General What Is Real And What Is The Ptsd?

[discarded]

I have been a member of the forum for a few weeks now and have read a lot and learned a lot from the other members and their experiences. I think I am having trouble deciding what is actual truth from my sufferer and what is just a passing phase due to PTSD. I am trying to put into prespective what my husband was like pre PTSD and what he is like now. What is just him and what is the result of his trauma?

Some things are obviously the outcome of PTSD but some things I am not so sure about. After his first bout of severe symptoms 5 years ago he could still say he loved me. This time he says he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't think he ever did. What do I believe? Part of me wants to hope that it is the PTSD talking but I am not so sure. I have left him to give him space but he really hasn't bothered keeping in touch with me or his daughter since we left.

I am over trying to analyse everything. I am struggling to make decisions based on things he said during his latest severe episode which is still ongoing. He actually has said very little, prefers just not to answer, whether I ask face to face, text message or email. I don't know what I am supposed to do when I don't really want to lose the man I love. I hate to see him this way but there is nothing he will allow me to do for him and he won't get help for himself at this point. I am struggling financially and won't be able to put off property settlement much longer, but I am terrified it will be too much for him to cope with and push him over the edge.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions?

 

[Bilby]

Do you think this latest bad patch has been worse for him, or on par with the past? I'm still learning a lot about PTSD, but I am wondering if he is just trying to isolate himself - withdraw as much as he can? It must be so hard for you when he isn't responding to you and also, isn't getting the help that he needs.

I feel for you discarded, I really do. I'm not quite sure how I would cope.

I know you and I have both been guilty of getting 'loud' and 'shouty' at our sufferers - do you think he is angry at you about this and thinks that it's something you will continue to do? I think I need to demonstrate to my husband that I genuinely regret this and that I'm doing things to try and move beyond that. I'm currently reading a book for partners of PTSD sufferers which is really a very good read, and quite enlightening. It explains the different stages that we, as supporters, can go through also - it might be useful for you to read? I personally would like my husband to read it as well so that I can try and demonstrate the validity of how I've been behaving but to also demonstrate that I am making every effort to move forward, and why.

 

[discarded]

Thanks Bilby. Yes I do believe this latest patch is the worst to date. It has resulted from being discharged from the army reserves, mentally unfit (transfered over from the regulars 5 years ago, was in the regular army for 25 years). He is having a major identity crisis, he has struggled in civilian life though is able to function in his civilian job, just, I think. Every day it takes its toll on him as he works for DVA helping other veterans access rehabilitation, benefits and so on. So by the time he gets home all he can manage is alcohol and sleep in his favourite chair in front of the tv.

Yes, I do believe he doesn't trust that I won't fire up at him and he has also said it he scared of what he will do to me sometimes. I have tried to explain to him that I am doing a lot of work on my anger and he doesn't understand that it is the situation and his lack of communication that it has resulted from. I don't get angry at any body else. He says my belief that he has a problem is all in my head and I am the one with the problem. Yet he has his diagnosis on paper, he was discharged because of it, he has received compensation for it, and he sees people through his job who have it also. Any attempt I make to regain his trust is futile. We have separated and I am leaving him alone, it is the only way I feel he can learn to believe that I am true to my word. I know a lot of it is the PTSD and his refusal to seek help and be honest with his psychiatrist when he does see him once a month.

He also said at one point that he doesn't answer truthfuly or doesn't answer at all because I won't like what I hear or accept what I hear. He does have valid point. He lied to me for 2 years about his online affair after I found out so now even if he did want to tell me about it I may not know what to believe.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

 

[Bilby]

You're welcome. I just wish there was something more useful that I could say. It's a shame that he can't see that he is experiencing an exacerbation of his PTSD symptoms and getting help for it - if he could find it within himself to do that, then perhaps things would change.

It sounds as though even if he were to address the PTSD and be honest with his psychiatrist, that there would most likely be a lot of groundwork that would need to be done in your marriage - trust is essential and it sounds as though that has become a major issue for both of you. I'm so sorry that this is the case as I can hear how much you love and care for him.

:hug:

 

[discarded]

Yes I do love him and that is what makes it so hard. I didn't want to walk away but I thought it the best thing to do for both of us. Our adult children are really seeing how bad it is for the first time. I think before because we came as a package deal it was easy to overlook his isolating himself. My son rang the other day and said his dad had called in to visit, to see him and his family and it was the most awkward hour of his life. In his words "dad is just a zombie". He didn't engage in any conversation.

I had a similar experience when I called in for our daughter to collect a few of her things. The only words spoken between them were "hi" and "bye" and yet he considered that he had seen her when I asked if he was up to visiting with her. I got my answer, he isn't.

I think I am slowly adjusting to the idea that our marriage is over. I will always care for him and should he need me I would not turn him away. He was once a loving husband and good father, a proud soldier and still a hero in my eyes. He deserves so much better.

 

[amethist]

"dad is just a zombie".

Such a simple explanation, but this is how they sometimes seem. Sometimes because of how PTSD is effecting them, and sometimes because of the medication.

Hubby once said when he was on high does meds, that he felt like "A lifeless zombie". Not knowing which end was up and the difference between night and day.

Maybe one day discarded, he will get past this stage and see you all in a different light. For now though all you can do is what you are doing now, which is look after yourself and your family.

You will probably always love and care for the man you married, possibly the man he is now too.

{{{{Hugs}}}} to you and your family.

 

[discarded]

It is incredibly hard for the kids to see him this way. Even though three of them are adults now it is tough and they all come to me for answers and I have none. I don't want them to push him to get treatment as that is what I have done and he has alienated me from his life. At least if they can accept his current behaviour then he will not feel like they are judging him as he feels I have done. I don't want him to feel like he is alone in this.