The residual issues from an eating disorder. I have tried hard to get past this. It and f*cking "trauma" that I had no idea was an issue derailed me three years ago in ultimately the best way, but it has been hard. The eating disorder is like an old pair of tennis shoes that feel familiar and comfortable to put on. I hate that about it. I very much dislike that there is a part of me who still wants the tininess. I don't know how to let that go. I hate that the ED might be something I'll have to watch for the rest of my life. I hate that it happened. D*mnit I hate that it scared some of the people around me, and they are now watching out for it. What a stupid f*cking thing.
I am angry that my brother could be an a**. I am angry that my father wasn't really "there." I'm angry he complained about being excluded from a relationship with me but when I made multiple attempts to engage with him he pushed it off to the side to be gotten to on another day. And I am angry that "on another day" didn't necessarily come. I'm angry my parents didn't have a healthy marriage. I'm angry they argued and that they seemed to want to egg each other on. I'm angry that my mother did overshare with me about some of her issues which I was not equipped to handle and in which she was not prepared to move through but was rather looking to vent. I'm mad at both of my parents for the times they each put me between the other by talking angrily and in a denigrating way about the other to me. I didn't want to f*cking navigate their minefield of issues. Sort your sh*t out.
I'm angry my brother didn't seem to have the help or safe space he needed. I'm angry he was always larger and always more capable and knew it. I'm angry he treated me like a punching bag. I'm angry I could never fight back, and that when I tried it made the whole situation that much more rewarding for him. I'm angry my parents didn't know what to do "about him." I'm angry that I grew up afraid that I have evil inside of me and that I deserve to be put somewhere far away from people I can hurt.
And I'm angry that I'm angry. It seems to make me say things like, "where was my brother's sense of morality" when in actuality he was hurting and needed help. He had a sense of morality but it was clouded by his struggles. Anger is part of the process. You let it happen, move through it and move on. It's sometimes part of it Ninja.
