What Is The Matter With Me?

[Cr8ingMagic]

Hi, I live in PA, have PTSD from early childhood trauma. All my life my family was always saying, "What's wrong with you, why do you act that way?" and it always made me feel really bad because I didn't know the answers to their questions, in fact, I spent a lot of time asking myself the same questions. They put me in therapy, made me feel like I was nuts, spent about 10 years in therapy until I finally remembered what had happened, and now I wish I could go back in time to when they asked me what was wrong with me, so I could say that there is nothing wrong with me, it's you, and what you did to me, the way I act is just symptomatic of your sick, twisted behavior. Nobody in the family will admit that anything happened, which makes me feel even more crazy because I don't have any "proof" that I could say, see, look at this, you can't deny that this happened. All I have is my memories and flashbacks, and I just wish that I could show my memories on a projector somehow to force them to deal with it, but they don't want to. So I guess I just have to deal with it myself.

 

[Mercy]

Yes, you are right. You will have to deal with it yourself. I know it is really hard not to have any direct evidence against your abusers. In the end, you will really know what you know and you will know that you know it. Other people's reactions or denials will still be there but you may find that some of the betrayal of their denial only makes you stronger. :occasion:

 

[trial'n'error]

OMG i have such similar issues. My mom constantly made up lies ("cover Story") of how our childhood was, totally unlike the reality we had to face. My mind was so weak and mixed-up and dissociating quite nicely that I bought the whole cover story until I was 40 years old!! I've come to realize that if there is any admission on "their" side, it won't come on my account, and I definitely can't count on it happening.

On the good side, now you've realized what's gone on, and now you can deal in reality. That's when healing can start. (((^-^))) Hugs

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome!

Hi there!

First of all, welcome to the forum! I sort of understand where you are coming from with wishing you had "evidence." I guess it would allow you to hold it in front of your abusers' faces. However, from my own experience (I have plenty of evidence ranging from court documents to abandonment charges and teachers who witnessed a number of events) I can honestly say that denial goes so far that even an immense amount of evidence may lead your family to deny that anything happened. In my opinion, the most important thing is that you acknowledge what your experience was and you give yourself a big hug. Maybe you can also spoil the little child in you who didn't receive the love you needed.

Best of luck!

 

[Anonymoose]

Mmm...it can be difficult to stick by yourself when no one supports you emotionally. It's a form of mental cruelty to "gaslight" someone by denying reality that way.

 

[shiraz]

Learn to Heal

Hello to you and welcome,

Your story sounds familiar, my family used to constantly ask me, 'what is the matter? .. 'you don't look well.' 'what is wrong with you?' It always confused me as I thought I felt fine and was acting normally and it led me to believe that something was indeed very wrong with me. Decades later I realised that it was the abuse at their hands that caused all that 'wrongness' I guess I had normalised it but was dealing with PTSD from a young age and that is what they were noticing. I confronted them decades later and was faced with complete denial. They still ask me today, 'are you ok?' they have always seen me as weak an ineffectual.

I have come to realise that my liberation is what will save me, not their acceptance of their part in my destruction; I no longer need their acknowledgement of what happened to validate that it did happen! It happened, I am proof of that. That is enough!

Every time I face a new PTSD challenge and succeed, I grow a bit stronger and a bit more confident in my ability to heal. That is my focus now, it took a long time to get to this point as I thought my healing would come with their acknowledgement of the wrongs they did to me. I realise that they will never be able to do that as their denial is too deep - it is there to protect their emotional fragility. The mind is an amazing thing - it will not allow us to hurt ourselves with memory and actions we cannot handle. This applies to me as well as to them. I had to let go the dream of forgiveness and reconciliation I desired, I had to let go of my family so that I could heal.

I tell you all this as I know the place you are at is a difficult one and I know how I longed for my family to validate me with their acceptance of their role in my suffering. Perhaps it will happen for you, but perhaps, like me, it wont.

Try to come to terms with the fact that you are validated simply by the fact that YOU know what happened to you and keep telling your story here as a means to let others know too. We will all listen and believe and support you on your journey.

Big Hugs and lots of courage to you. You have lived with PTSD for so long - that means that you are really strong. Believe in yourself now and learn how to heal.

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[skyp56]

I have also heard that "What's wrong with you" phrase, but mostly from myself, as I was taught by my father that I was bad, and not worth anything. DH used to ask me that, as well, because I could not just "decide" to feel better, therefore I was "choosing" to feel depressed and anxious. So I am learning to deal with my self-talk--in case he is right, lol!
skyp

 

[Ladywelder]

My heart goes out to you and I can relate to how you feel. I was sexually abused by a babysitter and her father who was a Baptist Minister that started when I was only 3 years old. Many other things have happened througout my life and I suffer with PTSD and am also Bi-Polar. Dealing with the flashbacks and panic attacks is a daily nightmare. Medication helps somewhat but they don't make a pill I can take that will erase the torturing memories that are trapped within me that keep haunting me over and over. We're all survivors and that's what we have to concentrate on, if we have survived the painful things that have happened to us then we are very strong people to have done so.