What is it Like After You’ve “Processed” a Memory

[Friday]

Think of something you remember. Absolutely anything that isn’t trauma. The last soda you drank. Waking up. Being stuck in traffic. Anything. It’s like that. You can remember what happened. You can remember how you felt. And that’s it. Try it right now by pouring yourself a glass of water, or whatever. Drink it. Wait 5 minutes. Now remember it. That’s what processed trauma is like. Any other memory.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmmm. Looking at the above, one might think I didn't do it right. But, no... some disturbance mild to moderate can occur without flashback, depersonalization, derealization, disassociation, suicidal or self harming thoughts or going down the thought cascade. If I can recall a distressful or traumatizing event and "feel like" it's the last thing I drank a soda, waking up... or being stuck in traffic? Um, nope. I'm too medicated or deluding myself. I will have the memory. Something can trigger it at any time... though unlikely to ever be at a place where it's at the level in the above post... to me it sounds like Nirvana. Those thoughts, for me can be there, but they can relatively quickly be redirected towards a meaningful, preferred state of being or trajectory.

Last time I checked there's nothing under the sun to short circuit the limbic system. But there are plenty of strategies to ride it out and recoop within minutes and resume relative peace, calm and contentment and not let the occurrence dominate your day.

 

[piratelady]

We talked about this memory some more today. He has a really clear idea of what happened, He made a great argument and I believe it’s not my fault. The thing is I don’t feel any different about what happened. I guess I wonder if it’s going to be any different, ever.

Maybe the nirvana, so to speak, won’t ever be attainable for me - for this memory. Maybe I just have to learn to control the thoughts around them instead. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.

Therapist tells me to trust him to guide me through this process, but I am having a really hard time doing that. It’s scary to relinquish control over something so sensitive

 

[joeylittle]

Maybe the nirvana, so to speak, won’t ever be attainable for me - for this memory. Maybe I just have to learn to control the thoughts around them instead. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.

I didn't really notice how much difference there was, until we came back to some things over a year later.

The memories were still ugly, uncomfortable. I don't like that it's a part of my life, and always will be. What was different? I didn't have a physiological PTSD response, for one - so no agitation, flashback, body memory. No weeping, no shaking. All that stuff.

But the most significant thing, for me, was: I don't remember all the details as clearly as I used to.

It's gotten fuzzy. Which is amazing, to me. These are events that happened 30+ years ago, and while I'm not surprised they are 'memorable' - it was significant, life-changing shit - I'm also glad to discover that they are developing the same haziness that colors other significant memories from that time.

When we were processing through the events, it was a visceral, highly detailed experience. It's heartening to have a chunk of it now be not-so-sharp.

 

[Friday]

Maybe I just have to learn to control the thoughts around them instead.

That’s part of it, IME.

We talked about this memory some more today. He has a really clear idea of what happened, He made a great argument and I believe it’s not my fault. The thing is I don’t feel any different about what happened. I guess I wonder if it’s going to be any different, ever.

The stuff I’ve fully processed? I haven’t just talked about to someone once. I’ve talked about it to probably dozens of people, hundreds of times... but talking about it? Is maaaaaybe 30% of having dealt with it.

Talking about it once with someone? Is HUGE. Ginormous. Like the difference between standing on a pool deck and being in the water. 2 totally different states of being. Dry on land, wet in the water. But being in the water doesn’t mean you’re swimming yet, much less in the ocean surfing. Jumping from having talked about it to things never changing? Is too big a leap. Being IN the water is huge. Next? Learn how to swim. Then learn how to surf. An ocean won’t magically materialize in your pool, complete with you and a board, rocking out. There are steps. How far you choose to take them is always your decision. Maybe just swimming is all you want. And that’s totally cool. But even that is a little bit down the road. You’re doing great. Keep it up, rather than giving up.

 

[piratelady]

I'm also glad to discover that they are developing the same haziness that colors other significant memories from that time.

This would be nice. Some of the later abuse has gotten that way, but then again this event is the one I feel like is to blame for everything else.

Being IN the water is huge. Next? Learn how to swim. Then learn how to surf. An ocean won’t magically materialize in your pool, complete with you and a board, rocking out. There are steps

Today he told me to let him know if we needed to go back and talk about the details, if I felt like it was necessary. But if he has a pretty good idea of what happened then I don’t see what purpose it would serve. Or is that really one of the steps?

 

[Freida]

Ya -- talking about it once or twice? gets it out of your head so you can start working on it. But you may have to work on some memories longer than others. I've been able to process some in 3 or 4 sessions --others I've been working on for years.

I think the ones that have misplaced guilt are harder to get rid of because we have to get past making it "necessary" to keep the blame instead of putting it where it belongs. So it's a two part process: Start by processing the memory, then processing who actually owns the guilt.

 

[siniang]

Intriguing thread, touching on things I've also been wondering about.

Think of something you remember. Absolutely anything that isn’t trauma. The last soda you drank. Waking up. Being stuck in traffic. Anything. It’s like that. You can remember what happened. You can remember how you felt. And that’s it. Try it right now by pouring yourself a glass of water, or whatever. Drink it. Wait 5 minutes. Now remember it. That’s what processed trauma is like. Any other memory.

The memories were still ugly, uncomfortable. I don't like that it's a part of my life, and always will be. What was different? I didn't have a physiological PTSD response, for one - so no agitation, flashback, body memory. No weeping, no shaking. All that stuff.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that PTSD can not be cured, just managed.

vvv

Last time I checked there's nothing under the sun to short circuit the limbic system. But there are plenty of strategies to ride it out and recoop within minutes and resume relative peace, calm and contentment and not let the occurrence dominate your day.

Hence, even if you "processed" a memory/trauma (or learnt mechanisms to navigate around it)? It could bubble up at any time under the "wrong" circumstances and revert to its previous traumatic memory state, right?

For me personally, I've actually wondered what "trauma therapy" will do, because I can control myself enough to not have a reaction when thinking about my trauma. Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but that's about it. My symptoms all (most?) play out on a major subconscious level. Hence the differences in "remembering" it after it's been "processed"? Don't do it for me.

 

[Friday]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it was my understanding that PTSD can not be cured, just managed

Processing trauma doesn’t cure PTSD. It makes it faaaaar less reactive/debilitating; but increased stress, new trauma, or loss of coping mechanisms can each -or in any combination- bring symptoms back to the forefront.

Hence, even if you "processed" a memory/trauma (or learnt mechanisms to navigate around it)? It could bubble up at any time under the "wrong" circumstances and revert to its previous traumatic memory state, right?

Personally... That’s not my experience.

- The Rape & Sexual Assault part of my trauma history is so well processed that I’ve been raped again, and only had a brief symptom spike, and very easily/neatly dealt with those rapes, each as they came up. I think the longest took a few weeks? It’s difficult to remember as they just weren’t a big deal. Not minimizing, just easy to deal with. As opposed to when I was just beginning to deal with the rape & sexual assault part of my trauma history where even a single trigger (surrounding oral sex) took me about 6mo to sort out, and the whole thing took a few years to sort out, all told.

- My combat part of my trauma history, meanwhile, I came at from a different direction... and instead of trauma processing et al, ONLY went after symptoms/triggers. That one? Kicks off, all over again, just as hard if you glance at it the wrong way.

The traumas I went after the root cause? Are not only non-reactive, but have actually made dealing with any future traumas infinitely easier, and I’ve yet to find myself in any situation that “undoes” the trauma work I did.

The traumas I only went after my symptoms? Have come back to bite me time and time and time again. Countless kinds of circumstances kick my legs out from under me and I have to start my symptom work all over again (still haven’t gone after root cause).

I suspect one could come at trauma processing by way of symptoms... if a person doesn’t do what I did and STOP (avoid avoid avoid avoid) once their symptoms are sorted, but continues onto the root cause.

 

[piratelady]

@Friday thank you for explaining that. I don’t know why, but that makes so much more sense to me.

 

[Deanna]

I've got so many different types of trauma, its too much to list. My therapist said people come to her for 1 situation but that's not me. We do another type of counceling.. It's like Diana or Diane something. I've looked on internet and I can't find her.. But I've been going for two years and feel positive when I leave. I remember all my trauma but somehow.. She makes me feel more positive. Maybe its more like, addressing situations today.

 

[siniang]

Thank you so much for those helpful explanations @Friday !