by doctors and child neurologists who have studied these effects on young children. It is a very, very sad thought for me to try and accept that I may never be able to unlearn this "escaping" reaction. Although, I will always continue to try.