Justmehere
Sponsor
I am trying to sort out what I think was a PTSD reaction, a really intense flashback...? I am used to flashbacks where I re-live a trauma in various ways. This flashback, no specific trauma was re-lived... I just generally freaked out. I can't link it to any specific trauma in the past, but I responded to a trigger with a life and death crying out kind of terror and moments of rage (wanting to break things). This whole thing is deeply embarrassing but I feel like if I shut down entirely too it, I might never talk about it (and I am sure my therapist will ask about it when I see her in two days.)
On Friday, I got an email. I can’t even describe the email, because I will re-trigger myself. It wasn’t that bad... but my reaction was huge.
I was on the bus home when I got the email. It was the end of a very long week and I knew that before I even got the email, I was really vulnerable to being triggered due to lack of sleep and etc. I saw the email. I typed a response informing the person their statements were abusive and unacceptable and they are not to contact me again. I started to shiver and feel really nauseated. I got up and got off at the very next stop. It was far from home, but I had to get off the bus. I stepped onto the sidewalk and I fell apart. I just melted down. I started to cry, openly cry… and more than just cry. I was like crying out. I made it only a block away before I threw up. Then I just started screaming and shaking. I did not scream any words. I was hyperventilating. I have been very physically ill (I am going through lower dose chemotherapy every Friday) and I sat on the ground because I was shaking so hard and throwing up and I just screamed. It was not intentional or a choice to sit down or to scream. I was out of control. Anyone seeing me would have thought I was screaming for my very life. I wasn’t screaming words, just sound. There was a hospital about two blocks away. I felt like I had to get out of being in public. I managed to text my therapist “I am having a complete nervous breakdown and I am going to the hospital.” I wasn’t going to text her but I figured if I was going to try to make it to the hospital for completely melting down and freaking out, they would probably ask if I had a counselor, and I might as well tell her.
She happened to get the text right away and texted me back. She asked if I was having a flashback. I said no – but now I think the answer is actually yes. In the moment, I didn’t know or understand what the heck was going on. She asked me what was going on, what was I feeling. I told her I was screaming and shaking and throwing up on the sidewalk. It was all continuing to happen while texting her. I told her, “I got a mean email.” I suddenly wanted to break things. I told her that too. I told her I was scared of me. (I did not actually break anything, I just wanted to.) She responded by telling me that if she had survived what I had survived, she would be furious and freaking out and want to break things too. I was shaking so hard and screaming and crying and freaking out so bad, it was very hard to even intellectually understand what I was reading when she texted me. I told her, “I can’t think” and she texted, “yeah, your frontal lobe is slowing down because you are in fight or flight mode. You are having a flashback.” She responded by telling me if I was in her office, she would sit with me until it passed, right now, I needed to ground, fast, and let’s get you home, out of being in public. I had to read each word she texted several times before I could understand it – and it wasn’t because she wasn’t clear. It was just so hard to think. As we texted back and forth, I pulled it together enough to walk home. It was a long walk, but I was shaken and my eyes were red and didn’t want to be on the bus around people. (I don’t drive right now because I have a disease that causes sudden blindness at times and is being treated, hopefully cured, by lower dose chemotherapy.) I texted the therapist, I am sorry. She said it was ok.
I went home and started to get teary and hyperventilate again. I did not sleep at all the night before. So I crawled into bed and I fell asleep.
Now, I have woken up and my eyes still sting from yesterday and I am wondering what the hell happened to me? I feel like I lost my mind yesterday.
On Friday, I got an email. I can’t even describe the email, because I will re-trigger myself. It wasn’t that bad... but my reaction was huge.
I was on the bus home when I got the email. It was the end of a very long week and I knew that before I even got the email, I was really vulnerable to being triggered due to lack of sleep and etc. I saw the email. I typed a response informing the person their statements were abusive and unacceptable and they are not to contact me again. I started to shiver and feel really nauseated. I got up and got off at the very next stop. It was far from home, but I had to get off the bus. I stepped onto the sidewalk and I fell apart. I just melted down. I started to cry, openly cry… and more than just cry. I was like crying out. I made it only a block away before I threw up. Then I just started screaming and shaking. I did not scream any words. I was hyperventilating. I have been very physically ill (I am going through lower dose chemotherapy every Friday) and I sat on the ground because I was shaking so hard and throwing up and I just screamed. It was not intentional or a choice to sit down or to scream. I was out of control. Anyone seeing me would have thought I was screaming for my very life. I wasn’t screaming words, just sound. There was a hospital about two blocks away. I felt like I had to get out of being in public. I managed to text my therapist “I am having a complete nervous breakdown and I am going to the hospital.” I wasn’t going to text her but I figured if I was going to try to make it to the hospital for completely melting down and freaking out, they would probably ask if I had a counselor, and I might as well tell her.
She happened to get the text right away and texted me back. She asked if I was having a flashback. I said no – but now I think the answer is actually yes. In the moment, I didn’t know or understand what the heck was going on. She asked me what was going on, what was I feeling. I told her I was screaming and shaking and throwing up on the sidewalk. It was all continuing to happen while texting her. I told her, “I got a mean email.” I suddenly wanted to break things. I told her that too. I told her I was scared of me. (I did not actually break anything, I just wanted to.) She responded by telling me that if she had survived what I had survived, she would be furious and freaking out and want to break things too. I was shaking so hard and screaming and crying and freaking out so bad, it was very hard to even intellectually understand what I was reading when she texted me. I told her, “I can’t think” and she texted, “yeah, your frontal lobe is slowing down because you are in fight or flight mode. You are having a flashback.” She responded by telling me if I was in her office, she would sit with me until it passed, right now, I needed to ground, fast, and let’s get you home, out of being in public. I had to read each word she texted several times before I could understand it – and it wasn’t because she wasn’t clear. It was just so hard to think. As we texted back and forth, I pulled it together enough to walk home. It was a long walk, but I was shaken and my eyes were red and didn’t want to be on the bus around people. (I don’t drive right now because I have a disease that causes sudden blindness at times and is being treated, hopefully cured, by lower dose chemotherapy.) I texted the therapist, I am sorry. She said it was ok.
I went home and started to get teary and hyperventilate again. I did not sleep at all the night before. So I crawled into bed and I fell asleep.
Now, I have woken up and my eyes still sting from yesterday and I am wondering what the hell happened to me? I feel like I lost my mind yesterday.
