What Is This?

[Deleted member 37474]

I just realized today, when I kind of "woke up" to rational thought, that since therapy on Wednesday, all of my alone time has been involved in an extreme self blame/fear that my therapist blames me for my rape and wants me to take responsibility for it. My friend kept assuring me that No therapist would believe that a rape victim Is at fault. But my mind was distorting it and I am now convinced that key components are my fault. However, I am more rational today and realize how crazy that thinking is. And I have been functioning at a lower capacity than usual. Like a fog. What is this? It is almost like I haven't been around for three days, but I can tell you everything that I did felt and thought. Why is it so hard to get normal household things done? It is like the only thing I can do mostly well is "work."

 

[7Cs]

It does sound like avoidance/ some level of dissociation.

Have you learned any grounding techniques yet?

As far as self blame, it's very common for victims to blame themselves. What is happening with you as far as believing your T is also blaming you is likely a well known phenomenon called projection. This is where you project your thoughts or feeling onto the other person believing that they are thinking what you think because your thoughts and feeling are to hard to bear on your own. Both of these are forms of avoidance along with the ?mild? dissociation you're experiencing.

As you know, it's very important to face these emotions and cognition as soon after the trauma as you can. It's really easy for it to become a way of life otherwise and very difficult to find a new, healthy "normal".

 

[Deleted member 37474]

It does sound like avoidance/ some level of dissociation.

Have you learned any grounding techniques yet?...

Unfortunately for me, I buried/repressed the rape for 25 years. Due to some extreme stress and triggers it all resurfaced a few months ago. So for 25 years, I accepted what happened as "gray rape." And that I deserved it or somehow wanted it. I didn't realize all of the ptsd symptoms, extreme low self image, nightmares, panic attacks and coping that I used over the years were stemming from this one event because the memory that I did hold onto had a lot of missing parts (why I didn't recognize that, am not sure). I know a few grounding techniques, but it is hard to realize to do them if I don't realize that I am stuck in that irrational cloud. I tried calling my therapist last Friday. Not sure if that is even allowed other than for scheduling, but I told her I would be fine til Wednesday, so she didn't have to call back. Then I was actually hoping she wouldn't call and she hasn't.

 

[7Cs]

Unfortunately for me, I buried/repressed the rape for 25 years. Due to some extreme stress and triggers...

Even though it's been many years I still know there is hope. I have to believe it because my trauma is from long ago as well.

I also understand how difficult it is to recognize the drift into dissociation and how hard it is to remember to ground yourself once there. Sometimes I can recognize it sometimes I can't and sometimes I just don't care... dissociation can be a "safe place" for some people.

One thing that has been recommended to me (but I often forget to do myself) is to practice mindfulness even if it's for a few minutes a day. Mindfulness to my understanding is kind of like stopping and smelling the roses. Being fully here and now and in the moment. It can be acknowledging thoughts and feeling and letting them go like dandelion fluffs in the breeze. It can be a part of meditation with the use of breathing techniques in a quiet space or it can be wherever you like. Seeing your surroundings and really seeing them; taking notice of the details and smells and sounds. In these ways you can learn to recognize the dissociation when it begins to happen and have already practiced grounding techniques aa well as "letting go" of the thoughts and emotions that trap you.