What is loneliness?

Roland

Confident

I’ve been thinking about people and places I didn’t feel lonely. How relationships I’ve had that were toxic in the long term, I had an instant connection with, we understood each other and everything. But then overtime the tables turned and the worst of their darkside or my own got the best of the relationship. I thought about when I was 16 at church camp, I felt connected to everyone there. When I went back this year I felt alone again, that I wasn’t allowed to be real or honest of who I am or where I’ve been. I think of my boyfriend and how while I love him so much and he’s weird like me, he doesn’t really understand me. I have to use very direct and clear communication, he doesn’t “speak my language”. To a vast extent, I feel this is eternal. I’m making a futile attempt to make friends online (like a dating app, but for friends) and I’m already seeing the cold reality I already know of being ghosted, rejected, how you can’t tell peoples intentions. It’s such a maze. I don’t want to be depressed and lonely anymore, I’ve felt like that persistently. These toxic relationships at least I felt really heard and understood, but I’d rather no relationship that toxic ones. I’d rather be alone than with the wrong people. But I don’t know what the right people are. I’m tired.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Good topic! I am also interested in this and it has been a big part of my recovery journey.
do friends cure loneliness? Real friends, the kind that stick with you. I don’t know. What do you think of loneliness? What do you do to not feel lonely?
I think yes, friends do help reduce the discomfort of loneliness. I reach out to friends to not feel lonely. It was a long and slow process to make friends in my community. Friends that weren’t just my co-workers (can still be good) or ready-made in a church (can still be good). Co-workers and church are a good place to start but the ones that stick are often ones you meet while doing something you enjoy. So, for me, first step was doing things I might enjoy, cultivating my own joy. Then choosing to do that activity in a location or way that puts me in proximity with other people doing something the same or similar.

Oh but before all that I had to believe that my voice was worth hearing and my words had meaning. That took a couple years. Once I got my voice and words going and tapped into my desires then I could do an activity I enjoyed in the presence of other people doing that same activity and talk to them about… something! Usually that activity.

I think one of the hardest things was the rejection. I would psyche myself up for “friend interactions” but not always get the response or consent I was seeking. Then I had to have enough confidence to keep trying. That’s where the therapeutic relationship was really helpful. Because I could talk to her about the good the bad and the ugly. And she could validate all of it and be present while I worked out the kinks.

Sometimes I would make friends and then it would go south and I would realize I hadn’t seen the red flags because I was so eager to make friends. Or sometimes I would see problems where there weren’t any! All of that was confusing and my T helped me sort it out.

I still am learning and still trying to make friends but I have a small circle of people now who genuinely care and we both give and expect respect from each other. And there are lovely surprises that come from those kinds of relationships.
How relationships I’ve had that were toxic in the long term, I had an instant connection with, we understood each other and everything. But then overtime the tables turned
I resonate with this a lot. It’s something that I’m just barely understanding. That those instant connections can lead to some tricky and confusing and complicated roads. I’m learning how to cope when I feel that instant connection and how to peel back the layers of what’s underneath all that strong vivid emotion. And how that instant connection and intense feelings can contribute to the sense of loneliness. I’m curious about the connection between desire and loneliness, as well as anger and loneliness.
 

Roland

Confident
Good topic! I am also interested in this and it has been a big part of my recovery journey.

I think yes, friends do help reduce the discomfort of loneliness. I reach out to friends to not feel lonely. It was a long and slow process to make friends in my community. Friends that weren’t just my co-workers (can still be good) or ready-made in a church (can still be good). Co-workers and church are a good place to start but the ones that stick are often ones you meet while doing something you enjoy. So, for me, first step was doing things I might enjoy, cultivating my own joy. Then choosing to do that activity in a location or way that puts me in proximity with other people doing something the same or similar.

Oh but before all that I had to believe that my voice was worth hearing and my words had meaning. That took a couple years. Once I got my voice and words going and tapped into my desires then I could do an activity I enjoyed in the presence of other people doing that same activity and talk to them about… something! Usually that activity.

I think one of the hardest things was the rejection. I would psyche myself up for “friend interactions” but not always get the response or consent I was seeking. Then I had to have enough confidence to keep trying. That’s where the therapeutic relationship was really helpful. Because I could talk to her about the good the bad and the ugly. And she could validate all of it and be present while I worked out the kinks.

Sometimes I would make friends and then it would go south and I would realize I hadn’t seen the red flags because I was so eager to make friends. Or sometimes I would see problems where there weren’t any! All of that was confusing and my T helped me sort it out.

I still am learning and still trying to make friends but I have a small circle of people now who genuinely care and we both give and expect respect from each other. And there are lovely surprises that come from those kinds of relationships.

I resonate with this a lot. It’s something that I’m just barely understanding. That those instant connections can lead to some tricky and confusing and complicated roads. I’m learning how to cope when I feel that instant connection and how to peel back the layers of what’s underneath all that strong vivid emotion. And how that instant connection and intense feelings can contribute to the sense of loneliness. I’m curious about the connection between desire and loneliness, as well as anger and loneliness.
Yeah, idk I kinda feel stuck in it. Loneliness is a constant and I don’t know how to change it really. But sounds like you’ve worked on it a lot
 
Top