What Is Our Si Like? Is It Passive Or Active?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

That doesn't simple at all. I mean a simple thing to want, but not so simple to achieve, especially once you already have them, I wish you the best.

 

[therisa]

Sorry, Kas, am just in a strange mood, at the moment. Well, just to be warm again. My sleep debt is causing to my body, to be, in constant shivering mode.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think mine behaves as yours does. Passive at times, aggressive during others. I have tried suicide, but saved myself when I woke up instead of dying. I ended up hospitalized that time. Last year my depression was beyond black and the SI was definitely aggressive, so I went back into a hospital. They got my medication under control and I am grateful for that. I couldn't have it any other way. Without the medication I would be dead or still the crying mess I was than.

I understand it isn't for everyone and there are people on here that go without that seem to be doing okay.

I did go through intense PTSD/sexual abuse therapy back in my 20's, 20 years ago. I had a period of relief from the PTSD, with the exception of still having flashbacks or anxiety during sex. So it is possible to live better and feel better. Unfortunately, I'm going through things again, but I think 20 years of virtual reprieve is a blessing. I have to think I can do this again.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know all too well how this goes. I wish you peace.

 

[Flower]

My suicidal thoughts are all like it is inevitable. I know I am going to kill myself one day. It will not be tomorrow. It will not be this year. But it will be at some point in the future. It is like this small, knowing, part of myself is planning for when it will be convenient. I am not sure what that means, though. When will be a good time?

However, these thoughts come at extremely inconvenient times. I was at the wedding of some good friends, dancing with my own fiancee, when I kept thinking. "I want to die. It will happen. I will make it happen." And then I just feel so guilty, because here I am at a time when I should be really happy, and all I can think is that I want to die. Not even have another cupcake, just die. These are the times it is more of an immediate feeling. Then I go and cry in a bathroom for a time and remind myself that I do not need to do it then, because I have all the time in the world.

 

[ms spock]

Sometimes it is a general feeling like I just want to die. Sometimes it is much more aggressive and it is really annoying and draining.

 

[WesternSky]

I understand, Therisa. For me, the passive voice is there as an option. It comes up every now and then, especially when things have the potential to go wrong. There's a little voice that reminds me that if things get bad enough, I could always off myself.

The more active ones are the ones that come up suddenly when I'm doing something that tell me in that specific circumstance exactly how I could do it, like driving down the freeway and having the sudden urge to turn the car into something. Sort of what you said about needing to be in a room free of dangers. Sometimes the very aggressive ones make me feel as though it will happen whether I want it to or not and that even if I don't want to do it, I'll find myself acting on it anyways. Those are the ones that really scare me.

 

[therisa]

Oh Flower, how I wish I could take away your SI, from you and replace it, with self-love and compassion.

Sadly, this I can relate to, Ms Spock.

Yes, WesternSky, I know, exactly, what you are saying.

 

[Zef]

Thanks for this thread. I never thought of SI as active/passive before, but maybe I do have some continuing passive style SI.

When my therapist has asked about SI, I have generally said that I wasn't because I have no 'active' plans or thoughts to do harm. Meanwhile, I would drive really aggressively on the freeway, praying for someone to please hit me or walk down stairs wishing I would trip and fall. . .things like that.

This definitely gives me something to think about.