What Is Now Required For Sleep

[LSNP]

I need - currently - and I am going to SAY "currently" because I refuse to let this be the rest of my life.......

One entire bottle of wine, two Tylenol PM and two Xanax (.50, total)... to sleep through the night. Even with this, I have nightmares.

There is not one single night I sleep without dreams of my ex or the stalker.... not one. I typically wake up at 3:00 and cannot sleep for the rest of the night, though I try, very, very hard.

Drugged sleep is not good sleep..... I am tired and groggy in the morning... but at least I am not haunted by dreams. I find it takes days to differentiate between what was a "dream" event and what actually happened.

I am becoming more and more disoriented and fragmented as each day passes. I have contacted a psychiatrist whom has agreed not to take notes..... and understands what C-PTSD is. I will make an appointment with her tomorrow.

I visited the police department again today. The stalker has started another online site... posting pictures of me.
The ex .... who declared love for me just two days ago... told me today that I am crazy... and takes absolutely no responsibility for his role in my nightmare.
My children have begun to leave the room when I come in. They can no longer take the uncontrolled tears. Jesus, who could blame them?

I scratched my arms tonight..... for the first time ever. The left arm with my ex husband's name... the right with my stalker's. I finally fully understood cutting.... and the why. I only scratched with badly bitten fingernails. The pain...... it felt REAL. When it began to fade, I began to fall apart again.

I am seriously losing it, I think perhaps for real this time. I hope this doctor can help.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

LSNP - I've watched your posts since you joined and I have to say something, ok? I'm really concerned. In terms of - someone is honestly scaring the ~crap~ out of you arent they? Ok, gonna try to be blunt without scaring you further - GO if you need to. If you need to even check yourself into a hospital do so. It really doesn't matter if a threat is real or not - if you feeeeeel threatened it will do your head in regardless. Whoever this person is - NOT OKAY!

You sound really strong! Like you're one of those people who if you submit to 'help' you are SO going to make it! Take this post as a compliment. You're not losing it. Stay strong. You sound like a really great person - absolutely no shame in showing up at a hospital and asking for help. Don't cut darling - your children need you. More importantly - YOU need YOU.

 

[LSNP]

Superjen...... thank you for this post. It dissolved me into tears, yet again.... out of gratitude.

I am going to seek help tomorrow. I have been strong for so damn long...... I just can't do it, anymore. I am exhausted.

Thank you, though, so much, for "hearing" me. God, you don't know how that feels. So many haven't. :-(

 

[James B.]

superjen is right, LSPN.

It sounds like your stress meter is red-lined, and has been for a while. The stalking thing sounds nutso. Save your self. Take care of your self: short term does not matter - plan to the end. Play it for the long term. I wish I'd followed others advice at somewhat similar junctions in my life - reduce stress. Bail-out for a time, if need be. Stress reduction can be so valuable.

 

[Jawn]

I agree with superjen and James. Please go get some help soon! You are on stress over load and that is not good. You need to take care of YOU first!

Jawn

 

[Tessa]

Hang in there. Hope the new psych can help and understand your needs. We are here with you and sending our thoughts.

 

[rjtransient]

LSNP - 100% agreed with the others - take a break and get out of there any way you can, if you can. I've been in a very similar situation. It's psychological torture, and yes, the stalker/ex will do anything in their power to make you look like the crazy one. They're calm while you're having a nervous breakdown. There are resources. You can deal with these people later. But first, please put personal safety and immediate stress reduction at the top of your list, even if it does mean going to the hospital - anyplace "safe" for the time being.

I also hope the new psych can help. As superjen said: stay strong.

 

[NIKI]

LSNP, I hear you loud and clear Hon. Like the others I am very concerned about you because you a spiraling down fast. I know it is hard to think straight right now. You need to stop thinking about everything for a minute and just think of yourself. What do you need? You need to get to a doctor as soon as you can, please do not put it off.