What Is The Point?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I don't have any animals. I wish I did. But I can't promise that i could feed them if I got them, and that seems irresponsible.

I'm having trouble identifying myself as anything other than negative. The part that cries? That cuts? I just want to disown them. And, me. I want to disown myself.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I pray for you shadow! Hope you find the strength to stop harming your beautiful self. I wonder what you could do in place of that? A boxing class? I dunno lol.
I know it's so hard. Please message me if you are needing any support. I'd love to talk.

 

[sedna]

Work just cancelled a major contract for me yesterday, which leaves me scrambling to pay t...

I have totally been where you are and more than once just like you. I'm trying super hard today to address an issue of mothering people, so I cant blow any sunshine up your ass here.

I wasted 7 years of my life panicked that I would lose all my money and have no way to live or support my kids. The first 2 years of that was a long suicidal panic attack that was like being trapped in Munsches Scream painting. The next 2 years was after it all happened and was even worse than I had feared. I still dont know how I survived the shock, humiliation and extreme poverty...that includes living in a roach covered welfare motel with small kids. The last 3 were a stroke of luck that put me at just barely middle class.

The last three years were the most miserable in significant ways. I was more pissed off at losing wealth. Because I wasn't in emergency poverty mode, I wasnt choosing everyday to fight or give up, it was boring and my resentments were killing me. I've actually set my life up to intentionally keep me closer to survival edge with money and my career. Because I realized thats what it takes for me to commit to being alive.

I have absolutely no idea if that was helpful for you or not, but at least consider changing the vantage point that you're looking at your situation.
When I look back my biggest regret, it isn't the mistake that cost me my fortune, its the years I wasted reacting and despairing over it.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Just an update that I'm still alive this morning. Upset still, panicked still, but I made it through the night without hurting myself, so that's a good thing?

 

[Ka-9]

@Ragdoll Circus I AM my work. I know I'm not supposed to have that iden...[/QU

-that's a great thing.

 

[mamachick]

That is great...You did great!
I don't want to repeat what others have said, but do want to let you know that I am thinking of you and know you can do this.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking @theshadowoftheliving , the thing about being dead is as far as this world goes, it is really final. I mean, there's not one more laugh, touch, kiss, feeling, sight, sound, thought, word to give, etc. It sounds weird, but the same reason (sometimes) when one survives or survives when they technically shouldn't, they remember that fact (opportunity). At the time though most people don't remember that in advance until the moment it may be no more.

Despite all the problems, those things remain. When those things die with you too at that moment we sometimes remember (like a lie suddenly exposed or memory returned), the problems were just problems & will come & go, the other that is of value will however now be no more. But then it's usually/ often too late to change the course.

Perhaps that's what they mean by depression & ptsd are liars?

:hug: 's for you.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Junebug Thank you for the reminder. I'm trying to hang on. I really am. Sometimes the things you list there are really tempting, though .. the thought that there isn't anymore anything except silence and ceasing to be.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well @theshadowoftheliving I understand what you ,mean, but we don't know if there's silence & ceasing to be (maybe that's a lie too), only ceasing to be able to live as we knew it.